Ominus Bonus

[steady]

After a few month hiatus I've come back. I really needed a break from here. As a lot of you know it can be very depressing watching so many people struggle and see a steady stream of people walking through the front door of this place.

Anyway, I just wanted to get a thread posted. I'll be back later on and update what's gone on since my last thread.

[steady]

Since my last thread which was back in Sept of last year I'm still on the D train. I made my W and offer that was the best she was going to get.I offered her 50/50 with the kids, no child support (she'd have to pay me with a 50/50 split), I'd leave the 33,000 gift money in the house, and not force the $66,000 that was gifted to our kids to be removed and put into a trust fund for them.

Of course she rejected it. So we volunteered to go through a Forensic Psychological Analysis. For anyone who doesn't know what that is - Each one of us went in and saw a Psychologist. My W and I each saw him 3 times individually. Then each one of us went in to see him with our two kids. He runs us through some stuff, making a house with blocks together, etc..

Then he saw my W and I together twice. He then makes up a report with what he thinks is best for the kids.

I really liked the guy and I was straight up with him. I even had my W's notes and recordings which I turned over to him. I gave him everything, including stuff that seemed not good for me. I wanted to put it all on the table. I figured let the truth stand on it's own.

The end result was he said we are both good parents. We love our kids and they love us. He said we are both attentive to their needs, etc...

When he even mentioned 50/50 my W's jaw hit the floor. She thought she was going to walk into this as a slam dunk. Figuring she'd walk away with the kids.

So he said we needed to get away from each other and suggested rotating in and out of the house and leave the kids there - temporarily till he issues his report and we work out all the logistics.

He said at this point in a S/D it only gets uglier. He said it's at this point where the kids start to get really affected.

So we worked out a schedule of 50/50 rotating in and out of the house.

Getting away from her has been very good for me. It's given me some breathing room and time to settle in a bit. It got really bad by the end, the tension, etc... I couldn't wait to start the rotation.

For the most part we've been exchanging info about the kids by email and text messaging. I like it much better than phone and in person. To tell you the truth I don't really even want to see her in person.

She's done some stupid things - closed our joint account without telling me leaving some outstanding checks and auto withdrawals hanging out there. She tried to change the way we pay our bills - in her plan I get screwed financially. I had to basically force her to put her name on bills that were only in my name - I threatened to just cancel the stuff.

She sent me an email telling me since we paid the bills last month my way (which is the way we always paid the bills) this month she wants to pay the bills her way. I sent an email back saying no thank you. She replied, it wasn't a question. I just replied back, Once again, no thank you.

I'm not playing this cr@p with her.

So we had two cars - an Accord which I always drove, and an Odyssey which she always drove. The lease was up on my Accord so I extended it for 6 months. Both leases are in my name. She decides she doesn't want the Odyssey and she wants to get a Pilot. I imagine the minivan doesn't fit into her new image.

To make a long story shorter I got the minivan and she got a Pilot. She turns around yesterday and sends me an email telling me she wants half the insurance refund for the Accord and half the insurance money that was paid for the Odyssey. I told her no and of course that didn't go over too well. It turns out to be $100. She's nickel and diming me to death...lol.

One of the email threads back and forth landed on some unfinished business between us. I got sarcastic and belligerent in some of it. I dropped too many levels below where I want to be but it's so hard to keep taking the high road when it seems every time I turn around she's trying to screw me out of something.

As most of you know it gets very draining some times. I apologized for the sarcasm and told her it won't happen again. I then sent an email telling her the last few emails got into non productive subjects. I said all that stuff doesn't matter. I'll keep the emails to exchanging information about the kids and the house.

That's the short version update covering the past 7 months.

I've totally given up trying to save my M. I've been focusing on taking care of my kids and protecting my interests. Sometimes it still gets hard and I have my down days. They come fewer and further between.

I've detached so much but there is still some residual threads that I'm hoping will break soon. She isn't the woman I married and she doesn't even resemble someone I would even want to be friends with. Maybe that will change with time, maybe not.

I just have to remember to keep everything like a business deal. Task at hand...that's it.

[whiskey.tango]

Hey Steady...

Thanks for giving me the heads up on this new thread.

You sound good. Realistic, present in the moment, recognizing what lies ahead. Are you taking good care of you? Don't get too lost in the facts, too lost in focusing on your kids. What have you done for YOU lately?

I am glad you checked in....

WT

[steady]

It's nice to see you whiskey. I've missed seeing you around. It's funny you mentioned that. I was sitting in my my little room in my brothers house and it hit me - here I am kind of isolated in this space, god I need to get out more...lol. So the answer is I haven't done much for me lately and it's something I need to change.

I've had a bumpy last few days getting caught up in the drama. It happens sometimes and makes for a bumpy road. I've pulled up and out of it now.

I know I wrote I have given up trying to save my M and I wanted to clarify that.

I stopped focusing on it and can now see issues my W would have to work on if we were to have any chance of getting back together. So my goal isn't to save my M but I wouldn't mind seeing some kind of miracle happen where she wakes up and takes care of her stuff...lol.

I want what I want but I'm not tied to an particular outcome.(for the most part)

[steady]

So I have our two kids today and tomorrow so my W can do something for her birthday (4/4). She said she's going with her mom - may be, she may not be. The funny thing is it doesn't matter to me what she's doing. It's a really nice place to be at.

I picked up a bday present from the kids for her and I'm going to have them make a card for her.

But I do have a question - do I get a bday card for her? This is probably the longest we've gotten along in a while and she has been pretty nice and pleasant. (I wonder if it is a setup..lol)

I'm kinda on the fence about this.

[Ready2Change]

But I do have a question - do I get a bday card for her? This is probably the longest we've gotten along in a while and she has been pretty nice and pleasant. (I wonder if it is a setup..lol) I'm kinda on the fence about this.

Would that be pursuing? Does pursuing work?

[steady]

Ready,

I thought about that one for a while. Hence my question here. I'm not sure it's even a matter of pursuing anymore. I basically quit any methods of trying to 'control' anything with an outcome in mind.

Being nice at all can be construed as pursuing. I mean anything that is beyond dealing with the logistics of our house and the kids that is.

At this point I don't even think I want my W back because I know it wouldn't work. She hasn't changed, and all the issues that existed from her end still exist. I've gone through incredible changes and am nowhere near the person I was two years ago.

Your reply was very helpful because I've come to the conclusion that I will only have my kids give her a card for her birthday and I will not.

I'm not sure I really buy the whole, If I do A, then B should happen. It seems to really boil down to:

If someone wants to leave, let them leave. Don't hold on. Move forward. Improve yourself. Don't try to control anything. Say Yes to whatever happens. Keep the focus on yourself. Want what you want, but don't be attached to a particular outcome. Live life.

Thanks for your reply Ready. It did get me on a nice line of being.

[Surviving03]

If someone wants to leave, let them leave. Don't hold on. Move forward. Improve yourself. Don't try to control anything. Say Yes to whatever happens. Keep the focus on yourself. Want what you want, but don't be attached to a particular outcome. Live life.



I like that...I think I am at that same point... You mentioned that your W doesnt even resemble some anymore that you would want to be friends with...i feel the SAME way about my H... at this point, there is so much change that would be needed from his end... do i wish a miracle would happen too? yes i do... but right now... i've let go and whatever happens happens

[steady]

lol @ miracles happening. I have often wished for that, but it's from a whole different viewpoint than the one I had when I first got here.

It's no longer a wish from a desperate and needy perspective. I'm ok with who I am. Actually I'm very good with who I am today. The desire to work through this comes from a position of want rather than one of need. I don't need it, I want it. If it doesn't happen then so be it. I will be fine and I'll continue to move on.

There's a world of difference between wanting and needing.

[steady]

I had the kids tonight. I have so much fun being with them. They have the week off and my W works for the school system so she has the same schedule as our kids. I took a few days for her so she could go away with her mom for her bday.

After work I met her and the kids at the house to swap them. She got ready to go out to dinner with her friends to celebrate her bday. I took the kids to the park then we got some dinner.

We wrapped the bday present from the kids and they both made her a birthday card.

At around 8pm I texted my W and told her she could come get the kids tomorrow morning at 8am rather than 7am. She thanked me and said she was having a good time with her friends.

I'm not sure what my motive was for doing that. Looking back I'm questioning it. Maybe I shouldn't have and just let her deal with coming early because I imagine she was drinking pretty good tonight.

It felt like the thing to do when I did it. I've been really steering away from the 'if I do a, then hopefully b will happen' thinking, but I often wonder if I'm fooling myself at times.

I did what I did. I'm trying to find the balance of being who I am and drawing boundaries for the interactions I'm having with her. I need to clarify the boundaries more. I think that would take care of questions like these.