She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

I'm doing and saying all the right DB techniques to her, but I'm not always feeling them. It's difficult to not care so much until I get home. I feel it's not reality until I get there and face it. I don't expect anyone to understand that.

I do know that at this time I'm my own minds worst enemy. I know I'm in a war zone, but I've been in the military for 20 years and this is what I do. This M problem is absolutely new to me.

I have been focusing on my kids 100% until recently. It was all about them, and it still is, but I still wander over to thoughts of my W.

I will say robx you take the gloves off when you advise. I appreciate it though. I've actually been doing much better than I have been in months. It will be different for me once i return home. I'm not saying it will be easier, just different. Being with my kids will make me feel a ton better.

[steady]

However, where there mind is they wouldn't see or believe anything they read.

This is so true. If you watch they will quickly reject any information or person who has information contrary to the direction they are heading.

My W once told me the Catholic Church has provisions for divorce in instances of mental illness. (I've been diagnosed Bi-Polar and am on meds).. I was like WTF?? You're not even Catholic.

Anything that seems to bolster their position is what they will cling to.

They can read the first few chapters of the DB book and the only thing they'll really say is true is if there is any line that says - "And some marriages can't be saved because there is just too much damage between them." or any version of this theme.

[steady]

I'm actually terrified that she won't even care that I'm home.

tbart this is catastrophizing. You are thinking it's the end of the world or your life if she won't care that you're home.

Just take that as a given - that she won't care that you're home. Even better, take it as she will resent that you are home because now you'll be in her face reminding her constantly of where she is at.

So if you take this as a given, what happens to you? Do you disappear? Does your life come to a screeching halt?

How about trying this on for size:

It would hurt if she didn't care I was home. I would feel some pain and sorrow. I will feel rejected and that would suck. I can survive it and my life will be fine. I can feel the pain without having to cause myself to suffer.

[tbart01]

steady that was pretty funny. It's pretty sad how far gone their grip on what they think is reality is gone. It's scary, and that's what makes DB so difficult and takes so much time.

I have no idea what type of things she's going to come up with when we speak, or if anything I say will make a difference. More than likely what I say will not register and only some of what I do.

That's why I know I have a long painful journey ahead.

[Wired]

It would hurt if she didn't care I was home. I would feel some pain and sorrow. I will feel rejected and that would suck. I can survive it and my life will be fine. I can feel the pain without having to cause myself to suffer.

Tbart,
I know this feeling all to well. There are days I come home from work and I sit in the car just dreading walking into the house as I know that when I do it will be like walking into a tomb.
But I am slowly getting over it and getting on with my life, and now that some warmer weather is coming it, Im hoping it will be easier.
Keep taking care of yourself and try to smooth out the rollercoaster ride and the rest should start falling into place.

[tbart01]

if it really comes down to that for me wired, I just hope I'll be able to stomach it.

i sort of wen't through it for a time when i was home for two weeks in September. During those two weeks she acted like I wasn't even there. This was before i even knew what she was thinking. Those were until now the two most difficult weeks of my life.

Now I'll be going home and we won't even be in the same house together. Not seeing her ignore me every day, should be easier than her ignoring me while we're not together.

I really don't know what it's going to be like to be honest. Everything is a bunch of whats and wonders for me right now. i left for Afghanistan and i thought she cared, now I return and I know she doesn't care.

[steady]

You don't know if or how much she cares tbart. Mindreading.

I know how it feels to feel like a leper in your own house. My W's parents were living with us temporarily while this was going on and the three of them would sit in the front room watching TV and drinking wine every night.

And then there was me...lol.

It sucked.

tbart, you need to be in the mindset of leaving her alone when you get back. You guys will be living separately so use that as an opportunity to stay away from her. With you not constantly in her face to focus on, she'll have to deal her emotions and thoughts and not just her anger at you.

[tbart01]

You're absolutely correct that I don't know how she will feel. I can only speculate at this time, and that's what I'm doing.

I will leave her alone when I get home. Obviously, living apart will make it allot easier.

I'm expecting all the worse, and yes life will go no matter what happens.

[tbart01]

Hey my friends, I'm feeling pretty good about me. Today we had to do an official physical fitness test before i leave, and I went from a 36 inch waist to a 32 inch waist since I've been here. Busted out 89 push ups in a minute and I'm getting ready to blaze through my mile and half run. feeling pretty good abot me.

Called to talk to my D14 today. She somehow how brought up the way W is acting different. She said W is all about being a strong person because she thinks she used to be weak. Even my D14 said W has always been very strong, which is true.

D14 said that W is starting to use it on her. last time my D14 got grounded my W said she wasn't going to compromise because she always has compromised, and once she makes a decision now that's going to be it. We both believe W is trying way too hard.

I explained to my D14 that it's just the way she's feeling and we have to accept it. I also told her that you need some compromise for a successful relationship. No matter if it's with a friend, mother, father, brother, sister, whoever. The truth is my W and I have always compromised with one another. However, she feels that she always compromised. Wha can you do? Nothing.

Anyway on a good note, I still feel pretty good about me, and I'll be with my kids in a week. I continue to pray for strenghth and patience in this.

[Surviving03]

good job on your PT test! thats awesome! keep it up... you sound like today is decent day and thats good.