Hold on to you NUTs- non negotiable, un alterable Terms...this book put much into perspective for me...very easy and quick read, and life-changing if truly contemplated and embraced.
I told my W; that if she wanted to act like a single woman then she had to live like one too. That the kids and I would NOT be disrespected in OUR home. So you have a choice, live like a mother and a wife; or find another option.
I like the way you put that. I wanted to ask some people how long the wife stayed gone and I really wish I could somehow know the success rate of this plan.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Well..don't look to me for long term success on keeping a M together. My W came back that first night all tears and apologies. 5 months later, she moved out and hasn't come back.
But I stood my ground on principle and I couldn't control her anyway. The mistake that I might have made was not doing the right things to change me. It might not have mattered; but it certainly wouldn't have hurt. Because of my W's personality; my changes probably wouldn't have had much effect.
I found DB about 2 months before she moved out; but it didn't keep her home. DB did wonders for me personally.
I've tried DB'ing after she moved out; but she was never around. Too busy living the single life and working on finding her next man. See my W had an A 5 months prior to separation. I successfully busted that A; but she went an infidelity spree looking for her next man. When she finally found one that she could charm; she stuck with him. He came around after we separated and didn't know that she was still married.
About the time the W started to come back around; sniffing to see if the road home was open, she came up pregnant.
Here we are one year later; just about to submit our settlement paperwork.
KEEP THIS IN MIND...don't read into my sitch as evidence your plan won't work. My wife is a special breed and not typical of most WAS who leave for another person. She left and didn't have an OM; my W used sex to coerce someone into a R She was just living single and anyone would do at the moment.
So I still believe that I made the right move in giving her that ultimatum. She has to be responsible for her own choices; but I don't have to underwrite and finance them. She chose to live that life under a different roof or roofs. I got the chance to detach. What I really needed was a debriefing...
I haven't asked my wife to leave yet because we have to go together today to get our house loan modification papers signed in front of a notary. I plan on asking her after that. Yesterday I told her that a fellow church friend knew some dark things about the OM's past and she really blew up at me and called me several names and was throwing her hands in front of my face and yelling. I actually remained calm this time and I got it all recorded. Perhaps I should have just not said anything. I hate the idea of having her leave on such a sour note and such a negative last impression of me.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I hate the idea of having her leave on such a sour note and such a negative last impression of me.
If they had a positive opinion of you; they wouldn't leave.
I certainly wasn't positive when I made myself clear to my W. I was serious! Her impression of you is HER deal. You have to do this for YOU and YOUR kids. It's for your own sanity. If this continues unabated in your household; you will go crazy.
Ken, you make sure you can leave her alone and not be pleading with her to return to you once she leaves. If you don't have the stength to stick to it...don't try b/c she will really be bad after that. Don't do this thinking it is a gimmick to get her back. Do it b/c she is dishonoring the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
