Are there signs?

[ninelives]

Wild Cat:

Those two dude were giving you sage advice. I feel exactly how you do and experienced the birthday thing and thought the exact thing for my 10 year old and when she asked what was the matter i thought are you insane , you know exactly whats the matter if you had any heart at all- I have been going thorough this for 3 months and when you detach, it helps you and keeps her curious.

`Stop torturing yourself about what she is doing , that will drive you nuts and gives her power. I used to try and invision her with an OM so that if does happen i will be desensitized but that is not a good strategy. The best is to focus on yourself and children. I went on a trip with my kids for the march break and we had a blast and she called every day and had a meltdown towards the end of the week because she felt left out.

Hang in there man! Time is the doctor

[Wildaces81]

Thing is there is OM so that just pisses me off. All I can hope is that he proves to be the douche bag he is and she realizes she is down a path that is not only destructive to her but our children. But here I go hoping that she'll change. Effing stupid grrrr roar....pffft.... I've been doing fine. I will do fine. And I will continue down my path without her. I know my children will always have me to look up to. I know that I am becoming better than I was each and every day and I know that she will see what I become and regret it. Because I am fricken awesome!!!

I will get to all of my goals and I will make sure my kids are fed, healthy, and taken care of.

I will always be there for my W. I will always love her. Unfortunatly she knows this and it is BS. I can't help how I feel. I know love is a choice but I choose to love her. Not love her through me but through God because his love is perfect. And if she can't see it than I just feel sorry for her.

I'm done

Aces

[jasper67]

I hear you loud and clear- I dont know why my love for W hasn't been depleted yet...it seems as though I love her more than I love myself and that's just wrong.

I know that we LBS's tend to romanticize the R and that we also blame ourselves for a lot- so thats the key- to understand that yes we know our parts and are willing to address them w/ or w/o WAS.

It is effing tough, especially w/ OM in the pic.

He will prove himself to be a douche.

I have to share this...

I am not exaggerating this- since high school I've had 3 LT R's...each one, after we broke up- M'd the next person they were w/...there was also one short term R where that happened as well.

Two of the four are miserable w/ their H's...

I thought my luck had changed when I M'd- I thought that there would be second chances and TIME...

You are not alone, there is alot of ugliness out there, and OP are often highly selfish.

Be the better man, the better option...you are fortunate b/c you have a child w/ W...you are forever in her life- and being the best you can be for you is essential, but being the best Dad you can be is going to help you more than anything else.

Hope my story doesnt rub you he wrong way- obv that's what I fear in my sitch- I should not project, but I am 4 for 4...

[Wildaces81]

jasper, didn't rub me in the wrong way at all. My R with W is the longest relationship I've ever been in. She says she wants to be single and not have to have someone ask "where are you" when are you coming home" "how much money did you spend"

Yea I was like that but not until the end. Basically she wants to be selfish as hell and just do what she wants. She says what are you going to do when I meet someone else. I tell her that she doesn't know that I could be that someone else. That her and I will end up together. She says it irriates her that I am so confident that we will get back together. I say I'm sorry but I know I'll never give up. That it isn't just about her and I but about our kids and how they deserve the best. She says how is it good that if we stay together and one of us is happy but the other isn't. that the kids will notice. I say things change and I know that I can make you happy.....long story short we talked about the R. but i didn't bring it up she did. And I kept most of my answers short. There were somethings I could have not said, but mostly I just listened to her.

I know that I will fight for her, I know that it will take time. I know that during this whole game, I can make myself a better man and if this doesn't work out I will be better, but man I would love to be better with her next to me as my wife.

[ericmsant2]

Wild

She says she wants to be single and not have to have someone ask "where are you" when are you coming home" "how much money did you spend"

Mine has said some similiar things. Realize what she IS saying and make sure that you do not do the things that piss her off.

I tell her that she doesn't know that I could be that someone else. That her and I will end up together.

Maybe you should stop saying these things to her. Why...

She says it irriates her that I am so confident that we will get back together.

You see you are pissing her off. Give her the space she needs and just back off.

can make myself a better man

Yes you can. Do not make the same mistakes I made buddy. Do not push...do not push...

Your doing pretty good Wild.

God Bless,
Eric

[Wildaces81]

Mine has said some similiar things. Realize what she IS saying and make sure that you do not do the things that piss her off.

Yea I don't, I don't even ask about if she has been paying her bills or how much money she spends. I dont ask where she went on the weekend. I've even gone as far as not even asking what plans she has. Mainly cause I already know. Wednesday, go to the bar, Friday, go the club, Saturday, go to the club.....lol what a booring life.

I really haven't asked her anything unless she offers it up herself.

yea after yestderday I have decided that since I know that her and I will eventually end up together anyways. I don't need to let her know. It just confuses me because she says I'm a good man, I am a good husband and father than why is she planning on meeting someone else? Makes me want to smack her on the back of the head. "Everything I tell you is a lie. Every question I ask is a trick. You will find no truth in me."

I really need to sit down and figure out what is working for me and what isn't. I just don't know. It seems like she wants to come over and be with us, but then she still leaves. I have no idea what I should be doing. Going dim, doing LRT, I have been GALing I've been doing 180s. but she seems so determined to not to be married. I just want to protect my kids. I don't want them to be hurt and I know they already are.

BAH I SAY BAH!!!

[Wildaces81]

Jasper,

I know that we LBS's tend to romanticize the R and that we also blame ourselves for a lot- so thats the key- to understand that yes we know our parts and are willing to address them w/ or w/o WAS.

I have stopped blamming myself. I know what I did, but I also know that I am a good man. Im done feeling sorry for myself and I don't want her to feel sorry for me either. It doesn't help that I am a hopeless romantic. That I pretty much see us working through all things together and not divorcing. I like the steps I've made for myself so far. I just need to make sure my PMA is up everyday. It has been hard. especially when she leaves, it really affects me. And she knows it.

Any of you have any ideas for goals? Or what to do to find out what is working? I'm at a loss

[dday101798]

Or what to do to find out what is working? I'm at a loss

When you can wake up in the morning, be confident in your shoes and with the reflection staring you back in the mirror and say with pride, "I've done all that I can do to change the situation and can do no more", that's when you know it's working.

[jasper67]

I agree w/ the above.
I also agree w/ Eric- I know that your saying "i know we'll end up together" is confident, but remember, she doesn't want that right now- you're only reminding her of that.

It's OK to say that stuff while happily looking into the mirror...but WAS is a diff story...you say things like that and she'll feel the cage getting smaller.

I kinda feel the same way in my sitch- I'm embarrassed to say- I just prayed to W's late father and brother- to bring W back to the M, to let her "want" it again...

The LBS in me fights me and says, "what if W will be happier w/ OM, what if this is fate and she escaped a bad M to find true happiness?"

UGH- can you tell that I hate myself a little...or that I LOVE self fulfilling prophecies?

Anyway- that's my advice as to what doesn't work- like Eric said- listen to her...we always here dont believe anything they say, but similarly, when she says what irritates her- LISTEN to THAT.

Confidence is good- but you need to confidently display a sense of loss to WAW- not self-assured I have you forever...that will push her further away- she is flighty, negative, and selfishly seeking freedom.

Counter intuative, but the name of the game

[Wildaces81]

Thank you Jasper, dday and eric. I don't want to push but dammit it is frustrating.

I really don't know what to do when she says "I want to be single" but then mentions meeting other people in the next sentence.

Anyways, a steady PMA is my goal for today. That and my kids start swimming lessons today!!!