I will second sandi's advice. Her moving into OM's house will give their romance some reality. A good dose of that won't hurt you. When she leaves, your response to the world should be..."She moved into a love nest OM set up for them." Being the OW can't be fun. When he's not there to meet her needs and you aren't either? Hmmmmm. not so romantic anymore. When she comes second ALL THE TIME? Not so romantic anymore. YOu stay out of it!
For now, I suggest you back off your insistence she change her behavior. You have stated your boundary. Now, be polite but no more trying to convince her. She is using that to justify her affair. The 180 list is around here somewhere...read it again.
Let go of the fear of her leaving. It will be ok. She is SUE from Harley's SAA. I'm sure your outcome will be the same. Maybe not until OMW puts up boundaries of her own or Your W gets sick of poor treatment from OM. Their A will end (my crystal ball tells me so!)
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Sandi, thank you. I'm paying close attention. I don't want to screw it up again like I did the first time - although even then they at least did stop seeing other so much.
A question - a friend from church suggested that I enforce the boundary by blocking the phones rather than kicking her out under the theory that it would be easier to keep her than to get her back. I said that I'd post it on the forum to see what you guys thought about that. So what do you think?
I'm waiting to see if she makes any calls to the OM. That's my sign that I need to do something to enforce my boundary that I set yesterday.
You are wondering why I would want to share my life with a person like this, and that is very understandable. I have probably made her look pretty bad on this forum. But before the affair started, she was the model wife - a good mother, a great cook, beautiful, and she always tried to please me which I now see that I often took for granted. I also want what's best for the kids and they love us both dearly. It is also my conviction as a Christian that I should not divorce my wife - except perhaps for marital unfaithfulness. So if it gets to be a physical affair, I suppose at that point I would seriously consider it.
And thanks WhatNow for your input too - Who was Sue from Harley's SAA? I'd love to read about it.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
A question - a friend from church suggested that I enforce the boundary by blocking the phones rather than kicking her out under the theory that it would be easier to keep her than to get her back.
I don't see that as an example of enforcing a boundary. You lay down the boundary and then it is up to her to abide by that boundary.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I dunno Sandi, i encouraged Eyeore to handle his problem the same way - cut off the internet and phone.
Its a hollow boundary if you leave path open to violate it... he's pratically inviting it. These people are ADDICTED... setting down a boundary and expecting them to be rational isn't realistic I dont' think.
If your children were using the internet to view pornography I would think a parent would do more than simply tell them to stop, they would shut the access DOWN.
This is why we have a police force in addition to a legal system... the police show people that the gov't MEANS BUSINESS when they lay down the law.
Laying down a law and not policing it hardly is effective or convincing that you are serious is it?
I am not wondering! I think most of us know too well the "change" WS's go through in the "fog". I am right with you in our sitches, maybe a bit ahead of you on the timeline. We all love and are deeply attached to our WS's, at least who they were. It is difficult to understand what has happened to them. They look like our S. Sometimes, they even act and sound like our S. But their ability to make sense and reason is GONE!
Surviving an affair by Harley. Sue is his example WS. His ideas towards affair busting are very similar to DBing. His Plan A is a bit too "doormatty" for me, but being the better option and 180ing during this time is a good attitude so that when WS does leave, they leave with a positive impression of you. On that note, stay calm, polite, and truth dart her! If she does leave, cut her phones and all financial benefit of your M.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Exactly, you set the boundary, if she violates it, you cut her off.
I think particulary in Ken's case making an active showing that he will ACT to protect his home, his children, his family as a whole, from outside interference is a firm statement.
Locking up the phone and the internet is the same as locking your door at night.. its to keep the creeps OUT of your HOME
Well Sunday was a fairly quiet normal day. I was waiting to see what my wife would do - if she would still try to contact the OM. Today when I got home from work, she gave me a nice meal like she always does (no greeting though as usual lately). Then I saw a message she wrote to the OM saying she'd call him tomorrow and then I told her that I needed to talk to her.
I gave her a form letter for her to send to the OM which reads "Ken and I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Ken did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay Ken for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship." But then she just ripped it up and threw it in the garbage. She then left to take our oldest daughter to music class and will be back in about an hour or so.
So unfortunately it appears the time has come for me to ask her to leave which I believe she will do since the OM has offered her his second empty house. I just hope and pray that I'm doing the right thing. I have heard some say it's easier to keep her than to get her back. Lord help me! I am so not ready for this. Am I doing the right thing?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
So when whe leaves (if she leaves) go NC unless it involved wee one and that's a wrap...nothing more you can do than cut her off, protect yourself and your family...and be prepared for whichever way the chips fall...
In my sitch, I laid down the law, telling W to leave- "but I have nowhere to go..."
Once she met OM2- she didn't mind sleeping at 3 diff houses- in fact she loved it b/c all of her friends could see what a tyrant I was and she felt fully supported to have her way...UGH
Ken you are a man and you're doing what you need to do...now, don't back down, ask her to leave and be the best dad you can be...no apologies, NC
