"Look, I'm sorry I raised my voice last nite. I should learn to control my anger better. But I will NOT apologize for not being willing to live in a marriage where my wife carries on an inappropriate relationship with another man."
"I am sorry you feel that way, BUT I stand by what I said -- I refuse to stand here and watch my wife hurt our marriage and our children by committing infidelity - it is hurtful to this entire family."
You CAN apologize for yelling, but make it CLEAR you are NOT backing down from what your position is.
If you just say I am sorry, she will just think you are TAKING BACK the boundary.
I did this one a LOT in my home. It leaves them disarmed. On the one hand you are being sympathetic, but at the same time you are holding your dignity in tact... they often don't know how to respond to it.
Always include two points :
1. Offer her Love 2. Command her Respect
You always do 1, but you often leave out 2, and she exploits that.
I agree- and Sandi and others have said how disgusted they ar when a LBH does the flip flop b/c WAW is angry, or LBH FEARS he upset WAW.
You CAN'T do that- like PUP says, take the short-term hit...If you havent read NUTS it's stated pertty clear there...
I know it's tough, I pulled the same shirt...
I had my final vent w/ W a week ago, there was no appology or "hey are you mad..." Haven't spoken in a week...great 180 for me- truth darts, and healthy posturing...
Thanks Allen. You're right. I'll try to remember to do it that way from now on. I guess I've just been so afraid of her leaving thinking that it would be hard to get her back at that point. But like some have pointed out here, she already has one foot out of the door. I keep thinking it would be easier to keep her if I don't run her off.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Thanks Allen. You're right. I'll try to remember to do it that way from now on. I guess I've just been so afraid of her leaving thinking that it would be hard to get her back at that point. But like some have pointed out here, she already has one foot out of the door. I keep thinking it would be easier to keep her if I don't run her off.
But your fear is leaving you ASSUMING you asserting yourself WILL run her off.
Its a poker game Ken, she's playing her hand and she's raising you bigtime... you can RAISE her back or fold..
There's no place for nice when you are playing poker. You need to show her you are in the game, or you are out of it.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the King's horses And all the King's men Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again
I'm often asked why people who have affairs must permanently end all contact with their affair partner if their marriage is to recover and heal. After all, they were often friends with the lover prior to the affair and they don't want to lose the friendship along with all the other losses an affair leaves in its wake.
There are lots of quick and easy answers to that question. Ongoing contact is offensive and painful for the spouse, the affair is likely to rekindle, true healing of the marriage can't begin while the involved spouse is still emotionally connected to the affair partner. They are all valid reasons and there are good scientific reasons to back them up. So what more is there to say? I had a sudden visual image the other day that spoke to me about this issue and I'm hoping I can relay it in a way that makes it clearer.
The vast majority of affairs occur with someone we know. A close friend, co-worker, or even family member. Prior to an affair, even relationships as close as long term friendships retain a level of distance. Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends, 2003) describes it well when she speaks about the walls healthy marriages have erected around the couple to protect them from outside risks.
Intimacy requires vulnerability. As an affair couple moves along the continuum from friendship to lover layers of protection are peeled away. Topics that were off limits become primary areas of conversation. Touch that is reserved for the marriage is now exchanged with someone outside the marriage. Looks that pass between lovers are different than those that pass between friends and that layer or protection is now peeled away as well. Little by little, the walls that surround and protect the marriage are breached. The layers of distance are stripped away leaving the partners open, vulnerable, and intimately known at a level deeper than merely friendship.
When couples connect at this level they come to know each other in a way that cannot be reversed. They cannot unknow what they have come to see beneath the layers. Nor can they disconnect entirely from the intimacy that knowing creates.
When the affair ends, as most do, the layers of protection are gone. Just as all the King's Horses and all the King's Men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again – neither can we replace the layers covering the deepest most vulnerable parts of our being. We have been seen and we cannot remove the memory of that vision. An orange, once peeled, is forever revealed. The same is true of the human heart and soul.
Years later, an old flame – long forgotten and newly met – can touch us in ways someone who has not known us so deeply has no power to do. We know the inner core of our former loves, and they ours. This is, at the primal level, the reason contact with an affair partner must permanently end. That knowing – that depth of connection – cannot be undone. To remain in contact is to ever put the marriage at risk. To remain in contact sabotages our ability to recreate that level of knowingness and intimacy with our mate.
This is why our spouses are so offended and threatened with continued or renewed contact. They intuitively sense the missing protective layers of unknowing. They instinctively recognize the connection that has been created and the danger is poses to the marriage. They know in their depths that as long as contact continues healing cannot fully occur.
Friends can easily become lovers. But the reverse is not true. Lovers cannot easily become "just" friends.
Great breakdown- I know that if opportunity had been presented to me I could intimately be w/ any of my ex's...for the very reasons mentioned above- former intimacy and such...
I now understand Allen's point about life-boating and how important it is to NOT communicate w/ any ex's for that very reason...
Ke, you have that level of intimacy...right now her windows and walls (S. Glass) are configured in a way where your M is neglected, her feelings for you and her level of intimacy w/ you is obscured...THEY ARE NOT JUST FRIENDS...if it's effecting your M it is parasitic and damaging.
No more appeasing her, let her be angry, pissed, hateful, etc...all of those things are examples of "passion" or deeper feelings...
Ken your W is the one who is controlling in the M.
You have been in this spot before whenever you tried to enforce a boundary and then if she hinted at leaving, you would back down...try to talk yourself into thinking "it would work itself out" and now you're trying to convince yourself that W & OM are "just friends".
It is showtime, Ken. You have got to "show" your W you mean busines this time. So what if she leaves? Let her move into OM's extra house. Let OM be financial responsible for her. This is a sure way for the A to be over and done with once and for all. I truly believe it will take them getting sick of each other for the A to end.
OM'sW is too much of a coward to do anything. She has no backbone and she's trying to use some program to improve her M ....which won't work when her H is in an A. So, I wouldn't even mess with her. You found that out a long time back when she allowed your W to stay at their house.
The time for testing has come. Your manhood will be tested, so stick to your guns and just let her walk right out the door. Do not act upset by her leaving, Ken. That is exactly what she's hoping. She does these thing in order to control you. Allow her to show the world & the church what her true colors are...and don't you dare rescue her. Her moving out does not mean there won't be any more chances at a future with her. But I have to wonder why you would want to share your life with a person who would do you like this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
