I was thinking something like that puppy, I was wondering why Ken wants to use the legal system to protect his marriage... sounds like a lot of hassle and not the most effective route... wh en was the last time the legal system protected anyone very well?
IDK, maybe "boundaries" is not understood on a personal relationship level. I copied a lot of quotes from Coach's thread on boundaries and I think I told him where to look it up. Sometimes I would think he didn't understand certain things "I" would say, and sometimes I thought it was fear of losing his W that prevented him from doing any action at all. Just about the time I think I might as well give up....then I find myself trying again.
I don't want Ken to give up on his M, but I want him to take a stand and stop allowing this woman and this OM to wipe their feet on him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yup, i hoenestly do think hes going through the deep freeze.. i had that early on... you realize your parnter is "on the fritz" so to speak, but you are afraid to Do ANYTHING beucase you think if you even BLINK the wrong way the whole thing will shatter into a million pieces...
Instinct is to "handle with care" but we know that don't work too well when an addiction is in play...
To back up a bit... Boundaries are about you, ken. About what YOU will tolerate, what YOU do. Not about what others do. Pack her bags! She may call your bluff, so what. What do you really have to lose? Your wife? She's already out of the marriage by having an affair.
Fear is a message telling you that you may not be prepared for what's coming. It is just a message. Rather than take that message and turn it into paralyzing worry, take concrete steps to become prepared.
Avermont recently did a fear exercise. She wrote the most awful things that could possibly happen. When re-read, you can see them in perspective. (Her were quite entertaining, sorry aver! it was funny!)
So, what is the most awful result of telling her to end the affair or get out!
(Have you read Harley or Dobson?)
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
OK it's been about a week since I last posted. My wife got herself a cell phone yesterday. She has not been seeing the OM, but she still talks to him every couple of days on the phone and they still say "I love you" and "I miss you" to each other. I went to church with my kids and my wife took the opportunity to talk to the OM for about an hour and a half. They mostly just chatted about random stuff, but when they finished the conversation, they told each other "I love you" and "I miss you".
I told her that I knew she was still talking to him and that I could not share her with another man and that she would have to stop talking with him or she would have to leave. I also went to the garage to get a luggage bag for her. She says I am "controlling" and called me a few names and started to look for an apartment on the internet. I left for awhile and she called the OM and he offered her his other house which is empty right now and said that he'd like to be with her but he wants to make sure his wife is working first, etc. My wife thanked him and sounded like she may actually move out soon. We'll see.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Oh yes, I have it all recorded on a digital voice recorder. But the OM's wife is about as dumb as a box of rocks. I'm pretty sure she will confront him directly about it and the cat will be out of the bag about what I am doing (recording wife's conversations) and then I'll be seen as more "controlling". That's my main concern. The OM's wife knows their is an affair going on and is trying to fix things (although she doesn't really know how).
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I'm pretty sure she will confront him directly about it and the cat will be out of the bag about what I am doing (recording wife's conversations) and then I'll be seen as more "controlling". That's my main concern.
And therein lies your problem, Ken. So long as "being seen as being controlling" is your main concern, instead of BUSTING THEIR AFFAIR, and SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE, then you'll be forever in passive fear mode.
