I'm sitting here alone in my room, in Afghanistan, just waiting for her to email me or something. I know it won't happen, but I like it when she does. It doesn't even have to be anything significant, but just to have her acknowledge me is nice.
Just got done shedding a few tears and I feel more coming on. The next two weeks waiting to go home is going to be so hard. I just hope once I'm home with my daughters it will be easier.
Had to have a little minor surgery yesterday, so I'm unable to go to the gym and work this out. Seems like I have more difficult days when I can't work out. I pray for strength and patience.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
I'm sitting here alone in my room, in Afghanistan, just waiting for her to email me or something. I know it won't happen, but I like it when she does. It doesn't even have to be anything significant, but just to have her acknowledge me is nice.
Tbart, Happiness is a inside job. Learn to acknowledge yourself. The military is great at extrinsic motivation, learn how to do intrinsic motivation. Take care of yourself, validate your accomplishments, list your goals, plan for yourself and be grateful for what you do have.
Change your thoughts. What do you have control over? What are your goals? How will you achieve and measure them? What are you going to do for yourself today? Who will you help? What will you learn?
You can handle it.
Strength and Honor. Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was writing in my journal and decided to write it her so my DB friends can see.
Nothing has changed in my sitch other than we communicate less. I've been holding myself together fairly well for the most part, but of course i have bad days.
I still analyze what the W doing and what she is thinking or feeling. I know what I come up with may or may not be wrong. i still feel she hates me, doesn't miss me at all, and may even possibly have someone else waiting in the wings. For example, her email the other day. Was she trying to reaffirm her anger and unhappiness? Should I at least be happy that she wants to address these things?
I've also had time to analyze myself. I had thought I was the man I wanted to be, but I don't feel i am. I'm making steps to improve myself, but i find that as i improve some things, I'm also losing who i am. I'm no longer the fun loving, laughing, joking, fun to be around guy that I was. I know this all has to do with the way I'm handling things, and that's my doing.
I'm obviously not happy knowing my life as I knew it is over. I now have to re-prioritize and focus on new and different things.
I badly want things to work out between my w and i , but I have to somehow prepare for if they don't. I still love my W very much, but i don't like who she is right now. She seems to have completely detached from me, and I guess that's good for her.
It seems as though she no longer includes me in her life, and it still boggles my mind that she can s easily start treating me like this.
It also bothers me that she was capable of faking our last week together before i left. How much more of our marriage was faked by her? Did she even really fake that week, or is she once again just trying to hurt me?
I go home in two weeks and i have no idea what to expect. I'm happy, anxious, nervous, and sad. I'm feeling so many different emotions at the same time. I definitely want my W back, but not who she is now. Actually, I really don't mind the person she is now, just not the way she's acting towards me.
She's starting to act with a little more confidence and mojo, and i think it's great. That is the person I married, but she's never acted so hateful towards me.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
I know just how you feel tbart... and now more than ever i realize why they advise us here on this board to figure out how to detach ourselves. There is an article floating around here somewhere on detachment, i will have to try to find it. When i read it, it helps me. The purpose of it is a few different reasons: one being that while we are so ATTACHED it does nothing to help our situation, only makes it worse, only pushes our spouse further away.... and two, it helps us maintain our sanity, its phycially and mentally exhausting to be so attached to someone that is not reciprocating our feelings. And three, it will be one step closer for you to heal if things dont end up working out...so its a win/win. It doesnt mean that we act cold or harsh or mean... it just means that we stop depending on our spouse for our own happiness and allow them to figure this thing out on their own. It is toxic to be so attached to someone when they are not attached to us in the same way... it hurts you and it pushes them.... it is easy to do...NO...but it is necessary. Its a mental thing, it doesnt mean you have to start neglecting her and being a jerk... its hard to explain, i gotta find that article.
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
I have detached as much as I possibly can being that I'm not home. I only call the one time a week when she asks me to. I make no other contact unless in response to something she initiated.
Emotionally I haven't been able to detach. Yes I'm trying to prepare myself for what the possibilities may be. However, it's difficult to emotionally detach when all i have is thoughts and memories to go off of.
It's hard enough to go through something like this, but it's even harder when you're now even there to face it. I so much want this time away to be beneficial to her, but I'm afraid that it will be just beginning when i return home.
I don't know what my return is going to be like, nor does she. I hope for good communication and interaction when I return home, but I just don't know. I know I can do it, but I'm not so sure if she can do it. This isn't the same woman that said good bye to me almost six months ago.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Yes I know, its crazy hard... and I havent detached either... but I do mean it in a mental way, not just no calls or what not...its like getting to a point where you dont care what happens either way...not that you dont care cause of course you do...but that you can deal with it either way...and you can step outside of this and look at it from a new perspective, not as the victim, but see that while yes you do love your W and you want your M... it does not make or break YOU as a person... love your W, but love yourself more... when i get home i can find the article.
Ok, so I think you are correct, when you get home will be only the beginning... right now there is no way to know what that will be like. How it played out for me was this: building up to him coming home i was just like you are now, its the constant fear of the unknown, but also that extra glimmer of hope because you dont know... my anxiety was much worse building up to him returning that it has been since he has been here. So thats a plus... it was like i had been waiting and waiting for him to get here to see... and then he was here, and that anxiety escaped...and then i had a new set of things to deal with, life now that he is here. Once he got home, it was all about what actually was happening, not what COULD happen... so its a little bit easier in that sense... but honestly, i can see that i went wrong with not following the DB rules... i pushed a little too much too soon and expected too much... and it backfired for sure... so you HAVE to detach emotionally or you will do it too
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
Thanks for the response meg. It all makes allot of sense. i know it will be the end of the unknown, but the beginning of the next chapter. I'm sure my W is going through the same thing because she doesn't know how I'll be.
I do know that this won't break me or stop my life. However, it will cause me to change direction in life. the easier piece will be the fact that I'll be with my two beautiful daughters. Nothing will beat the feeling I'll have when I see those two again.
Things aren't going to get better overnight and I know that. I've already called and I have counseling set up for myself as soon as I get home. I don't want to wait on getting myself moving forward.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
I still analyze what the W doing and what she is thinking or feeling. I know what I come up with may or may not be wrong. i still feel she hates me, doesn't miss me at all, and may even possibly have someone else waiting in the wings. For example, her email the other day. Was she trying to reaffirm her anger and unhappiness? Should I at least be happy that she wants to address these things?
I've also had time to analyze myself. I had thought I was the man I wanted to be, but I don't feel i am. I'm making steps to improve myself, but i find that as i improve some things, I'm also losing who i am. I'm no longer the fun loving, laughing, joking, fun to be around guy that I was. I know this all has to do with the way I'm handling things, and that's my doing.
It seems as though she no longer includes me in her life, and it still boggles my mind that she can s easily start treating me like this.
It also bothers me that she was capable of faking our last week together before i left. How much more of our marriage was faked by her? Did she even really fake that week, or is she once again just trying to hurt me?
I definitely want my W back, but not who she is now. Actually, I really don't mind the person she is now, just not the way she's acting towards me.
She's starting to act with a little more confidence and mojo, and i think it's great. That is the person I married, but she's never acted so hateful towards me.
The above could have been written by my H. These are things he says to me all the time. PROJECTIONS
It is great that you journal it here, that's what you should do....but PLEASE do not say it to your W.
You're putting words in her mouth and are assuming her thoughts. Her thoughts are really none of your business. Anybody's thoughts about you are none of your business.
Like I've said before, I have NO idea why she's wanting out, what brought her to that point. But remember and keep this in your head...she is going through her crap, too.
You don't know if she 'faked' the last week with you. It's possible for her to still care for you.
I know you have to be hurting, and if she is a good person - she's not enjoying hurting you. Her opinion and feelings are still worth valuing.
