I am considering starting a thread of "Why Do LBH's Fear Their WAW's Anger?" I have never seen so many guys shudder at the thought of their W getting mad. I would like to know what has become of the men in our society.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's not universal, but I would roughly estimate that there are 8-10x as many men afraid of their wayward wives, as vice-versa.
I'll admit, I was once a classic "Mr. Nice Guy" too, but I got over it VERY quickly once I decided to attack my wife's affair and fight for my marriage.
Sadly, I think that Western culture -- and the media -- have largely emasculated the Western male. Little boys are taught that playing a simple game of "tag" on the school playground is "stalking behavior," and kissing little Amanda on the cheek in the lunchroom is "sexual harassment," and little Joshua gets expelled for it.
Men are taught to just help out around the house, don't over-assert your own emotional or physical needs, and just "go along to get along," for the most part. "Sensitive, Caring Guy" has replaced "Old-School Neanderthal Guy," and NEITHER of them is a healthy model for a successful male/female relationship.
So yeah, they've taken our 'nads away, and we let 'em!!
Thought I'd add my two cents as someone going through this right now. Puppy your assessment seems bang on to me.I had a Neanderthal father and vowed to not be him but became 'sensitive, caring guy' but you know what...it wasn't authentic and it led me to sit back and do nothing which must have seemed like abandonment to my w. Now I am struggling with solutions to my current problem waffling between both approaches. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1963383#Post1963383
M 40 W 39 D 4 M 5 years Bomb dropped 08/09 In house separation
I thought I was being a good husband by working on what I thought I heard my W say she wanted, but it turns out I was WAY off the mark.
Since then, she is quick to blast me when she feels I have slighted her, pressured her about our R, or taken steps to attack the A. I, on the other hand, have been slow to react or confront, since I have a pretty good idea how this movie ends and have been trying to hold onto my life as long as possible while I work on a rewrite of the ending.
I have put up with a lot of crap for the last few months while trying to keep my family together, and am only now starting to stand up for myself and fight for what I know is right. Even now, I know I should go further than I have, but haven't been able to make myself do it yet.
Some of it may be how my W controls me. I think she knows I won't confront her or start a fight with her when I think things are going well between us, since I don't want to move backwards.
FWIW, when the eventual fights do come, it also makes it especially hurtful when she tells me, "My feelings for you haven't changed. You annoy the living !@#$ out of me. I was just trying to be nice and tolerate you so we wouldn't fight..."
I am considering starting a thread of "Why Do LBH's Fear Their WAW's Anger?" I have never seen so many guys shudder at the thought of their W getting mad. I would like to know what has become of the men in our society.
Sandi for some here this is the journey where they lose the boy and become a man for the first time in their lives. I know it is what happened to me.
Its a battle against passive aggressive tendencies. A battle against taking the path of least resistance. But sometimes the boy needs to be completely broken before he begins to fight for himself and learns to stand up to his wife. And when he does stand up. He will realize that he is equal.
If you start such a thread I will offer my advice on this journey that I am taking.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I am in the same journey. Right now preparing to expose.
I have to say sandi. Your situation is very similar to mine.
My wife told me she wanted to feel taken care of and protected. We were both unemployed. I busted my a** to find a job and worked my ass of 60 hrs a week to give her that. Did she appreciate it? NOPE. Was it what she really wanted for real ? NOPE. She needed other things I wasn't giving to her.
She always said she understood I had to work long hours but instead she found herself an old teacher from her High School on FB and spent hours complaining about how I neglected she felt. The guy, a 50 yo married man played it flawlessly and once he knew what she was lacking of he told her EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR.
I tried to be kind, loving, thoughtful, give her space, respect her privacy, etc I worked on my marriage the best way I could. Did she appreciate it? NOPE.
You need to let go if you're really serious. You can't rewrite this script, the movie is over. The film was burnt, ok? At least that's how I see it in my marriage.
You need to write a WHOLE different movie. Even if it's about you and your wife again but it needs to be a WHOLE different one.
And you won't get there until you start respecting yourself because respect and not purely love is the basis of a healthy loving relationship.
I wish your strength. Show her the man (as one wise friend told me). Show the man to yourself. Lose the boy. Try and use every minute of this to discover the real you, he's been hiding behind a shy boy. GET HIM OUT OF THERE.
Pls feel free to read my thread. I'm going through the same thing as you are.
Last edited by Fracesc; 03/22/1010:11 PM.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
