Ken, I don't have time to read your entire situation but I will tell you this:
1. YOU DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR PHONE. PERIOD.
2. You do not give her ANYTHING or provide ANYTHING that will enable her to continue her affair.
3. LISTEN to what Sandi is telling you. She KNOWS what she is talking about and has been giving you sound advice.
<SNIP>
What the hell is wrong with you? Next time she asks lead her into the kitchen, pull out the carving knife, put it in her hand and hold it against your heart. Then tell her, "Go on stick it in!!!! Just kill me and get this over with. Is that what you want? Do it. Go ahead and do it!"
GROW A PAIR and learn how to say "NO!!!"
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
She has been taking my cell phone with her "for emergencies" but I know that she used it to talk to the OM both yesterday and the day before. If I keep it from her, she gets very mad at me and says I am not her father.
You know her and you know what she is doing. Why do you give in to what she demands? Why are you afraid of her anger?
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she went shopping with me but refused to hold my hand
So, you are still trying to pursue physical affection.....after we told you to stop.
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I also know that the OM send her a message today on her Facebook saying, "This is really hard for me but I think you will be better off if you forget about me." Not sure what prompted that, but I hope he's serious.
Of course he is not serious, Ken. Wake up! He is just playing "poor kitty".
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I was very reluctant to give it too her but I wanted to avoid problems
AVOID PROBLEMS?
Look Ken, you need to know the difference between "peace" and "avoiding problems". She is having an affair! You are helping her to have this affair. How do you see that as avoiding problems.
Let me put it to you like this. This is how I see you, if she would just not get upset (mad) at you and keep things calm at home and give you physical affection....then you would be happy. Am I right? I doubt you would even fuss about OM if she would just give you physical affection b/c that has been your real problem throughout all of this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was very reluctant to give it too her but I wanted to avoid problems
AVOID PROBLEMS?
Look Ken, you need to know the difference between "peace" and "avoiding problems". She is having an affair! You are helping her to have this affair. How do you see that as avoiding problems.
Neville Chamberlain "avoided problems." Hitler took the Rhineland -- and half of Europe -- anyway.
Puppy, I think helping Ken to be aware of the consequences of enablement is in order here?
ken, most EA's become PA's.
If your wife divorces you and runs off with him, then you can't protect her anymore.
Less than 1% of divorce couples last long term. The result is someone cheats on someone else, or someone ends up depresseed and leaves again, domestic violence is not unheard of.
If this OM is willing to behave this way to your home, you, your family, and your wife, his integrity is in serious question.
You want your wife running off with someone like THAT ? You say you love her, but right now when you enable her, you are just loving YOURSELF and letting HER get MORE involved with someone who is 99% likley to just be USING her for SEX and will DISCARD her long term.
You think what YOU are doing when you allow her to cheat is loving HER?
It's not, its loving YOURSELF and what YOU get right NOW. Your WIFE is headed for SERIOUS trouble and you are HELPING OM to HURT her right now. The end result is your WIFE getting HURT when you give her that phone.
Puppy, I think helping Ken to be aware of the consequences of enablement is in order here?
Possibly. But after taking Sandi's advice and reading up on Ken's entire first thread, and adding to that how he's (non-) responded to this one, I really think none of it is going to matter much.
He's gotta "WANNA," or else we can't help him. And you can't MAKE someone, "wanna."
Yup... I am thinking this Ken's goal here is more about how to help him rather than helping her, and right now she's in a lot more serious trouble than he is.
OK maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to do to let her have the cell phone yesterday evening. Se told me she wouldn't call the OM, but she did call him. I was able to record her side of the conversation and she was telling him that she was mad at him for the email he sent saying that she's better off without him and she's mad at him for complaining about sleeping on a cold hard floor on the night she went to stay with him in his other house and saying that he wanted to go back to his house and sleep in his comfortable bed with his wife. So she thinks he doesn't really love her. She's also mad at him for never making plans so they can be together.
I suppose I can keep the cell phone from her, but she's probably going to call him anyway from our house and she will very likely get her own cell phone in a day or two now that she's making money. Oh and in addition I will have to suffer the wrath of Khan and accusations of being "controlling" etc.
Ken, that was INTEL and a good move on your part. Bravo
If you can record her half of the convos when you give her your cell then by all means do so.. in THAT case, its worth it so you know better where things are at...
Oh and in addition I will have to suffer the wrath of Khan and accusations of being "controlling" etc.
So??
Learn to focus on DOING THE RIGHT THING, instead of on "what will make her mad? How will her being mad make ME feel?"
Do that, and the rest falls into line.
My wife had a new cellphone within THREE HOURS of me cutting hers off. So what? I DID THE RIGHT THING. I was no longer paying for her to conduct her affair right under my nose, and I GAINED HER RESPECT.
