She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[peace2u]

man oh man, tbart, I hope you realize you've hit the paydirt motherload of exceptional advice.

I hope you can read what Steady has said and it rings true with you and you follow his words.

I WILL tell you this. If my H could have detached years ago, for REAL (giving me space, but staying attached like a leech is NOT the same)... there would have been hope for us. He has not, and it has driven me away, completely. Even though you are thousands of miles away - she will be able to tell if the focus is off her...and she will be able to breathe.

This advice is vital - and it will change your life in ALL perspectives, not just with your wife.

Take care.

[steady]

peace2u so many things make sense in hindsight. It really is a shame though. The execution of the 'right' thing didn't really integrate into me until after she said she wanted a D. Even then it took a little while. So much damage is done until that point is reached.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I'm sure it's hard for the WAS also. I understand that.

My W and I are rotating in and out of the house since the end of January and we have minimal contact. Our information exchange about the kids is done mostly through texting and emails. Face to face happens rarely as do phone calls. I'll be honest and say it's given me breathing room too.

By the time we were to start rotating in and out of the house I was actually the one pushing to get it rolling. I had more than I could take by that point.

I'm pulling for tbart. In a way this place depresses me, but I have been given so much from this place that I want to see if I can pass on what was given to me in the hopes someone will grab it earlier than I did.

Peace2u are you still with your H or did you guys separate?

[peace2u]

I'm still in the house. I wouldn't call it WITH my H...but we live in the same house. But as I've said, my H has been incapable of detachment - he's still swimming in the pool of constant mental misery...no change at ALL for years. Too complicated and I might start another thread...not ready yet, tho.

This place depresses me too - and I haven't been able to be here until lately.

I'm pulling for tbart too. I think there should be a whole entire social revolution on what we've been talking about today. The world would be a better place, for sure.

[tbart01]

I have avoided contacting her for quite awhile now. i only call when i have a missed call from her. I only email when she emails back. i initiate no contact with her, and that's very out of norm for me.

When I arrive home we won't be living under the same roof, so that will make it a little easier. She has her space now that I haven't given her in the past.

[steady]

ok tbart apparently something has transpired and it's easy to read by what you wrote and the tone.

It may be out of the norm for you but that's what you need to do. Let her have her space and breathing room....THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT AT THIS STAGE.

Most of us have made the mistake of relentless pursuit - including basically following them around the house like a puppy, buying gifts, flowers, cards, being overly nice and doting over them...they want none of this and it actually has the reverse effect of pushing them further away.

I'm sure peace2u can attest to this.

Maybe peace2u can give you more specific instructions on what is being nice and pursuing.

I would do as you are doing. Let her initiate everything. Anything you initiate right now will be seen by her as pursuing and will push her away.

You have a few weeks to get yourself straight. That will be easier to do while you still have no physical contact right now.

Now please be detailed in your next post. Include what has transpired and your thoughts and feelings. Without this we can give you any feedback.

Also, please define what quite a while is..when was the last time you initiated?

tbart, I can't stress this enough:

THIS STAGE IS CRITICAL. I screwed up at this stage and it had a major negative impact on my sitch. I would love to see you not make the same mistakes I made.

Again, this first stage is critical, more critical than you can imagine.

[steady]

One correction in your last post:

Now she has the space that SHE hasn't given herself in the past.

You can't give or take her space away. That's her responsibility.

[tbart01]

Nothing new has transpired. I was letting her make all the contact for about a month now. I back pedaled on her birthday when I called and questioned her about the post card. Other than that day, and since then, I have left all the contact up to her.

Again it's been only a month, but that's a huge step for me. I just keeping thinking about the fact that she had ths divorce plan in place before I left. That's what has gotten my tone different.

For the first time since this began, I contacted attornies yesterday. I emailed 7 attornies and told them the sitch and what my rights were. Up until yesterday I didn't want to contact an attorny until I got home.

Although my preference would be to avoid a D, I still need to make sure I'm covered. I did find out that her plan of my 6 months over here counting as part of our separation doesn't count. Under the sailors and soldiers act my deployment time doesn't count towards separation.

I'm trying so hard to detach, and have gotten much better at it. However I'm still consumed by the sitch. I keep it all to myself and talk to others. i do not email or call her about anything.

For the first time in 17 1/2 years I'm ok with not talking to my W everyday. It took me some time, but not contacting her has become very easy. i still like it when she calls or emails, but I won't be the one to initiate it.

[tbart01]

Are you at the point of reconciliation? When you are both on the path of reconciliation things are different.

It was and is about letting go and moving FORWARD. Tell me, what are you holding onto? A woman who is moving away from you. You'll just get dragged and she'll see you as an anchor.

It only seems counterproductive because it is counterproductive to what you think it should be. But what you think is what got you into the situation you are in.

Did you read Michelle's book? She addresses how this process seems counterproductive.

Did begging, pleading, pulling out wedding albums, writing letters, cards or poems, buying flowers, doing more housework, etc... work?

Steady in answering your question on the other post. She asked me to call only twice a week when I first got over here, and I didn't. She asked me not to email her all the time, and I didn't. SHe asked for space before I even knew there was something wrong, and I didn't give it. So yes she did tell me early on.

i really don't want to have a relationship with the woman she is right now. I guess I'm hanging on to who she was and what we had. I'm trying not to let what she says or does get me spinning. Sometimes they do, but I keep it to myself or talk it out instead of talking to her.

I have been treating her more like a friend when we talk on the phone.

Anything else you need me to add that would help you help me let me know.

[tbart01]

Don't know how the last post got there. Must have accidentaly pasted it.

Steady in answering your question on the other post. She asked me to call only twice a week when I first got over here, and I didn't. She asked me not to email her all the time, and I didn't. SHe asked for space before I even knew there was something wrong, and I didn't give it. So yes she did tell me early on.

i really don't want to have a relationship with the woman she is right now. I guess I'm hanging on to who she was and what we had. I'm trying not to let what she says or does get me spinning. Sometimes they do, but I keep it to myself or talk it out instead of talking to her.

I have been treating her more like a friend when we talk on the phone.

Anything else you need me to add that would help you help me let me know.

[tbart01]

You're absolutely correct about walking on eggshells. There is so much advice to absorb, and I'm afraid of doing something wrong. I know I have, and probably will do it again.

It's very difficult to not think about my W and what she's thinking. I know I can't control her thoughts, but i also can't stop thinking about them. It makes it more difficult that I haven't even seen her since the bomb was dropped.

I'm trying to prepare for how things will be when I get home. That has also got my mind spinning. i really don't know who or what to expect when it comes to her. I hate that there will be nothing physical between us. this isn't what you expect after being away for 6 months.

If she's at the airport do I give her a hug, and what do I say? Once I get home she's dropping me off and it's just me and the kids. How long before we talk? What will I say? What shouldn't I say? Things like this are bouncing through my head.