woops...I made it a bit of a pursuit and shouldn't have...oh well, I hope it will have close to the right effect.
Well it was a pretty good weekend compared to the last several months of weekends. She cooked some great meals, we got intimate, she asked for a massage which I did for her, we watched a movie together. It seems like about every Monday, she puts up a wall that lasts until the next weekend.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I can't believe what just happened. I thought things were getting a little better, but today I discovered that my wife and the OM had a phone conversation again and he emailed her three times today telling her how much he misses her and that he wishes they could spend time together.
She says he is just a friend and refuses to share her email messages with me and refuses to stop communicating with him. I am very frustrated.
Should I send the OM an email asking him to stop it? I'm pretty sure he would ignore me. He would just tell my wife what I did.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I can't believe what just happened. I thought things were getting a little better, but today I discovered that my wife and the OM had a phone conversation again and he emailed her three times today telling her how much he misses her and that he wishes they could spend time together.
She says he is just a friend and refuses to share her email messages with me and refuses to stop communicating with him. I am very frustrated.
Should I send the OM an email asking him to stop it? I'm pretty sure he would ignore me. He would just tell my wife what I did.
Sure, go ahead. Right after you send an e-mail to the neighborhood burglar, asking him to "please stop breaking into my house," and to your congressman, asking her to "please stop lying."
Your wife is lying to you -- that's a given. The question is, is that a boundary with you or not? Are YOU willing to live in a marriage where your wife communicates in appropriately with another man, hides it from you and lies to you about it, or not?
Ken, this isn't about your WIFE. It's about YOU. Boundaries are all about YOU.
That's the wonderful thing about marriage when its healthy is you dont' have to worry about these sorts of things happening.
Ken... This is a very difficult point in a marriage, and you do have my sympathies...
The more you sit back, the more this affair is going to progress.
My advice has always been to deal with OM as aggressively as possible short of physical violence.. public humiliation being one of my favourites...
However in the spirit of generosity to views i do not in any way agree with.. this thread being a particularly fine example of addiction starting up and taking shape... I would warn you to be careful when taking an aggressive stance, as this can lead to undesirable consequences.
In short Ken, you need to roll some dice here and decide if you want to try being nicer to your wife, or more aggressive with OM...
My recommendation is with the latter based on my research of these topics... but its completely your call.
Because getting aggressive with other man will in the SHORT TERM make your wife FURIOUS with you... but if your aggressive tactics are successful in driving him away your wife will have time to go through painful withdrawal and eventually she will forgive you for fighting for her so earnestly...
Okay Allen.....now I am confused. Didn't you advise him to go to OM's workplace and sort of call him out about the A? I would think that was taking an aggressive stand. Now, you are warning him about being aggressive with OM. Maybe it's just me.
Ken, let me remind you that in the beginning of all this mess, you did "ask" OM to stop contacting your W and both of them as much as laughed in your face about it. What next? Asking your Pastor to come back to talk to the four of you again? Don't keep doing what didn't work the first time around.
The OM will continue to contact your W as long as you and OM's W allows it to continue. Neither of you have given the cheaters any consequenses.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
1. I am warning him as a courtesy to earlier "commentary" about aggressive approaches to combatting affairs. I still reccomend being aggressive, but as a courtesy to some earlier posts on another thread I am offering up a warnign that "not everyone agrees with me"... to my mind this is obvious, but at least I am showing some sort of effort to be diplomatic lol. I would still reccomend him confronting him in public.
2. The more you expose, the less FUN the affair is. THe idea is to spoil the fantasy and romance with a lot of reality. Similar to having a baby cry during a good film... makes it not worth watching. This is part of the objective with exposure - to do damage to the illusion. Even if the affair continues, it will now have a history of embarassing interruptions and painful moments in it... it wont' be the secret fun-filled fantasy it used to be.
Okay Allen.....now I am confused. Didn't you advise him to go to OM's workplace and sort of call him out about the A? I would think that was taking an aggressive stand. Now, you are warning him about being aggressive with OM. Maybe it's just me.
I dont see a contradiction here. Offering a warning does not dismiss the advice, it just helps to ensure he's been made aware of the potential impact.
We get a warning message from our computer's operating system before we delete a file from the system, but we do it anyways most of the time.
I don't see a contradiction here.
I am offering the warning to appease rabblerousers for the most part, I felt and still do that the potential impacts are obvious.
