I'm truly glad what I said helped. Please, please don't beat yourself up for 'checking out' from time to time from your wife. That's a terrible illness, and sometimes the only thing family members can do is to get some distance. Personally, I think you intuitively knew that you had to sometimes so you could regain some strength again for your yourself and your kids.
I think family members end up feeling responsible for their ill loved one's emotional state; at least that's how I felt. It's so draining because you have to be so hyper-vigilant, right? Trying to always be ready to jump in at a moment's notice to reassure, listen, provide care? And with kids, it must have been even tougher. You've likely often taken on the lions' share of day-to-day care to help protect them; and to work extra hard to ensure they don't feel responsible or blamed. But look at how well your kids interact - your efforts have obviously made a difference.
The whole thing physically and mentally taxes your system to the breaking point, because you're always running on adrenalin, ready to quickly take action. I know, I SO hear you that you didn't know how it (i'm assuming you meant your 'distant' times?) was affecting your wife. Again, I think some distance is your body and mind's intuitive attempt to restore yourself and regain balance - families SO underestimate the stress they're under to manage situations like this. So please, you have to forgive yourself. You're likely exhausted, drained and heartbroken, and you're doing your very best in a very difficult situation.
Hugs from me! Take care of yourself, and keep posting, PrairieGirl
Last edited by prairiegirl; 03/16/1003:51 PM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Still, I know that my W's bipolar does not define my marriage. A large part of the failure in my marriage has been my responsibility. It would be very easy for me to blame it all on her bipolar and her self-medicating with alcohol. But it wouldn't be honest.
One important part of DBing (I think) is to come to terms with your own contributions to the failure of the M, and to improve yourself. In the long run, you don't want to repeat your mistakes. We've been married for 16 years, and at some point I must have just given up trying to connect with her. It's been a pretty painful "awakening" to realize how much denial I've been in about my situation, and how much I've contributed to it.
I found your own self-examination in our own thread to be very moving; I so wish I had been able to do that BEFORE my M reached the state it is now. Of course, things may have still gone the way they have.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I'm just trying to keep it all in perspective; I do so appreciate your words of support. I wish I had said it all better; really I just think your own self awareness is something to be thankful for.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
S14! today had a panic attack and walked out of a school assembly, right out the back door, straight home. I was there teaching music lessons. He went straight to D17's room, and she came and got me. I canceled the rest of my schedule. I'm glad he came straight home, but I'm so distressed that he felt like he just couldn't handle things anymore.
He says that when he wakes up he just feels like he doesn't want to do anything, doesn't want to talk to anyone, and the stress is driving him crazy. He calmed down pretty soon.
I know some of this could be normal 14 year old stuff, but I'm sure it's the stress of the break up of our family. And I'm so angry at my W for doing this to us, and I'm so angry at myself for letting this happen to us.
I was calm, and reminded him that no matter what things were gonna be ok. I was very proud of D17. We did finally convince him to go talk to someone, because D17 said they would go together.
It's heartbreaking. I feel like there is little I can do to protect him from this suffering.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
He says that when he wakes up he just feels like he doesn't want to do anything, doesn't want to talk to anyone, and the stress is driving him crazy. He calmed down pretty soon.
I know some of this could be normal 14 year old stuff
No, this appears to be a bit beyond 14 year-old angst and acting out. He's in pain, of course.And these are symptoms of depression, Awoken.
Originally Posted By: Awoken
I was calm, and reminded him that no matter what things were gonna be ok. I was very proud of D17. We did finally convince him to go talk to someone, because D17 said they would go together.
You and D did very well. How lucky for him you were both there. Who are they going to talk to?
Originally Posted By: Awoken
It's heartbreaking. I feel like there is little I can do to protect him from this suffering.
Unfortunately there is little else you can do other being the good, empathetic Dad you are. He's probably too young - and it's too soon in the sitch - to tell him that Suffering is the result of Pain that we don't accept. Keep doing what you're doing. You're doing very well. You just can't make it not hurt them, as much as you'd like to.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
S14! is SO lucky to have you and D17 there for him. I'm really glad to hear he is willing to talk to someone. Is there someone already in place for him that knows the situation? Has D17 already been to see a C? It's such a good thing that S14! and D17 have a close enough relationship that they can lean on each other.
((Awoken)) I know how much this must hurt to see your son in this place. You are being really strong and that will make a difference to him down the road. Be glad for the Dad you can be now - you can't change the past - you can only make the future a better one for you and your kids.
Remember the discussion with PG and the way your kids have had to deal with the family up till now. They may be in a hard place now, but they've had to live with some hard times in the past as well. Just continue to be the great Dad that you are. Your strength will help them.
My heart breaks for you and all of us who are watching our children suffer
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
