D14 let me know over the weekend that xH didn't spend the weekend with OW (he rarely wants D14 to visit on weekends because apparently that's their time together, travelling to horse shows, whatever). She thought that was odd.
Last night when he picked her up from choir they went to visit another female friend of his. D14 thought this was very odd.
hmmm--could it be over with wiccawoman? is he being unfaithful to her (oh, surely not!) or is he doing his trapeze act--waiting to let go of one until the next is in reach?
wow, I can hardly wait to see what happens next...stay tuned, fans!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
hoosier...I fully expect them to break up, always did. And then your ex-h will be forced to contemplate what it was that he was chasing all that time...not that it will matter to YOU as he never deserved you to begin with. But I had said a long time ago in a post to you, that they do and will have to face their own demons at some point. There is no avoiding it. Again, it won't make him love you again or be your husband again, but by now, hopefully you see that as a blessing in disguise anyway. Can't wait for future updates!
thanks, DQ!! yes, I absolutely see it as a blessing in disguise. while I wish he had had the integrity to "earn his way out" of the marriage, well...if he had, we wouldn't have had the issues we had to begin with. I don't want him to be my husband again, I don't want him to love me again--I'm not sure he's capable of loving anyone besides himself.
He's never faced his demons. He believes he has,but he hasn't scratched the surface because they're all external. not sure what it would take to make him face them, but I think what will happen is he'll just transfer his affection from old OW to a new woman with very little self-reflection.
besides, what matters is that I've faced my demons, and come out the other side more whole and more wise, and more who I was meant to be. I wish with all my heart that I didn't have to drag D14 thru it as well, but at the very least I hope I've given her a good example of rising from the ashes and getting smarter as a result.
so--had a second interview for the research position today, and I think it went well. I feel very bad about leaving my school, I truly do--especially if it works out that I leave before the end of the school year. but I had a chat with a co-worker today--amazing man who serves as a mentor, a former NFL linebacker. I felt a lot of peace as a result of our talk. anyway, I will hear something in a week or so. if I get this position, my salary will increase significantly (don't know the specifics yet) and the benefits are wonderful too. it involves research into pediatric Type I diabetes; it's very left-brained, and I'm very NOT left-brained, but it also requires some good communication and relationship-building skills and I have those (as long as they don't require husband-communication, that is). I'll keep you posted!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I spoke too soon. D14 told me about spending the evening (until 10:30--on a school night!) running an errand for OW.
and then about another conversation she had with her father; he wants her to take some steps toward becoming friends with OW. She's not having it. at all. Seems xH wants to drive to St. Louis to visit his brother and family, taking D14 and OW, but doesn't think they will survive 3 hours in the car together.
I told her she didn't have to be friends with OW, nor with anyone she wasn't comfortable being friends with. But that she should be polite and respectful. "Why?!" she asked. "Because that's how you were raised." "Oh. I get it."
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
In Indiana can't your daughter choose who she wants to stay with? She is 14 years old. You SHOULD give your daughter the power to dis-own (sp?)her father.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
In Indiana can't your daughter choose who she wants to stay with? She is 14 years old. You SHOULD give your daughter the power to dis-own (sp?)her father.
At the age of 14, they get a large voice in where they live--but she lives with me 4 days out of 7, and she is happy with the division of time. Except when she's with her father, she wants to have time with him, not with OW and her family. And that doesn't come from me; she was a part of D's life for a full 7 months before I was even aware of it, and she hated sharing her father's time with this woman who helped break up her family. And babysitting for her grandson. And cleaning the woman's house and barn. Ugh. The thing is, D14 is a very agreeable child, and would probably have adjusted eventually if xH handled this with any tact or sensitivity instead of rushing it and refusing to consider D14's feelings. I think it's probably a lost cause at this point.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Your words were so uplifting, that they were the first thing that I grabbed onto to begin lifting me out of a slump last week. Didn't have the gumption to sign on to thank you then, so I hope this is not too belated. Your words have always encouraged me.
Hoosier...maybe you spoke too soon, but it doesn't mean it won't all fall apart eventually. IT WILL.
I am so sad for your D, but she's a smart cookie and I'm so glad she hasn't let her dad and the OW manipulate her into feeling affection for OW when she doesn't want to. Good for her!
hmama, Non-sequitur post here: When we were going back and forth over on my thread:
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
Enjoyed your thoughts on inner child/adult interactions. There's a whole section--with a slightly different perspective than I've seen before--in the Susan Anderson book, chapter on Rage. Since you're obviously well-versed on the concept, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this chapter/exercise. When you get to it.
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Thanks, mama. Sorry you were there, too. Proud of your strength and inner resolve in overcoming it, too. The Holidays sure don't help such despair, do they? The Susan Anderson book is next. Working through Susan Elliott right now. I'll let you know when I'm on Susan Anderson and get to that section.
Got my Susans mixed up; I am reading Susan Anderson's The Journey From Abandonment To Healing - slowly - right now, not Susan Elliott's. I'll chat with you about it when I get there. And occasionally before that chapter, too, I imagine.
Last edited by Gardener; 03/21/1009:33 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
