She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

The problem about the back taxes is that the mortgage company will only handle it by increasing the monthly payment. That requirement is buried in the paperwork.

It was a small blow, because I had just worked out all my stuff so that I could barely afford to stay in the house. The extra payment makes things tough. We haven't been reappraised since the renovation either, and I also expect the property taxes to increase as well. Honestly, I may be better off selling anyway, but the kids don't want to lose their home.

[flowmom]

Any chance of renting out a room to defray mortgage costs? I know that keeping my home will be very tough, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to pull it off for the children.

[Gardener]

Awoken,

At this point, I don't know what to do with a weekend with out the roller coaster. It's almost more depressing, since it leaves me alone with my thoughts. However, as you said step by step!

Make plans, anything, stay busy.

My daughter and I share a story about a King (Solomon?) having a ring engraved with the saying "This too shall pass", which he kept/wore for perspective in both good and bad times. I told it to her once when she was a preteen and having a tough time at school. She has started reminding me both in her own troubles, and in the family's troubles: "this too shall pass".

Amen, brother.
And a wise little girl you've got there, Dad.

[Awoken]

And a wise little girl you've got there, Dad.

I think so too; thanks g!

It's one of the only positives of these sitches, the way the turmoil can bring parents and children closer. At the risk of talking too much about my kids, I'll tell you more about how lucky I am.

Last night I took D17 out to get some chocolate (she said she NEEDED it!). When we got back we sat in the car in the driveway and talked for over an hour. She told the the kind of stuff I think daughters seldom tell parents. She regrets losing her virginity so young; she rushed into the relationship with this college boy because she did'nt want to be alone; she worries that she allows her boyfriend to distract her from her girl friends, and more.

I couldn't be more thankful, and I told her so.

Later that night, alone with my thoughts, I realized that the times me and my W had shared that level of communication had been very rare, maybe never. Of course, it's very different between a parent and a child. I'm so proud of my kids, and I know that my W has been a big contributor in who they are. Our marriage is failing, but we have both raised some wonderful kids. I just wish I had been able to give my W the sense of safety and comfort for her to talk to me the same way my own daughter does. Of course, it takes two!

[FindingMyVoice]

I'm so so sorry for all you've been through. I'm feel too inexperienced here to offer any advice, but I thought I'd share this, if that's ok. This comment doesn't even have anything to do with DB-ing; so I hope you'll bear with me? Please forgive if this is out of place or too personal.

Here goes. I don't know if you have any idea of the positive effect your love and communication will have on your children as they become adults. I know you say you're lucky to have them, but I don't know if you realize how lucky they are to have you.

One of the things I haven't discussed on my post, is that my mother, although not bipolar, has 'borderline tendencies'. From my research borderline personality disorder is similar to bipolar but a lot less extreme. (Please though, I don't know anything about bipolar so I sure don't want to disrespect your situation by comparing if they're nothing alike). I think it has a similar effect on the family though - they essentially spend their lives walking on eggshells, right? I grew up constantly frightened for the next blowup when I'd have to hold mom's hand through terrible crying spells, or cope with the anger and blame for her problems, listening to her unending problems, begging her to see a psych, feeling responsible for fixing her personal and marriage problems. Sorry, please, I'm not trying to hijack your thread, just wanted to explain my frame of reference.

It was tough, but I think I could have coped way better, if there would have been someone there to hear me. I couldn't ever work through my problems or emotions because there was just no-one to help me understand them. Heaven forbid I'd talk to mom about anything, and Dad was emotionally and physically absent too.

So your descriptions throughout your story of your concern and presence in your childrens' lives (particularly this last moment for the 'chocolate run', and the story of your son squeezing your fingers!) is such a wonderful gift to them. Being there for them, listening to them - to all their problems, allowing them to feel and share, or even just experience their emotions is going to allow them to grow into balanced, happy, wonderful adults.

I hope you realize and feel proud of what a good dad and role model you are - they're very, very lucky to have you.

And finally, sorry, I do hope I haven't gotten too personal? I'm still pretty scared to comment on anyone else's sitch, but I wanted you to know what a good job I thought you're doing. Way to go.

[Gardener]

So your descriptions throughout your story of your concern and presence in your childrens' lives (particularly this last moment for the 'chocolate run', and the story of your son squeezing your fingers!) is such a wonderful gift to them. Being there for them, listening to them - to all their problems, allowing them to feel and share, or even just experience their emotions is going to allow them to grow into balanced, happy, wonderful adults.
I hope you realize and feel proud of what a good dad and role model you are - they're very, very lucky to have you.

Hear! Hear! Prairiegirl's got your great dad number, too.

I'm still pretty scared to comment on anyone else's sitch,

Don't be. Say what you think. Respond to what you hear, really hear (like you did here). And if you don't know what to advise, an "Attaboy/Attagirl" is enough to really lift a fellow DBer's spirits, and ususlly when he/she needs it the most. So, with the above as an example of what you have to offer, I say, "speak up, girl!"

[Awoken]

Thanks PrairieGirl for such a great post; I read it several times, and it means a lot to me what you shared.

I hope you'll bear with me? Please forgive if this is out of place or too personal.

At this point I've posted my most personal stuff here, and your personal experience is really meaningful.

From my research borderline personality disorder is similar to bipolar but a lot less extreme.

I think borderline and bi-polars are two facets of a similar disorder, and they are often hard to diagnose. The extremeness of it varies with the individual, more so than with the disorder.

One of the things I haven't discussed on my post, is that my mother, although not bipolar, has 'borderline tendencies'. I think it has a similar effect on the family though - they essentially spend their lives walking on eggshells, right? I grew up constantly frightened for the next blowup when I'd have to hold mom's hand through terrible crying spells, or cope with the anger and blame for her problems, listening to her unending problems, begging her to see a psych, feeling responsible for fixing her personal and marriage problems.

wow. it's like you are speaking for me and my kids. somehow, this helps me a lot.

Heaven forbid I'd talk to mom about anything, and Dad was emotionally and physically absent too.

Oh, that sounds tough PG. It's often been hard on me, and I worry that I've been absent at times as well. That's certainly part of my fault in my M. I've gotten so tired. Tired of the rejection, of the emotional distance, of taking care of W. I know I've checked out many times. I didn't know, I didn't know how it was affecting my wife. It's hard because she couldn't or wouldn't communicate about any of it. I suppose that her extreme range of emotions and thoughts made it difficult for her to trust herself, or me.

I hope you realize and feel proud of what a good dad and role model you are - they're very, very lucky to have you.

Well the affirmations here are very good for me the hear, because I'm not feeling like such a great father lately. I wish I had paid more attention to my W, I wish my kids weren't going through this divorce.

I do mostly feel like a good dad. I have my bad days, but I'm here for them and both D17 and S14 know they can rely on me.

I'm so glad you posted. It took a long time for me to start posting on others threads, because I simply didn't feel qualified to say anything. But every post from someone here means so much to me. Thank you.

[Awoken]

There not a lot to update about.

My lawyer contacted me today, and we went over the divorce agreement/offer. My W's lawyer should receive it tomorrow.

If W and her lawyer agree to everything, I think my W will move out very soon. She has become a complete stranger to me, and I have no idea if she will agree with the offer, even though it's exactly what we discussed.

This weekend, W is traveling to Denver to "visit her aunt and uncle". It's certainly possible that is what she is doing, but its just as likely she is meeting some man out there. At the start of my sitch, when she was involved in an EA, I found an article she had ripped out of some women's magazine about "having great sex on a weekend getaway". I had forgotten about that until this week. Oddly, months ago I would've been in a panic about her departure this weekend and obsessing about who she was going to see. Now, quite sadly, I'm looking forward to having the house and kids to myself.

Oh, the jealousy is still there in the back of my mind. But it's surprising how faint it has become.

[flowmom]

Awoken, it's sobering to see what you've had to adapt to, not only as a husband dealing with your W's problems, but also in your sitch since the bomb.

Gardener shared a book with me that I'm starting to read. It's hard to read. But it does deal with how being abandoned affects us and how we bring that - or not - into our future:

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning/dp/0425172287

hugs to you.

[Sister]

(((Awoken)))

I'll be thinking about you today.