She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[jasper67]

I understand...what I'm afraid of is it could be further pursuit.

I know what you mean about the 180 and doing something you used to not do...and if it is indeed a Release Letter, just be sure to NEVER mention what it says again.

I've had the problem and I found that I turned into a broken record...a big no-no

I wasnt shooting you down, I was just curious

Wish you the best

[tbart01]

No i completely understand what you mean. I feared it would come across as pursuing as well, that's why I asked for opinions. I haven't said any of those things to her before, so it would be a new one for me. However, not so sure she would believe i mean it, but at this point I'm so frustrated by her I mean it.

She just called me to let me talk to my D4. i haven't been calling her, but this is twice in 4 days she's called me. I keep it short when her and I speak.

[robx]

I was recently talking to someone that's been playing neutral in this. I had told her that it bothers me that my wife and i have a marriage issue that can be repaired. The friend responded by telling me that the marriage situation wasn't repairable at this time because only one of us wants to repair it. I gave this some thought and realized she's correct.

it was at hat point that I realized I had to go NC and in a sense let my wife go. The friend is also the one that told me i shouldn't go home and want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, and that I deserved better than that. None of this makes me feel any better, it takes all hope I had away.

My daughter phoned me this morning and said how sad she was. She said she misses me and wants me home, but she knows things won't be the same when I return. I tried to calm her by telling her that we don't know how things will be when I return, but that we will be together. D14 said my W was telling someone that it's not official, but her and I may be getting a divorce. Mt D14 has asked her to not talk about these things in her presence, but she still does. My W tells my D14 that her and my D4 are her top concerns. How is this possible if this is how she acts, and the fact that she's concrete in this decision?

I've got people telling me that I need to contact my wife and ask her to please not be doing this in my D14 presence. I know she'll justt tell me mt D14 is just playing us, which is true to an extent, but my D14 is really upset. My W is thinking of no one but herself right now. I'm also afraid if I call my wife and ask her to not do this in front of my daughter it will come as demanding and controlling. How do I approach this situation,or do I just continue to comfort D14 and ignore W?

OK I'm going to give this to you straight because you're still discussing release letter nonsense - NO LETTERS.
You are way too early in all of this to be writing letters and WAWs will not read anything in this letter and snap out of their fog. They're also not going to see that you're being understanding about all of this. They're in a state where they don't care, none of your words, no matter how well intentioned will reach them in the way that you intend them. You want to release her? Detach without writing a letter, let her be. Let her go.

As for your wife and how's she talking.
I said it before that maybe there's another man in the picture, if there isn't, I think she's prepping for it. Going around announcing publicly that she's maybe getting divorced so that everyone knows she's going to be single, this a WAW reflex. But regardless of her intentions here, you need to focus on something more important. Her discussing divorce openly & publicly and in front of your kids without you being there. That's a huge boundary violation - how dare she discuss this matter with your kids without you being there, that's horrible and very disrespectful and look whats happening, she making her kids feel bad because of it. That's an announcement that should have been made by both of you together in the same room with your children so that they could hear it from both of you, be reassured that you both love them regardless of this and to answer any questions they have. If her daughters are her main concerns, she would be openly discussing in front of them & others that you two are going to get a divorce, she needs to smarten up and YOU need to tell her that. Your daughter isn't playing you and I'll tell you why, she didn't have to know about the divorce at all until you got back home, what was the use of telling her before you got back? This is another indicator that she's in her WAW fog and something's up, when they start putting their own needs ahead of their kids to the point where they disregard the impact of certain discussions in front of their children.

So scrap this letter idea, it was a bad idea to begin with. Get on the horn with the wife, tell her that regardless if she wants a divorce or not, it wasn't the correct thing to discuss in front of the kids without you being there. Stand up for yourself, you're allowed, you don't have to be an a$$hole or a prick but you do have to stand up for yourself, she's expecting you to be weak and docile and allow her to walk all over you during this time, it's a reflex they have when they go through this, they feel stronger than you, so much so that they start disrespecting you openly in front of you & others. No more divorce talk in front of the kids until you get back and then you will discuss it in person together with the kids!

[tbart01]

I have tore into her for telling my daughter before came home. She realizes it was mistake and regrets telling her. It was an emotional reaction when I told her I was coming home and I planned to stay in my house. My daughter has beenn leaning on me for support, and I'll always be there for her. My two daughters are what's most important and keeping me sane.

i agree with the release letter not being given to her. i sent an email along those lines, but with more pursuing in it and it did nothing for her. I have stopped the contact, and now she's been contacting me. Like I said I keep it short and business like.

there's an organization that offers free wilderness expeditions to Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans. I Facebooke'd my daughter the link and asked her what she thought of the trip I wanted to go on. My wife called this morning to let me talk to D4. When she talked to me she asked about the trip I wanted to go on and how much it was. I told her it was all expense paid. The point is my D14 never told her about it. The only way she could have found out was to check out my daughters Text messages because she has Facebook going to her phone.

Now my D14 and I know my wife is looking. I know she's been checking my D14's stuff even before our stitch, but now she's questioning private stuff between my daughter and I.

[jasper67]

good job scrapping the letter- like I said, I've written books of letters like a moron, till I started reading and posting here.

[tbart01]

I'm still consumed and torn up inside over this, but I've been different the last couple of days. My friends deployed here with me have noticed a little bit of my old self coming out. They've caught me smiling, laughing, and joking around. Being my old humorous fun to be around self. My W has stripped these abilities from me with the state she's put me in.

My W emailed me this morning to tell me my daughter is sick and she's taking her to the doctors today. she also told me about some mail she received that i had been expecting, and for me t let her know when I receive the package she sent over for me (some spray gel and my cell phone). Keep in mind I haven't called her in a week. She's called twice and emailed once.

I'm fortunate to be deployed somewhere in Afghanistan with some amenities. I actually went and got a massage to relieve all this tension. For the first time in awhile I did something I wanted to do for me. I feel quite a bit more relaxed than I have in some time.

[tbart01]

I just logged on to facebook to send my W a happy birthday message. i saw an old friend/boyfriend send her a message that said happy Birthday thank you for the post card. I'm freaking out, and I'm ready to ask her about it.

[tbart01]

I had no choice but to call and ask her about this. She said he had sent her a post card when he was in Hawaii, so she sent him one from New Orleans. He was never really a boyfriend of hers, just a good friend when she needed it years ago. I'm probably reading too much into this, and I truly hope I am. I really hope I haven't sent things backwards by calling her on this. I wasn't mean or anything I just asked the question and left it at that.

[steady]

tbart01,

You wrote "My W has stripped these abilities from me with the state she's put me in."

She didn't strip you of anything. You're actually stripping yourself of these things, which is understandable under the conditions you find yourself in. The desperation, hopelessness and powerlessness are all part of the process we go through. You need to understand you are giving her the power over you. Our suffering comes from playing the victim as if someone else actually has power over us.

You made a mistake calling her about the Facebook message. Ask yourself this - Why did you need to know? Would it actually change anything in the situation by knowing the answer? You think the worst, she gives you an answer that is not the worst case scenario, but I'll wager good money your mind is now in the loop wondering if she is actually telling the truth. This will now swirl in your head like the question you had before you called her. You can't escape this mental masturbation by chasing down every detail of her life.

I understand the compulsion to know - it's a control mechanism. We somehow believe if we know the "total truth" then and only then can we fix it. You can't fix anything except yourself.

The hardest thing someone needs to do (I know this from my own situation) is to detach. Detachment has a mind of its own, but until it hits you, you have to fake it. Keep her out of your head - easier said than done but it's THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO!

I can't say this enough, and it was drilled into my head on a daily basis on these boards.

DETACH
DETACH
DETACH

The last thing a WAS wants is to be questioned about their lives, their motives, their thoughts, their feelings, etc... It pushes them away because they get the same feelings that put you two in this position.

You have no control. You have to let her be and 'let her go' so to speak. Focus on you and let her do her thing. Don't read into anything.

I know this all easier said then done, but it's necessary and you're only hope of changing the 'seemingly apparent' course you are on.

Sometimes backwards is forward.

[steady]

I agree with everyone who said don't send the letter. I've been there/done that. It only pushes them further away.

robx made a good point about standing up for yourself.

Think assertive. It's firm in a neutral POV. Take the emotions out and stand up for yourself. No attack or defense.

As robx points out, the balance of power totally shifts to them. My W took that power and actually wielded it like a sword...lol. I think back at how freaking spineless I was and this is again another mistake we all make in the name of 'not rocking the boat'. But pick your battles wisely.

They all run a script. And reading your back story here and things like, "she's only thinking about herself", can't she see this marriage is repairable (no she can't. Somehow they've gotten hold of a crystal ball and can predict the future), etc..This all the same behaviors they all show. Think of her as a robot who is running a program, then remember she can't help doing what she's doing, jump off the roller coaster and watch her go up and down.

DETACH