"I am not at all worried about you reading any of my emails. I am not doing anything to put our marriage at risk. you are welcome to review any email I have sent or received on my PC. I have no secrets from you and I won't have any. I made a commitment to you when I married you. Keeping secrets from your partner is disrespectful to say the least - I would never do that to you."
Implied here is that your WIFE was the one being disrespectful by cheating.
Its classic double standard. She can disrespect you by cheating and lying, but if you read her email suddenly respect is a standard you both have to follow?
You don't demand respect, you EARN it. And she's been shortchanging you of late and in my opinion has given you reasonable cause to check up on her communication with OM.
Do NOT argue this case with her. Just give her the quote I put up there and stop talking. Do NOT agree or apologize to any argument she makes.
Just repeat your position.
You have no secrets from her. Secrets make you sick and erode a marriage into nothing. Challenge her to open your email and for her to read whatever she likes.
Tell her your commitment to her is 100% and you have no secrets, but she can check up on your mail at any time if she's at all worried about you.
THIS is YOU setting an example of an HONEST household and an HONEST marriage.
Don't attack what SHE's doing see... just SHOW an EXAMPLE of how an ADULT uses a computer and let her do the math on her own.. she will figure it out.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have two beautiful daughters ages 7 and 3. I thought things were going well, but about 8 months ago, she began an emotional affair with a married man from our church who usually does not work during the day. While I have been off working, she has been spending hours with him on the phone and also going to parks and other places with him during the day, including his house with the excuse that they wanted to get the kids together to play. We homeschool and so do they. He would also fix things around our house.
About a year and a half ago, he started a friendship with my wife (supposedly because he suffers depression and since my wife has a degree in psychology, he thought she could help him). But after awhile he seemed to be putting some moves on my wife, such as making an effort to hug her (while I was at work), taking her and the kids to Olive Garden and sitting by her (while I was at work), taking her and the kids to Jumping Jacks and going down the slide with her (while I was at work). At the time, she was not that attracted to him and we both agreed that all this should stop. We informed him, and for a time, it did stop. But like a moth around the flame, he gradually returned to his old ways and apparently my wife started to fall for him.
How do you know all of this? Your post says, about all of those incidents, "while I was at work." Did you get intel on this, or is this how your wife recounted the incidents to you?
Ken, it seems to me that your wife was looking for your help in fending off this predator, here:
Quote:
At the time, she was not that attracted to him and we both agreed that all this should stop. We informed him, and for a time, it did stop. But like a moth around the flame, he gradually returned to his old ways and apparently my wife started to fall for him.
When it re-ignited, your weak-ass response here:
Quote:
One day I came home and he was sitting right next to my wife on our backyard swing. They admitted that they were sitting a little close when I expressed my concern about it.
You "expressed concern?" Um, hello??? A man who your wife has ALREADY ADMITTED is hitting on her, is at your house, during the day when you are at work, sitting next to her on the swing, and you "expressed concern"???
I suggest that your wife has lost quite a bit of respect for you through these WEAK responses to her infidelity. Many cheating spouses are actually crying out for HELP to their spouses, and for ATTENTION, and to know that they still MATTER to them. When a man, especially, doesn't respond to this in a strong and forceful way, he conveys a lack of love and protection for his wife.
Since women tie their feelings of love very closely with their feelings of respect (it is difficult, if not impossible, for a woman to be in love with a man she doesn't respect), I think your wife is losing love for you through these weak, timid responses to her infidelity.
Allen can give you all of the step-by-step, but until you face this brutal reality, and summon up the courage to deal with it head-on, I'm afraid his advice for you is going to fall on deaf ears.
Thanks pup, I guess what i said implied to grow a pair, but it's worth saying outright.
Ken, you need to march over to OM's house while he and his wife are there and insist he leave your wife alone and start paying more attention to his own.
a. Suppose there were teenagers throwing rocks at your house and you knew where they lived? Would you DO something about that?
b. Suppose someone broke into your house, took your stereo, and left his name and number... would you DO something about that?
c. Suppose someone broke into your house, vandalized the place top to bottom, and left their name and number.. would you go to their HOME and DEMAND they leave your home alone and NEVER COME NEAR it again?
Infidelity of this sort here you are dealing with is no different than any other domestic violation that should be dealt with as a crime. Infidelity USED to BE a criminal act.
Do NOT just sit there and let this man violate your wife while she's vulnerable.
On this point. You haven't said much about the STATE of your MARRIAGE when all of this started. I suspect you two were NOT getting along all that well... this is VERY OFTEN how affairs manage to sneak into the home. You leave your wife vulnerable to an affair by neglecting her or hurting her in some way, and a predator WILL SENSE this and TAKE ACTION... YOU need to PROTECT YOUR WIFE AND YOUR FAMILY... this is your HOME
DO SOMETHING about it... march over there and tell this CREEP to STEER CLEAR
If you have ANY LEVERAGE you can put up on the table to make sure he knows you mean business you USE IT.
Thanks for all the great advice. I know everything you guys are saying is true, that I was neglecting my wife and leaving her vulnerable, etc. when it all started. I was working hard at building websites and trying to make money and at the same time neglecting my wife. I see now that I grossly under-reacted to the situation when the OM was putting on his moves. More recently, I have been more aggressive about it. I have tried yelling at him to leave my wife alone, and I have tried being nice to him and appealing to him in a more Christian way. The OMW is now very aware of the situation, but still thinks it is possible for the OM and my wife to be "just friends", and so has been rather passive about things. This info is not in my post above because it is all in my other thread under the WAW part of the forum, and I didn't have time to rewrite it all again at the moment I posted.
My wife is has stated that she intends to continue to be the OM's friend and that I can "take it or leave it". She insists that she is no longer being inappropriate in her conversations with him, but I'm not so sure. She is still being secretive about her emails and always deletes inbound and outbound messages immediately. But she says he thinks like a woman and that he connects with her and makes good conversation with her.
Meanwhile I am starved for affection. She cooks for me and still allows me to get intimate, though not near as often as before, but she doesn't want to hug or kiss me.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
1. You tell him to STAY AWAY from your WIFE.. period. You find some leverage and you USE IT. do NOT be Passive. 2. If his wife says its "safe" tell her she's mistaken. 3. Do NOT sleep with your wife. 4. Do NOT eat dinner with her. 5. You NEED to STOP ALLOWING her to do this.
SHOW that you will not accept this by NOT going along with all of it.. no dinners with her etc... she WILL get involved with him I can promise you that.
My wife and COUNTLESS other people on here were told the "its ok they can be friends' BS story.. it does NOT work.
I promise you that in three months time you will find out that she's having sex with him. She and he will be delcaring their love and both petitioning for divorce and you will be SO UPSET you will not be able to fight this thing at that point.
If your WIFE is deleting emails then she's NOT being appropriate. If its appropriate then she woudln't HAVE to delete them. and TELL HER THAT.
THOSE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE - HIDE NOTHING.. TELL HER THIS.
Your wife has told you she wants to divorce you for him, NOW she's STILL sending him emails, HIDING them and you actually BELIEVE its all on the level?
She lies to you outright and your response is "I'm not so sure?"
Don't be a FOOL.
Take a stand. Tell your wife that this man needs a qualified professional and that she has gotten emotionally involved with him.. she is NOT CAPABLE of helping him any further.
Tell her outright if she is giong to put HIM before YOU, that she is being VERY DISRESPECTFUL.
And you will then have to head into protection phase...
That OM's wife should be slapped silly... she's naieve as they come...
Ken, WAY TOO MANY people show up here with a story almost exactly like yours... and they want to trust their partner, they want to avoid rocking the boat, they want to avoid conflict...
It is a MISTAKE to sit back and watch your wife trash HER marriage AND someone elses... DO SOMETHING.
This is VERY EARLY on and you CAN put this fire out... but you are NOT going to put the fire out by being passive and avoiding conflict.. Get in this guy's face, find some damn leverage and USE IT...
Did you tell his wife that YOUR WIFE has alraedy claimed she wants to divorce YOU for her HUSBAND?
Does she just not believe you or did OM lie to her and tell her that its not true?
I am trying to understand how this woman can be so passive AND you so passive when your wife has already announced she wanted to divorce you for OM.
And ya, she likley said it had nothing to do with OM... tha'ts a classic line.. its a LIE.. we ALL HAVE HEARD THAT ONE.
Ken, I am so frustrated that you arne't getting on TOP of this while you CAN.. I was where you are and I let it happen too... and then she started sleeping with him.. at THAT point I was a complete mess and I couldn't fight the affair at ALL.
Do NOT let it get to that point.
Do NOT let your wife email this creep.. I am TELLING YOU .. get INVOLVED and get in teh MIDDLE of this before it ESCALATES and TWO HOMES are broken apart by ignorance and idleness...
I'm one of those that Allen is talking about, Ken. I allowed my W to con me with that "he's just a friend" thing. So I stuck my head in the sand to avoid conflict; hoping that everything would be OK. Well guess what...It wasn't!!
It just gave her more time and room to have a PA with whomever she chose.
Ken, there's a GREAT BOOK out called Not Just Friends by Glass.
She explains this far better than I can.
But the main point is... once your wife's infatuation is built up, they can't be friends anymore.. you can't go back from that.
MOST of the people on this forum had the naieve trust in their spouse and in the capacity for integrity between two people that you do right now...
We grew up and got real very fast once we learned anther man has been secretly mounting our wife because we chose to do nothing other than believe in the good of human nature.
Infidelity is VERY ADDICTIVE.
If you think you can take a bottle away from an alcoholic, or a needle away from a drug user, or money away from a gambler, and they will simply stop, you are a fool.
You will be here in three months time again. This OM will be having sex with your wife, and your marriage will be in much more jeapoardy than it is right now.
Take time off from work, and find some leverage to get OM to leave your wife alone. Do NOT try to control your wife.. that will just antagonize her twoards you and push her into his arms quicker than OM is already drawing her in.
If you have to take six months off of work and follow that creep around the city 24 x 7 to keep him clear of your wife you do it.
Don't be a fool. We have ALL heard this story on this forum and it does NOT end well I promise you. Find some leverage and USE IT before its too late.
