My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have two beautiful daughters ages 7 and 3. I thought things were going well, but about 8 months ago, she began an emotional affair with a married man from our church who usually does not work during the day. While I have been off working, she has been spending hours with him on the phone and also going to parks and other places with him during the day, including his house with the excuse that they wanted to get the kids together to play. We homeschool and so do they. He would also fix things around our house.
About a year and a half ago, he started a friendship with my wife (supposedly because he suffers depression and since my wife has a degree in psychology, he thought she could help him). But after awhile he seemed to be putting some moves on my wife, such as making an effort to hug her (while I was at work), taking her and the kids to Olive Garden and sitting by her (while I was at work), taking her and the kids to Jumping Jacks and going down the slide with her (while I was at work). At the time, she was not that attracted to him and we both agreed that all this should stop. We informed him, and for a time, it did stop. But like a moth around the flame, he gradually returned to his old ways and apparently my wife started to fall for him.
One day I came home and he was sitting right next to my wife on our backyard swing. They admitted that they were sitting a little close when I expressed my concern about it. One evening about two weeks ago, after my older daughter told me the man had come over by himself that day (he usually brought his boy to play), I called his house and got his wife. She seemed to be in denial that anything was going on between her husband and my wife and kept saying, "I have to trust him." After I got off the phone, my wife said that she was going to a park for awhile when it was taking her a long time, I called the man's wife again and discovered that her husband was visiting with my wife to try to work out the problem. That evening when she finally got home, she suggested we get a divorce and said she had feelings for him that she never had for me. I was devastated. I had a few arguments with her about it. I thought I had convinced her to give me a month and to not communicate with him for awhile. But apparently she was still communicating with him.
I then discovered this website. The next morning, I stayed home from work (with the excuse that my younger daughter had a cold), and of course the other man called. I answered the phone and he said he had forgotten my wife's birthday and wanted to bring her a present. I said we'd pick it up in church on the weekend and that he should lay off for awhile. I acted that day like things were fine and I played with the kids and helped my older daughter with her schoolwork. Later my wife called him back and I overheard part of the discussion. It sounded like he was trying to get her to run off with him because my wife kept saying things like, "No, I could never do that to my kids and my husband and your family." Currently I fear that she continues to communicate with him and possibly even meet with him. What do I do to fix this mess? I love my wife dearly and want her back, heart and soul.
I posted this in the WAW section of this forum and have been getting advice and help from people there. I thought things were getting better lately, but now my wife and the OM are communicating again by email and telling each other how much they still love and miss each other. I'm at my wits end for what to do. Please help!
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Probably by tonight someone will have some advice for you on this post. As hard as it is, I think mostly they tell people not to panic and do anything rash for the next few days or start a yelling match or anything. Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut for a few days and someone will give you advice on what to do not to make it worse. Sorry this is going on right now. No one should have to go through this.
Glad you posted over here...there's alot of traffic here and in Newcomers- this is where I should have been posting from the start...
Aside from wanting a D, what else has your W said? My guess is not too much...if that's the case- you CANNOT ask her and whatever she says will be NEGATIVE, HURTFUL, and mostly UNTRUE- epecially if its minimizing her R w/ OM.
EVERYTHING from here on will be about YOU and YOUR actions. NEVER REACT- if you feel like reacting it will be the WRONG THING TO DO.
Even when you think there's that ONE thing you can say to help matters- IT WILL NOT HELP...from here on out it's about your ACTIONS- its VERY SIMPLE- but hard as hell to do.
You need to be patient, do NOT stress her out w/ texts, phone calls, questions, DO NOT PURSUE her...BE THE BEST DAD YOU CAN BE- and keep focused on small goals.
If she sucks you in to R talk, ONLY LISTEN and VALIDATE- do not use logic or try to convince her of anything- ANYTHING.
OMW is aware of the sitch? You have spoken to her before? Keep everything to yourself, build a case- and like I said- EXPECT to be lied to.
Try to consult w/ Allen and Puppy about exposure...
Are there any plans for a FT or MC? If not start researching good ones...make your first appt for yourself.
Do not tell W to be hopeful, do not ask her to come to MC, unless she has previously mentioned it or brings it up.
SET AN EXAMPLE and TAKE ACTION to be the best person you can be for yourself.
Work your 180s and understand this is going to be VERY UNFAIR- you are going to be doing 99 percent of the work and you can't complain about it.
I'm off to a movie, I'll add more later tonight.
Be positive and try to detach so that your temper and patience dont wear.
Here for you...
If you want to see what not to do...read my sitch
Heck read as many sitches as you can to see what to expect...all is not lost, hang in there
I appreciate your help and advice so much. I probably should not have done this, but today I got into her email and read an email from the OM. It seems like my wife was actually starting to get turned off a bit by his critical comments, but she is still trying to be his friend and he wants to meet up with her again in person to discuss their friendship which I think they haven't done for a couple of weeks now. She noticed that I opened up the email and attacked me about it when I got home. She says she doesn't love or respect me. I realize it was probably a big mistake to read the email - I guess I just wanted to know what they are discussing.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Not sure what kind of account she has, but if you're going to do that you have to mark it as unread when you're done.
You will likely get all kinds of script for your intel, assuming you get caught: "you don't respect my privacy, I don't respect you, I don't love you, I can't live like this, you're crazy, etc etc.'
If you are going to monitor intel, DO NOT EVER GIVE UP YOUR SOURCES...DONT TELL ANY FRIENDS, ETC...
This sitch may be drawn out for months, YOU WILL HAVE A LOT ON YOUR MIND.
Post here, delete your history, ALWAYS wait for advice before you do anything.
If you look at my sitch and the dates, I truly started posting almost 2 months after the BOMB- I MADE EVERY MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE- when I needed advice and guidance the most I wasn't posting here, that would have saved me alot of grief.
If she's going to meet OM, dont question her when she comes back, not where were you, what did you do, etc.
When she leaves, don't even ask where she's going.
Right now, you are the enemy to her...you need to be as emotionless, but as pleasant as you can be- ALWAYS-
Don't engage her in conversation unless its the basics...dont ever ask, "what do you want to do about us, how do you feel about us, etc."
W and I had coffee every morning- we would have casul conversation most of the time...when she was done talking she would get up and go inside- my dumbarse would follow her back in the house...DO NOT DO THAT...
You need to come off as independant, strong, confident, and easy going person that you can be...you will prob have to force youself to at first, but if you know everything you're up against it will get easier.
She is in a lot of pain, she is confused, she doesn't know what she wants...you will remind her of EVERYTHGING she doesnt want if you pursue her or pressure her...
Tomorrow you'll prob get a lot of added info...if you havent read DR or DB, go buy them...they are just for you.
Buy books on communication and what ever else has contributed to your M being where it is now.
DO NOT READ PASSAGES to your W, do not leave them out on a specific page yet, do not teach her what you've learned...
Everything is action based...
I have some advice about OM, but see what Allen and Puppy have to say.
For now, dont get busted and dont freak out on her about him...
I am going to pitch the same advice I offer others
1. Expose this affair
To who? To anyone who may apply pressure to your wife to END her Infatuation with this man.
And YES, call it infidelity, do NOT call it a "relationship". They are TWO VERY different things.
Infidelity is to romantic realtionships what Stalking is to dating. It's selfish, deluded, and creepy.
Now, you mentioned church, you mentioned this OM has a wife, you think of anyone else in your famliy who may pressure this affair to END.
how do you expose? You reveal these key points
1. You want your marriage (I assume) 2. Your wife is infatuated with a married man she's been seeing in secret. 3. Now your wife is convinced if she runs away with him her life, your life, and your children's lives will be better off. 4. You do NOT agree - EVERYONE gets hurt by divorce. 5. Please do what you can to persuade my wife to reconsider.
These are the key points you want your support group to impress upon her.
You tell EVERYONE who might be willing or able to help.
Warning : You will find many people you thought were your "freinds" turn their head away and don't want to get involved.. it is at times like these where you find out who your true friends are... cherish these people when they rally to your side, and remember to show your thanks when this is over.
2. Intervenstion and confrontation
Once you expose the affair you contront your wife.
You tell her that your marriage and your family are the most important thing to you and that you will do everything you can to save that.
Your wife will very lilkey scoff or make some excuse.
IGNORE it. Maintain your position and your dignity.
a. Do NOT BEG b. Do NOT ARGUE c. Do NOT NEGOTIATE
You leave your friends to do your negotiating for you.. the friends and famliy whom you exposed this affair to.
You distance yourself from her. Do what you can to stay clear.
Right now your instincts are to cling to her like glue. Your instincts are to follow her around and persuade her to stay and not divorce. Your instincts are to make her understand this is a mistake she will regret later.
Your instincts are WRONG
SHE is following her instincts... Your wife is letting her feelings drive her actions and turning her back on logic and good judgement... Do NOT follow in her footsteps... KEEP your HEAD about you.
You do this by keeping your distance from her. Do NOT talk to her, do NOT help her, do NOT Do anything to directly try ti influence her changing her mind. You will have work to do, but chasing her is NOT that work.
It is early on, so I am not reccomending protection phase yet... I am counting on it not getting to that point.
1. You need to start finding a GOOD Family therapist, this can take weeks. You want a FT that treats infidelity as an addiction, one who is PRO MARRIAGE and will NEVER reccomend divorce unless the COUPLE both want to pursue that. you want to look for a good FT that you will start seeing on your own. Your wife will want to follow the example you set, so start setting a good one by going to a FT.
2. Get in contact with OMW. TELL HER EVERYTHING. EXPOSE this to OMW. Show her ANY EVIDENCE you have. She will NOT believe you without it. Do NOT ENABLE this infidelity by keeping it a SECRET.
Affairs survive on three things :
1. Secrecy 2. Sex 3. Emotion
These three ingredients create a ROMANTIC FANTASY that is VERY addictive and causes even a healthy mind to be deluded into thinking they are in some silly hollywood movie and they will run off together and be happy for ever after. This is as believable as a lottery commercial. You need to BREAK this fantasy with REALITY.
You bring your friends, your family, her friends, her famliy, and ESPECIALLY OM's WIFE bearing down on those two.
YOU do NOT talk to your wife direclty about this at ALL. She WILL confront you. Do NOT argue.
Your mantra is this
"Everything I am doing I am doing to save our marriage and our family"
And you walk away.
The more whispers behind her back, the more people shaking their head at her, the more SHAME she experiences, the less EXCITING her affair will be... and she will GRADUALLY come to her senses, it will take WEEKS of work.
Affairs do NOT end overnight.
Confront OM. Go to his house, talk to him AND his wife and TELL HIM to STAY AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE.
Presumably you have kids and he does as well. If this is the case, you impress upon him and his wife that
"We are adults and we have obligations that far transcend how we FEEL right now..."
He is also experiencing depression. Anyone emotionally vulnerable is more prone to an addiction. He may not even be taking any medication he may have been prescribed.
You CAN put an end to this affair, but do NOT do it through yoru WIFE, this will do TOO MUCH DAMAGE.
Go after OM and OMW and tell them to leave YOU TWO alone to work on your marriage while THEY work on THEIRs.
You make regular phone calls to them to check in.
you make sure they are working on their marriage. Do NOT keep these calls a secret, if your wife asks, you TELL her you are trying to protect TWO HOUSEHOLDS here. You do what you can to keep that family together and yours together.
Keep pressing on OM to LEAVE your HOME ALONE.
If he goes to church, tell people in church who will pressure him or those who he will at least be embarassed by knowing.
You make sure this infidelity LOOKS and FEELS like a CREEPY SORDID AFFAIR .. THAT will bust up the roantic fantasy your wife has in her head.
You make it into something embarassing and shameful.
Your wife will forgive you. SHe will be FURIOUS, but that's jus the addiction talking.
Do NOT apologize for reading the email. Do NOT ARGUE your case for reading it.
"Everything I do, I do to save our marriage and family"
And you walk away.
Now. You need to go to OM's house, you go there as OFTEN as you CAN... you make a PEST of yourself. Do NOT aggravate OM's wife, she is a HUGE ALLY here.
You show up to their house, you be KIND and SYMPATHETIC TO his wife, she's dealing with eveyrthing you are and likely more.
You sit down with the two of them and you tell them that you have a marriage you want to save and that OM's involvement is doing DAMAGE to that marriage AND to his own household as well.
You tell the two of them that it is best if he does NOT make ANY attempt to contact your wife AT ALL. Tell him that time is best invested into saving his own marriage, NOT in destroying yours.
If you have kids, you take those pictures out and you SHOW them the pictures.
You tell them you love your wife and you are NOT going to stand by and watch him attack your home and ruin your family.
You tell them you will be making regular calls and visits to check in on them and any help you can be to help those two work on their marriage as a COUPLE you will be happy to do.
Tell them you wish them the best in thier marriage and that you do NOT want OM ANYWHER NEAR your wife again.
You make it VERY clear you will protect your wife and your family and he is a THREAT to that and to LEAVE your FAMILY ALONE.
NO GIFTS NO PHONE CALLS NO EMAIL NO CONTAACT at ALL
His wife should be on side with this as well.
Tell his wife and OM that its best if he shares his cell phone records with his wife for the time being to ensure that both families are kept safe and no further damage is done.
You get in the OM's FACE as MUCH as you CAN...
I don't know how he will react, so you will have to play this a bit by ear. He may laugh at you, he may be scared crapless...
But you EXPOSE this WHOLE MESS right in his HOME with his WIFE RIGHT THERE.
Tell his wife ot go to OM's PC and read his email.
If they have separate PC's he is likley not deleting the mail... if he refuses to let her, he's signed his death warrant.
if he lets her, she will find something.
But the BEST way to handle this is to find some evidence on YOUR END on YOUR pc and print that up and take it to their home.
Do NOT tell your wife you are doing this.
She will find out eventually, but you do NOT want to WARN her becuase SHE will tell HIM to ERASE his PC of all evidence.
You MUST HAVE his WIFE support you here. If she does NOT believe you that her HUSBAND is cheating on her then you have to convince her... it is a LOT harder to fight an affair if you don't have the support of the OAS (other abandoned spouse)
Do what you can to get proof before you show up at their home.
Maynard, thank you for posting. You have a lot of good advice there.
I don't know if I would reccomend acting casual. I find when there is an affair going on acting casual sends an implied message of being OK with the affair.
We don't want to send a mixed message.
You PROTEST the affair.
You tell EVERYONE you CAN that its HURTING your family and your HOME is under attack.
You do NOT protest to the wife.
you tell her you want to save your marriage and your family and that divorce just makes eveyrone feel worse.
When you are in your home you just look BUSY.
Not happy, not sad, just busy.
You leave your wife alone. If she asks you something, you answer with as few words as possible and end the convo as soon as you can.
We need regular updates ken, on the status of both the affair and your wife's behaviour.
Don't apologize for ANYTHING to do with the affair or saving your marriage.
If you step on her TOE or something, sure, apologize, but do NOT apologize for exposing the affair or protecting your home from marital predators like that creep friend of hers.
If he's going to trash her marriage AND his he's NOT a friend... he's a creep and a predator.
YOU need to PROTECT your wife from creeps like that.
NEVER let some guy spend time in PRIVATE with your wife dude... NEVER.. bad idea!!!
Did it ever occur to you that it wasn't just the OM moving in on your wife but that YOU were enabling YOUR WIFE to move in on someone ELSE's husband?
Did it ever occur to you that OM's wife might not think those two hanging out in private was a good idea?
Psychologists have a LICENSE for a REASON. They are REGISTERED for a REASON... because they counsel people who are VULNERABLE and there is a HIGH RISK of ethics being violated.
This is the case with lawyers, doctors, and other professoinals... there are NO safeguards to protect either marriage in the arrangement your wife and OM were doing.
I am NOT telling you to boss our wife around into not talking to him. I am telling you to GET INTO the meeting so its NOT private.
Anyhow... I hope you understand that married men and women who are vulnerable should NOT be talking to other married men and women in PRIVATE... its a recipie for disaster.
