My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[DanceQueen]

Oh Hoosier, thank you so much for what you are saying! You know, a lot of times, the types of suggestions I made for you just sound like a load of fluffy hype that won't do any good to a woman who really needs them. It sometimes sounds like just stupid things that may puff up your ego for a while, but won't make any long term difference....but these suggestions WILL make a difference! I'm so glad you felt the way you did about them. Its so important to really see yourself differently, and the only way to begin to do that is with some really tough self-love, like the mirror exercise. The kind of exercises where you just will NOT allow yourself to beat yourself up anymore (also like you and the other posters were saying in earlier posts). To a woman who is really down in the dumps, as you were a year or so ago, suggestions like the ones I made just sound like too much energy for little to no payback, and its hard to muster up the type of courage it takes to execute them. At those times, its easier to just sort of give up and let yourself feel low and crappy for a time.

But you've come a long way since then...enough time has passed that now you seem ready to stop feeling the pain and start with the gain. The pain is normal and necessary at first. But eventually, when you begin to truly move on, you also want to move onward and UPWARD. To get out of the funk of your old life, you've gotta just fake it til you make it with these bitchy suggestions. But they do work, I've seen it many times.

I love hearing about your extra blonde! Myself, I am so brunette that I can never really go blonde, so I'll always be envious of you gals who can do it. However, I am turning quite gray lately and have decided to just let them come on in...the sooner I turn all gray, the sooner I can turn those grays into blondes and be a hottie like you! ;0)

Hoosier...you are going to come out of all of this as a new woman. I'm so sorry it took a horrid divorce to get you here...but at the same time, your ex-H didn't deserve you and NEVER WILL. Those are hollow words in the beginning of the disatrous journey of divorce, but hopefully by now you are really starting to feel the truth in there.

DQ

[hoosiermama]

DQ, what you're talking about is baby steps and faking it till you make it. And those things work; in fact they're the only things that work when you're really down.

I have come a long way. Because I was really down, probably even before the bomb. I had sort of experienced two major betrayals and abandonments simultaneously--literally the same week--my marriage and my ministry position. And in their endings, both my xH and my bosses told me terrible things about myself that I knew were not true but were excuses for discarding me. And while I never doubted that they were lies, a lot of former friends believed them--and I lost job, marriage, family, and most of my friends all at the same time. I think I could have bounced back from divorce much more quickly without the other factors; I am nothing if not resilient.

But anyway, here I am, finally able to look ahead instead of behind (the previous paragraph was only in explanation of my "stuckness"). I think I'm finally past the point of internalizing the crap, much of the anger, and moving on toward rising from the ashes. Occasional forays back into those places, but less and less often. If I could just get past the crushing loneliness and lack of connection now--and I'm working on that.

I think I've understood for awhile now that xH never deserved me...I think I knew that while I was still married even. But I feel it at different levels, and knowing what and how I contributed to my own misery has been a huge help in that. I hate that I lost myself in that relationship--but I think I just turned my attention toward pastoral ministry, which was giving me much more back than my husband was at the time, rather than actually losing myself. I think it was how I saved myself--even tho I lost the marriage. But seriously--that was never going to work. I know that now.

Thank you again so much for the words of wisdom and encouragement. You've affirmed that I am headed in the right direction.

[Gardener]

DQ,
This man on the sidelines is up and giving you two "Whoo Hoo!" standing O's for two outstanding, generous posts.

[hoosiermama]

DQ,
This man on the sidelines is up and giving you two "Whoo Hoo!" standing O's for two outstanding, generous posts.

Amen!!

[hoosiermama]

Weird, icky dreams last night! Something's going on in my subconscious!

In the first, I confronted OW in person. Told her what her selfishness cost D and I. I think this was in response to her reply when I sent her a note a week or so into this thing; she quoted the Wiccan "golden rule" which is apparently "do as you will but harm none." Apparently in her twisted little new age mind, she would do harm to xH if she dropped the relationship--I suppose no one else's well-being was a factor. She is a master of rationalization. Anyway, in the dream she got very angry with me, as did xH, who took off outside; I heard OW screaming, and ran outside to find xH in cardiac arrest in his car. At the end of the dream I was trying to resuscitate him as she continued screaming.

In the second dream, I ended up converting to the denomination xH converted to just before he left. It was unclear to me why I was doing that. But it didn't seem to have anything to do with xH, as he wasn't in the dream.

Both dreams left me feeling sad and. . . strange. I was very happy to wake up and realize my life was different from my dreams.

I haven't dreamed about this in a long, long time. So--analysis, anyone?

[BeingMe]

Well, last night I dreamt I was a Royal Mountie and was worried about getting my red uniform dirtied since we rarely used them in public. Where that came from ... who knows?

Sometimes, dreams are just our brains way of putting out the garbage. IMHO, it's out, now leave it be.

Although, I have read that dreams can have symbolic purpose. So, what symbolic issue does OW represent, or XH having a heart attack, or changing churches?

In another matter --- something I told a friend years ago. Her H was very violent and used to have affairs and flirt with other women in front of her. I used to berate him, calling him all kinds of names. Then I got it (she is a very soft person, a good Catholic who has no intention of ever divorcing him) --- "men are not attracted to doormats", I told her. I was more assertive in those days. I got soft in my own M, and look what happened. But, my friend started to get it --- she stopped putting up with his roving eye, etc. They are still married. And, he is no longer abusive.

I don't know if there is a message in there for you, but I need to be like that again. Although, your H wiped his feet on you by allowing you to pay for his studies. In my case, my H is paying for me to study full-time and he will be paying for my D17's upcoming college fees.

I am waffling --- take care.

[hoosiermama]

BeingMe--LOL!! at least your dream was colorful and you got to be a heroic character!!

I don't know about symbolic purpose; I just know that I've been working thru stuff at a different level here lately and turning some corners, and I assume this has something to do with that. Sometimes dreams are pretty clear, sometimes not so much. I'm not all that inclined to dig deep here, I think it's just part of the working thru.

oh, just to be clear--I didn't pay for my xH's graduate school or internship--he had grants and an assistantship. But I was the sole breadwinner for the first 3 years of our marriage, doing a heinous job with awful hours to pay all of our expenses.

[hoosiermama]

oh--and no more doormats for me!! no more settling, no more weak, immature, irresponsible, narcissistic men. I'm healthy enough now--finally--to want someone else healthy as well. no more "neuroses calling out to each other!"

Interesting things besides the dreams this weekend. D14 reports that xH tells her he hasn't seen OW all weekend. I think they usually have horse shows and travel on weekends, because D14 is rarely with him on weekends (as in, once every few months or so, and rarely for the whole weekend). D14 is very interested in this turn of events--thinks OW is about to dump xH, in her words! Probably wishful thinking on her part, but it has been about 2 years and the chemicals are perhaps wearing off.

[poet]

Hello,

Somebody (won't say who) suggested I stop in here. Just to let you know, my H filed in October, 09. Interrogatories and Motions are flying back and forth. And, we are going to mediation on April 15th. My attn. said a D is like having an out-of-body experience, and she is right.

How is everyone?

poet

P.S. Last night I dreamed I was on a cable ride, and the other night I dreamed I was about to be hit by a 10-foot-wave in the ocean. (I am beginnign to wonder if this means I'm about to go under).

[hoosiermama]

yes, I can identify with that out-of-body experience thing.

and the dreams--yeah, definitely can see that you feel like you're hanging and about to be overwhelmed by a wave. I dont' think they're predictive as much as they reveal things we're feeling.