My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

I like it, Gardner. I'm going to start doing that, myself (what if somebody did whatever to my Autistic kid? I surely wouldn't let it pass!).

You sound good, HM. Lots of little epiphanies lately!

yes--lots of epiphanies! when one is ready, it happens. I tried and tried to push to get to this point but without success--I wasn't ready. and while I knew these things in my head, now I know them at a deeper level, which makes all the difference.

[Gardener]

hm,
Thanks, and I think you got this part right as long as it's you saying

"yeah, you thought you got it before, and look what you did--you chose another loser/user!"

to your inner child and not the child chiding you for it. It's the adaptive child that probably made the lion's share of the choice (those sticky little fingers on the steering wheel again!)

In a three day seminar, Terry Real had us do an overnight homework assignment: Adult us writing a letter to adaptive child us. Basic framework: Acknowledging, praising and thanking adaptive child us for all the traits, strengths and coping mechanisms he/she developed to survive. It worked. You survived. We survived because of what you did. But those ways don't work anymore in an adult world, so I'll take over from here. You go back to being a child, maybe for the first time, ever. Your job is to keep me giddy, playful, full of wonder, and healthfully child-like. All this adult stuff? I've got it from here. I've got your back.

Very powerful, emotional stuff. Did it 5 years ago and I've still kept it.

[hoosiermama]

that's so true--and I knew it, that we teach people how to treat us.

it was frustrating to me to know that xH does all the things for OW he refused to do for me/for our family--but she expects it, and I long ago lost that expectation. If he failed to fix or do something, I did it. I enabled it. I didn't see an alternative--but I also didn't expect that he'd take care of me in any way. so he didn't. hard lesson to learn, but it sticks with me that way.

I never thought of myself as a people pleaser--because, honestly, I'm pretty assertive and self-assured in other areas of my life. but it seems I have always had to "earn" love. and while you don't enter a relationship with that awareness, it eventually becomes like that frog in the boiling pot of water--it happens slowly, over time, and you don't notice, and there you are in a non-survivable situation.

sadly, I think I project this stuff into my current fledgling relationship. I feel him pulling away, or he'll inadvertently say something that hits me wrong, and while he may just be very busy, to me it feels like intentional and cruel abandonment. and I overreact. and he's very patient, and I'm learning that he's not my xH.

sigh. lots of epiphanies.

[Gardener]

hm,

I think there's also a skill component, and that's what concerns me. how do you get those skills? what are those skills?!

The first skill I'm working on and beginning to use is to simply:
Pause.
Pause after someone finishes speaking/asking/complaining. Pause a beat or two or three (which feels like ten minutes!) to break the "automatic". That's enough for now, a good first step for me. Maybe, eventually, the pause will become longer and I'll process. And Consider. And decide.
That pause alone is beginning - beginning - to put an end to the word that always automatically pops out whenever anybody asks me anything: "SURE!"

But it's still a struggle.

[hoosiermama]

wow, gardener...this is good stuff. I remember doing this about 20 years ago, after my first divorce. it's time to revisit the adaptive child with my wiser, gentler adult. maybe she'll listen this time!

[hoosiermama]

hm,

I think there's also a skill component, and that's what concerns me. how do you get those skills? what are those skills?!

The first skill I'm working on and beginning to use is to simply:
Pause.
Pause after someone finishes speaking/asking/complaining. Pause a beat or two or three (which feels like ten minutes!) to break the "automatic". That's enough for now, a good first step for me. Maybe, eventually, the pause will become longer and I'll process. And Consider. And decide.
That pause alone is beginning - beginning - to put an end to the word that always automatically pops out whenever anybody asks me anything: "SURE!"

But it's still a struggle.

oops--cross-posted.

pause. consider. think. feel. I like it!

I'm really not one of those people who can't say no in general. it's just in romantic relationships that I subvert my own needs--and don't even realize I'm doing it until I can look back at it. and it seems I'll put up with almost any crap behavior from an intimate partner as long as it starts out normally.

[Gardener]

I'm really not one of those people who can't say no in general. it's just in romantic relationships that I subvert my own needs--and don't even realize I'm doing it until I can look back at it. and it seems I'll put up with almost any crap behavior from an intimate partner as long as it starts out normally.

I understand. I'm not that way with everybody, in every area of life. Just friends, family. Loved ones.
But that's more than enough to need to finally address it, take it on.

[hoosiermama]

I'm really not one of those people who can't say no in general. it's just in romantic relationships that I subvert my own needs--and don't even realize I'm doing it until I can look back at it. and it seems I'll put up with almost any crap behavior from an intimate partner as long as it starts out normally.

I understand. I'm not that way with everybody, in every area of life. Just friends, family. Loved ones.
But that's more than enough to need to finally address it, take it on.

I think the main reason I'm like this in intimate relationships is my general lack of attachments. I've finally realized I'm not neurotic, that we have a need to feel attached to others, and my life has had intervals (including now) with very limited attachments and connections. I've long been aware that almost every mistake I've ever made relationally has been because of this. It's not a fear of being alone as I once thought--it's not having that basic need of feeling connected being met. And while I'm working on that, it just isn't happening very quickly at all.

[DanceQueen]

Hi Hoosh...I thought I'd chime in.

I LOVE the "bitch" books. Love love love them. Not that they are a mantra for me, but they are just so useful in terms of general knowledge to have when you are navigating through a romantic relationship...of course for some people, the books will help in their daily life too, but as you describe, you are assertive in other areas of your life so you basically just need them in your romantic life.

You have asked rhetorically, how do you develop those skills?

I have some suggestions...these may or may not resonate with you, but I double dog dare you to try them! :0)

One suggestion is very simple: face yourself in the mirror daily in the morning, and tell yourself (outloud if you dare, silently if you don't want D to hear you) that you are THE BOMB, that you are worthy of love, that God loves you and you will one day make a man who loves you very very happy, that you are attractive inside and out, and that you will no longer accept less than all you deserve!

Do this everyday of your life, whether you are in a relationship or not!

It sounds corny, but it is inner self-worth building that you need to do. To be a bitch as described in the book, YOU have to know YOUR WORTH before anyone else can know it. One day, after doing this type of exercise for many many days, it will actually ring true to you. You'll be having a good hair day and having something to look forward to that day, you will be greeting the day in anticipation, and when you do the exercise, you'll actually believe it! Then you'll flip your hair and give yourself a cocky-flirty smile, and you'll suddenly see an amazingly beautiful woman shining back at you...even if only for a moment at first. You'll just have to trust me that this actually works. I've coached several girlfriends who needed a little bitch in their step with this practice, and they have all told me (after doing it for several days, weeks, even months) that eventually, they saw that gorgeous bitch in the mirror for a moment. From there, you can build on it.

A lot of women feel conceded to act as if they love themselves or feel beautiful. We seem to be taught to ignore our own beauty and to make sure that we come across as humble about it. And again, I'm not just talking about outer beauty but also inner beauty. But I think this is a load of crap. You can be humble while still feeling beautiful! You can speak privately to your own image in the mirror about this without ever even hinting to the world that you feel you are beautiful, so therefore, how can it be conceded? God wants you to love yourself. Any moment that you are mentally berating yourself in your mind (why am I so this or that, why can't I do anything right, etc), you are going against what God believes about you. In effect, he hears you and would say to you if you would listen "stop insulting my perfect child!"

Here's another suggestion...

Throw out all your granny panties and go buy some cute new ones! I mean this seriously. I know $$ is an issue for you, but do it incrementally if you have to. Spend at least $5 per pair. Buy 1 - 2 pairs every paycheck, and throw out 2 - 3 each time. If you already have some cute ones, great...keep them, but if they even have a little bit of worn out elastic or a little snag in them, toss 'em out. They are not worthy to be next to your body.

This isn't about anyone else. Its not about lingerie. Its about YOU treating YOURSELF in a very private and personally intimate way as if you are a beautiful woman. Put beautiful private things on your body that only you know about, and you'll have this great secret under your clothes every day. They don't have to be sexy, just pretty and whatever makes you feel happy. And NEW, they have to be NEW. OLD PANTIES gotta go...no self-respecting bitch will keep panties in her drawer that are pathetically worn out. Maybe you already do this exercise, don't be insulted if you already have high panty standards, LOL! I've just found that many moms don't bother with their own panty drawer much, so I'm making an assumption.

And finally one last suggestion...

Read an empowering book about a bitchy woman who inspires you. Go to the library and pick one deliberately to inspire you. This is all about you, so no suggestions from me. It can be fiction or non-fiction, romantic or not. But it has to be about a woman you admire and who you can mentally begin to model. By reading about her you can begin to pick up little hints and clues as to who she is inside and how she is able to pull off bitch-ness. Get inside her head and carry her thoughts around with you daily while you are reading it. Even if she has a tragic life or end to her life, as long as it is a woman you admire, it will be good for the exercise. Even bitches have tragedy, and avoiding tragedy is not the goal of a bitch...so if its a horribly tragic story of a wonderfully bitchy woman, that works just as well as a happy ending.

For those of you who don't know about the bitch books, please don't think I'm using the word in the usual sense. In the books, bitch is an acronym for babe.in.total.control.of.herself.

Hope you can actually try these suggestions. They are baby steps, but I promise you...from a somewhat naturally bitchy woman, I know how to do it, and have helped a few others become it. It will take years, there are no shortcuts. But it can work if you really want it. I can actually see you turning a corner already just by the things you are writing lately....

Good luck!

DQ

[hoosiermama]

Ah, DQ--I'm blown away by the content and the volume of your post! It's always so humbling to me that someone I don't know can spend so much time and effort sharing their experience for my benefit!!

Got the panty thing down! I think I did that a little over a year ago--for exactly the reasons you described!! I even bought a few bra/panty sets. Also went thru my closet de-frumping it--and need to re-do that. Colored my hair lighter blonde (everyone I haven't seen for awhile seems very pleasantly surprised by that), changed some makeup colors and techniques.

Really I wasn't asking those questions rhetorically! So thank you for the practical advice. I have come a looooooong way over the past 2 years or so since the bomb. I occasionally do see a beautiful woman looking back from the mirror. But the daily affirmation and focus would be a good thing. Of course I still have some bad days, but they're just that--days, not weeks and years of not liking myself.

Much of this came from working hard to get thru some issues, but part of it came from someone finding me beautiful and sexually desirable. It's been soooo long since I've felt that way, and I just stopped thinking of myself as a sexual being. I thought that part of me had died. But now I feel more whole than I have felt in a very long time--I have that part of me back.

Thank you, thank you for caring enough to post DQ--and everyone else! I believe I am turning a corner, and I can't believe how wonderful that feels.