My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[Gardener]

hm,

thanks, gardener. People ought to be ashamed, really. I actually told her principal that--that by failing to address bullying by other students and one particular teacher, he's made a difficult time in her life even worse. No response, of course.

Of course, you're right. Mine are all in their thirties so I failed to realize that other very real side of it; the divorce orphan.

I had an interesting revelation today that keeps unfolding for me. Can't remember the thread, but it was a discussion about what women want in men--to be loved, respected, cherished, protected, and to have leadership. and it dawned on me--YES!! absolutely. I've been in marriages where I had to do it all--and felt disrespected, unloved, certainly never protected but often abandoned during bad times. For years I hated myself for being unable to resolve my persistent resentment--but it was about that. And somehow I expected myself, as a 20th century professional woman, not to need those things. I just didn't get it. Now, stepping back and having some perspective, I get it. I was aware that I made poor choices--but I don't think I really understood quite why they were poor, so I wasn't sure I'd ever trust myself again. I feel like a weight has been lifted!!!

Very interesting insight. My theory of resentment, discussed ad nauseam on my last thread a few months back is this: We don't - can't - resent another person for their actions or inactions. Such resentment is misdirected so we don't have to point it inwards and admit we resent ourselves. Resent ourselves for accepting the unacceptable, for not speaking up, speaking out, making our needs known, setting boundaries, etc.

Anyway, when it dawned on me, it certainly resonated with me: I didn't resent her. After all, I think resentment builds up over time, through repetition. I resented my own growing acquiescing. And this was very uncharacteristic of me. At some point over the years I became too agreeable, too acquiescing. Lost me no small measure of respect in her estimation, I'm sure.

[hoosiermama]

that's very insightful, gardener. worth some pondering--was I angry/resentful of him or of myself for letting myself become invisible and unimportant?! I think I consciously tried not to have many legitimate needs so I'd be low-maintenance and not "bothersome." family of origin crap, there. but you can't deny your needs--for sleep, for intimacy, for trust, for love, for feeling valued. it blows up in your face if you do that.

and it's been an interesting study--he chose someone with a very dominant personality, intent on getting her needs met no matter what, requiring a lot of sacrifice (this time around and 25+ years ago). And he's doing all those things for her he refused to do for me--footrubs after a long day at work, fixing things on the farm, mucking out horse stalls. for me/our family the man wouldn't change lightbulbs. and it made me nuts at first--if he'd only been open to doing those things, I wouldn't have been so resentful, I would have felt more loved and protected. well, duh! I didn't require anything! and because he's profoundly selfish and quite immature, that was license not to go outside his comfort zone. he did and got pretty much all he wanted, and I asked for nothing--and I got nothing. And kinda the same with my first marriage, only that one became abusive pretty quickly and I was the one who left.

I'm getting insight into that whole concept of Why Men Love Bitches. I think I was the female equivalent of the Nice Guy, and it was boring and I was angry and resentful--and you're right, probably more at myself than at him. He was who he was, after all, and I knew it when I married him. I just kept expecting the man who courted me to reappear, but that was a very temporary character.

lots of lightbulbs going off today! now I need to learn how to integrate this understanding into a behavior change. if you've spent your whole life trying not to be a bother, how do you switch into a more "I'm worth it and I expect to be treated with love, respect, kindness, protection, and leadership?" attitude?

[BeingMe]

if you've spent your whole life trying not to be a bother, how do you switch into a more "I'm worth it and I expect to be treated with love, respect, kindness, protection, and leadership?" attitude?

There's the rub, Hmama! Changing the behaviour. I have the same problem.

[hoosiermama]

if you've spent your whole life trying not to be a bother, how do you switch into a more "I'm worth it and I expect to be treated with love, respect, kindness, protection, and leadership?" attitude?

There's the rub, Hmama! Changing the behaviour. I have the same problem.

I'm thinking (hoping, actually) that some change will come as a direct result of seeing this so differently, of understanding my mistakes at a heart level. But beyond that--wow, I'm open to ideas! how does a doormat become more b*tchy?! (I mean that as--more self-protective, confident, self-assured!)

[Gardener]

BM & hm,

if you've spent your whole life trying not to be a bother, how do you switch into a more "I'm worth it and I expect to be treated with love, respect, kindness, protection, and leadership?" attitude?

There's the rub, Hmama! Changing the behaviour. I have the same problem.

Keep this with you or someplace where you'll see it often:

If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you've always gotten.

Or, better yet, write this down and keep it with you.
May not always work, but I think it's a good in-your-face reminder not to do what comes naturally, automatically.

Decades of automatic "self-less" behavior is tough to buck (says the man who is struggling mightily through No More Mr. Nice Guy).

[hoosiermama]

yeah--I think I'm the feminine equivalent of the Nice Guy.

those natural, automatic responses are tough to break. I mean, I certainly grasp the concept of "do something different if you want different results"--I think that's the motivation part. I think there's also a skill component, and that's what concerns me. how do you get those skills? what are those skills?!

[Gardener]

how does a doormat become more b*tchy?! (I mean that as--more self-protective, confident, self-assured!)

Hers's another thought: respond/react to every potential "doormat" situation as though it was about to happen/be done to D14. GRRR!!!
Be your own "Mama Bear!
After all, it's our own "inner child" that learned this behavior to adapt, to survive. Be that child's Mama Bear. That child needed/still needs an adult to protect him/her.

Or, as I heard author Terry Real once put it, "It's time to tell that child to take his sticky little fingers off the steering wheel. You'll drive now."

[hoosiermama]

wow, gardener, that's brilliant in it's simplicity!!! and something that makes sense. and actually uses familiar concepts--that whole inner child business.

I can actually imagine an inner dialogue, with that kid saying, "yeah, you thought you got it before, and look what you did--you chose another loser/user!" I learned a lot the last time, tho, and I've learned a lot this time. and I learned a lot about myself and how life works in-between. that's a lot of hard-won wisdom and hard work.

[Andabelle]

I like it, Gardner. I'm going to start doing that, myself (what if somebody did whatever to my Autistic kid? I surely wouldn't let it pass!).

You sound good, HM. Lots of little epiphanies lately!

[figgeroni]

It was very hard for me to break the people pleaser pattern too...
and
sometimes I slip back into it as it is familiar
however
the longer I treat myself with the same respect I give other people, the harder it is to slip back into familiar behaviors

mama bear is a great analogy

protect yourself as much, if not more than you protect everyone else
we need to be as kind and accomodating to ourselves as we would be with other people

when we start to do that, people will respond

I teach my children and my students that people will treat us how we expect them too

it was tough for me to learn the lesson I was supposidly teaching