She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[Surviving03]

Hmm... do you have any way you could call a DB coach from over there? Its hard for you because you are the one that has to do the contacting, if not only for the sake of talking to your children. I wasnt seeing any results from my H either until i talked to a coach and then I got an immediate result, I am not sure that what my coach told me would be advised for you, but they would have something to tell you and make you feel better about having a "game plan". I obviously dont have a ton of good advise as I am in the same sort of situation, but I have noticed that I only seem to get responses if I am posting on other pages, it keeps my name out there, if you have time to check out some other stories and post a little bit I think you would get some more help.

[jasper67]

Forgive me I haven't read your entire sitch but your W is clearly upset and impatient- I can see lots of behaviors I saw in my WAW...you need to stick to business, if you call to speak to your D then just keep it at that...

Your job here is to not add to the stress- I know that's extremely difficult b/c of the uncertainty- but your actions will likely dictate her actions or at least influence them greatly.

I'm gonna start from the beginning and will post more later...

[Awoken]

Hey Tbart, I've been lurking your thread since u got here. I'm sorry you haven't been getting a lot of responses lately; I know what that's like. Remember that many more people are reading your thread than post on it.

I'll offer my thoughts, just to give you some support.

First:

Does anyone really know how the mind of the WAS works. Four weeks ago she was telling me she was miserable also, then she wa cold, then she still loved me and wanted us to go to C and we'll take it from there, to being back to the way she is now.

Sandi and Greek both have great insight into the mind of the WAS, since they both were WAW's. They have both posted useful things here in your thread, and I really suggest you go back and re-read what they had to say. It's important.

You shouldn't try to mind read your W. First, you can't know what is going on with her, and second it distracts you from the GAL activities you need to be pursuing. Thinking about W makes you think about pursing her, and about saving your M.

I told her I thought we would visit for a little while.

this is what I'm talking about. This is straight out pursuit, and it's a db mistake! I'm not saying you should be cold to her, but you do need to avoid any pursuing behaviors.

I stuck to the points, listened and agreed when needed, and compromised like readjusting the day.

If this was as smooth as you make it sound, then great job. I've always had a hard time with these kind of conversations, and even when I thought I had been validating and cooperative, I've discovered later that my very manner of speech betrayed my true thoughts. When you said "like readjusting the day", I worry that your W saw through you. You have to change the very manner of your communication.

I had my daughter ask her if she got my email.

Man, I think this is a bad idea: communicating through your kids. It may make you look weak and manipulative. It's like a veiled accusation, letting your kids in on the idea that your wife is not responsive to you. Your W knows this. It's also not good for the kids IMHO. I'm not suggesting you hide the realities of what is going on from them. kids see and understand. But I don't think they should be in the middle of your conversations. It's gotta be tough on you, being on the otherside of the world (I can't imagine). If your W is communicating through your kids, its a good chance for some boundary setting; which is good for you.

Tbart, you've been on my watch list, but I simply haven't felt like I had anything to say. All our stichs are difficult, and I hardly feel qualified to offer advice. Take it with a big grain of sand (if you haven't had enough of sand!)Know we are out here thinking of you. Of course, thanks for your service. I'm anxious for you to get home and see what happens for you. I know you are worried, but it's gonna be great for you to see your kids again. It sounds like they really need you now. I also think you need to sort out the question of OM/EA, ect.

hang in there.

[tbart01]

Unfortunately Awoken my D14 already knows what's going on. My W made the mistake of telling her just over a month ago, even though we agreed we wouldn't until I got home. Ever since then my D has been over supportive of me and not of her mother. Yes the conversation was as smooth as I described.

After talking to someone close to the situation I've decided to let W go so t speak. I emailed her and told we needed to discuss our financial plan and to set up a time convenient for her. We have set up a phone conversation to discuss what we plan to do with our finances next Wed. The person close to the situation said the reality is she doesn't want to be with me and we're separated right now. No sense trying to kid myself. Why try to stay with someone that doesn't want me. I deserve to be loved and wanted.

I still have hope for the future, but the situation is what it is right now. She had said she wanted me to continue to call her on Thursday's, but I'm going to discontinue that. This will be very difficult, but I have to let her go if she's to ever come back. Once I get home I will GAL (hard to do from here).

Meghunny I would live to do DB coaching, but I just can't afford it having to now support two households. I know it would be helpful and I could use it, but I just can't.

I'm in a Afghanistan unable to sleep and unable to keep my mind off of the situation at home. This isn't anything I ever wanted to go through or that ever want to go through again.

[robx]

I know it seems like I'm talkingto myself here, but I'm confused. Today I called my wife for our weekly scheduled phone call. She asked me how much time I hd and she put my D4 to bed. She asked why I called D14 on Tuesday, and I told her I always call her on Tuesday. She asked if I could call a different night because that's the night she has IC and isn't home. She want's D14 to concentrate on D4. I agreed and chose another day.

I was very calm on the telephone. She had emailed me from work and said she wanted to talk to me beacause she was angry about the night before. Me calling while D14 was watching D4. I stuck to the points, listened and agreed when needed, and compromised like readjusting the day. We finished the conversation with small talk, and then I got off to go to work. I feel doing and saying all the right things, but the truth is when we meet up face to face.

Towards the end of the conversation she asked about how things would be when I came home. W asked me if I wanted the first few days with the kids when I got home. I replied yes absolutely because I miss them and they miss me. W said she would pick me up form the airport, take us home then she would leave for her friends house. I asked if she literally meant she would drop us off, tag off to me, and leave. She repilied with yes, how did you think it was going to be. I told her I thought we would visit for a little while.

I realize she doesn't want to be with me right now, and I realize she wants to feel things out when I get home. I just have a hard time with the fact i left 6 months ago with what apeared to be a wife that loves me, and I'm going home to one that apears not to. I look forward to getting home and seeing my girls, but I'm not looking forward to what lies ahead.

I haven't read the entire thread yet,
has anyone suggested the possibility of another man?
Seriously, she is getting mad at you for calling your older daughter at home who is watching your younger daughter while your wife is at her "counsellor's" appointment? Why, what would possibly happen while you're on the phone with your daughter, if anything you ask her to bring your younger daughter in the same room as her and all 3 of you could talk on the phone.

You're in Afghanistan, literally a war zone but she says that she's going to pick you up from the airport, drop you off at home so that you can be with the kids and she isn't going to spend anytime talking to you, listening to any new stories/developments, talking about the kids, what's happened while you've been away, maybe share a meal with you and the kids when you return home.

Doesn't this strike anyone else as being extremely cold hearted?

What is at this "friends" house that is so important.

Look I'm not trying to stir up the pot but I follow my intuition and lately I'm just on a hot streak, the WAW behavior is way too predictable once you get you used to spotting the signs.

You said it yourself, you left 6 months ago with what appeared to be a wife that loved you and now you have a wife that doesn't love you. Something doesn't add up, what particular signals this for me is the abrupt, cold, cruel and angry behavior she is exhibiting - what is causing this inside of her.

I'm going to tell you now, you don't have to support 2 households, she's a big girl, if she wants to leave because you're coming home and living in the same house, let her but you don't have to pay her way at another place. You're being too nice and she knows you're afraid to lose her and she uses this and as long as you continue to be too nice she'll get angrier, colder, spiteful and more cruel and I hate telling you this because you're wondering what you have to look forward to when you come home.

Here's your 180 if you want my advice, when you get home, ignore her, when she drops you off at home, just say "yup thanks" and go hang out with the kids. When you get home, have a plan, prepare to go out with the kids, restaurant, somewhere kid friendly & fun, go do something, you've definitely earned it and stop worrying about your wife's actions.

Stop worrying about supporting 2 households, you only have to support the one household you live in, don't make any assumptions yet as to what you owe her, you already have this defeatist attitude which is super unattractive. If she wants to go let her, but you don't have to expect that you have to finance her "waywardness".

Your attitude is this,
let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. The sooner you adopt this mental attitude, the better you will be and the quicker things will turn around.

Something has sparked her new attitude, I guarantee it.
But... I don't want you to start making accusations. You do this the smart way. You do some investigating, speak with friends that you can trust that have been around while you weren't, someone has noticed something peculiar, someone always does, no matter how well people cover their tracks, there is always some loose end that wasn't considered. Watch her attitude, if she's cold, abrasive, angry, almost seems like she's pushing you around and calling the shots, I can tell you that kind of attitude usually gets generated when a spouse is in an affair and they feel like they're angry with you because when they look at you it reminds them that what they're doing isn't necessarily the right thing, they don't like feeling guilty, your image reminds them of this but instead of feeling sad & remorseful, they feel angry because you're in the way of that happiness. My suggestion, let her have her "happiness" but don't finance her new place, let her do the work when it comes to her filing, getting a lawyer and all that stuff. Your attitude will be "you can do all of that just don't expect me to help you do that because I don't have to", plain & simple.

I wish I could offer something different tbart but for now, that's where it stands. Be safe where you are, come home safe for your kids, that's your priority, stay focused on your tasks while you're over there, no one needs to concentrate on this bull$hit when they have such a dangerous occupation.

Be safe!

[tbart01]

robx I have looked into that possibility, and there's nothing to it. I've gotten with trusted friends, and it's not the problem. She was acting cold and distant before I left, but I never thought it would turn to this. If you read through my entire post, you'll see this.

I have a plan for when I get home, and it involves the children. Everything is joint and in both names, so until we can be able to split things, which will be awhile, it's like supporting two households. We have an alternate living plan, which I've talked about in here.

In talking to people close to her, these are feelings she harbored and suppressed for years. For some reason they came out after I left because the tension was gone.

My 180 is to let her go and break off all contact. I knew we would be staying at different places when I got home, but i just didn't think it would be right after she dropped me off.

[robx]

robx I have looked into that possibility, and there's nothing to it. I've gotten with trusted friends, and it's not the problem. She was acting cold and distant before I left, but I never thought it would turn to this. If you read through my entire post, you'll see this.

I have a plan for when I get home, and it involves the children. Everything is joint and in both names, so until we can be able to split things, which will be awhile, it's like supporting two households. We have an alternate living plan, which I've talked about in here.

In talking to people close to her, these are feelings she harbored and suppressed for years. For some reason they came out after I left because the tension was gone.

My 180 is to let her go and break off all contact. I knew we would be staying at different places when I got home, but i just didn't think it would be right after she dropped me off.

STOP!

No one is expected to support 2 households, get this mindset of yours to change. If your wife really wants to leave, she can and you can't do anything about that. But you don't have to pay for another house or apartment, where did you read that this is a requirement for you? She can get a job, she's an adult. Look if she can make the decision to leave you, there are alot of things that happen because of that. She can't expect that you'll pay for her way in life when you're not with her. You can separate your finances, in fact, you can start doing that when you get home or speaking to a bank before that and getting a new chequings/saving account somewhere else and when you get home, start depositing your pay in there.

[robx]

as for your wife, look if she's been faithful than I'm happy for you that at least she's been loyal enough to do this but her behaviors, specifically the recent ones don't add up. There are umpteen threads where the LBS said the same thing, they were sure that their WAS wasn't involved in any affair whatsoever and then later they find out that their spouse had found someone new.

[Gnosis]

tbart I recommend you read SoldierDad's thread. He too was like you. He is about to return home in a day or two.

[Gnosis]

I agree with Rob's advice. Additionally:

1) Go see a Lawyer ASAP. Don't argue with me, JUST DO IT. Find out EXACTLY what your legal rights are and work accordingly.

2) Separate your finances IMMEDIATELY. She wants to live alone and make a go of it then you should honor her wish. It's called living in reality. Give her a FULL dose of it.

3) Get yourself to independent counseling ASAP. You've been in a warzone. You're going to need some kind of wind-down.

4) Step up and take care of your family. That means you make sure your kids are provided for with shelter, love and support. Be there for them.