Texas guy has been really kind and supportive about graduation--thinks he probably wants to attend but thinks we should decide closer to the actual date. He's described my whole mental process to a "T"--and explained that he knew all that because he's done it himself a million times. And that I'll be fine and will handle it with grace.
Seems a few walls have fallen with him over the past week; more than likely they'll go back up, but we can always hope!! He's travelling the rest of the week then taking his girls skiing over spring break, so I probably won't hear from him for a week or two.
I really need to get out of my head a bit more than I do; I just tend to lose perspective and everything becomes far more intense than it needs to be. And this just isn't me--except since the bomb. My world has shrunk so much, and there are weeks when I don't talk to anyone except my co-worker, my kids at school and my daughter.
This morning my fb screen suggested I add xH as a friend!! NOT!! Besides, he's "in a relationship" so I certainly wouldn't want to inadvertenly interfere with that!!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Funny I had the ex suggestion too!! Like you might know this person and "friend" them...oh get real.
Have they rescheduled your interview yet? At least this gives you some more time to find out about the company and brush up on some skills if necessary. I know you will do great when you get to the interview.
Old friends/flames are prominent in my life right now too. I rushed a bit on one situation and so I have pulled in the reigns a bit. Everything will come in time.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
ah--thanks for asking! The interview is this afternoon at 4:15. I played phone tag with the contact person on Monday, then we connected yesterday afternoon and scheduled for today. although when I tried to do the online application I went thru all the steps and then got the "not accepting applications at this time" message. Not sure what's up with that! But she already has my resume.
I know the fb "friend" thing is just a matter of having mutual friends on there--but it's kinda funny! I'm tempted to friend him and write a bunch of suggestive messages so that wiccawoman would feel threatened!! lol!
yes, that "pulling in the reins" thing works amazingly well. another counter-intuitive thing, and sometimes hard to do, at least for me!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I really hate the thought of leaving this school. I love the work, I love the kids for the most part, there's such a need and it's possible to do so much good here, I have friends here (and nowhere else, really), and I AM Nurse Hoosiermama to everyone. I fit, there are connections, there's some attachment. If only I made a suitable salary!!
(the above paragraph should not be read as "waffling," simply as anticipatory grief.)
what will be, will be. I have faith that God will make the appropriate decisions here.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
oh, yeah. sometimes I look around and wonder--where'd everybody go?! (and why'd everybody go?!) having so few attachments to people is a genuine physical stressor--not sure I realized that until I began reading about recovering from abandonment.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
the interview went ok. it was kind of odd--the nursing manager and a couple of the other nurses just told me about the tasks the job entails. never got a real clear overview. and they didn't ask me any questions at all. there are apparently 2 positions open right now, and they hope to fill them in the next couple of weeks. that would mean I wouldn't finish out the school year--and that seriously bums me out. we shall see how this turns out.
went by myself and painted pottery tonight--made D14 a cross with her name on it for 8th grade graduation, and it turned out pretty well (as much as I can tell before firing, that is).
and the good news is--D14 got the part of Mary in the school's Living Stations of the Cross!! She wanted it badly, and she wrote a wonderful essay (a requirement) about why she'd be a good choice for the role. she's thrilled!! and so am I. so good to have something good happen for her for once!!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
oh, yeah. sometimes I look around and wonder--where'd everybody go?! (and why'd everybody go?!) having so few attachments to people is a genuine physical stressor--not sure I realized that until I began reading about recovering from abandonment.
Recently somebody posted - I forget who - (was it you?) that it would almost have been better if Spouse had died.
The abandonment feels like like he or might as well have. But the circle of friends and loved ones would have tightened, gathered around us, supported us, lifted us up, included us.
Instead, even though an emotional "death," an emotional "widowhood", if you will, has taken place and is every bit as debilitating, the opposite happens: the circle disperses, feels awkward, figures, "hey, it's over; move on."
An extreme analogy, perhaps but I remember reading it and thinking, "Exactly!"
Good for you on the interview. Sometimes interviewers are just as nervous as interviewees. And some interviewers just out-and-out stink at it. Very few managers with hiring authority - in any discipline or industry - get any training on conducting interviews. Go figure.
Glad your daughter got the part. And I'm sure the cross will be beautiful when its done.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
thanks, gardener. and sadly, it's not just emotional widowhood, it's also emotional orphan-ing--D14 has had next to no support from friends, family, school, church(es). but had her father died rather than left us for an adulterous relationship, all of those groups would have gathered round and supported her, made sure she had resources to get thru it. People ought to be ashamed, really. I actually told her principal that--that by failing to address bullying by other students and one particular teacher, he's made a difficult time in her life even worse. No response, of course.
I have a second interview next week (St. Patrick's Day) with the medical director/primary investigator (it's a research position). he wasn't able to be there yesterday because of child care issues. I'm really bummed about perhaps not being able to finish out the school year--I'm hoping somehow things will work out otherwise. If I get hired, that is!
I had an interesting revelation today that keeps unfolding for me. Can't remember the thread, but it was a discussion about what women want in men--to be loved, respected, cherished, protected, and to have leadership. and it dawned on me--YES!! absolutely. I've been in marriages where I had to do it all--and felt disrespected, unloved, certainly never protected but often abandoned during bad times. For years I hated myself for being unable to resolve my persistent resentment--but it was about that. And somehow I expected myself, as a 20th century professional woman, not to need those things. I just didn't get it. Now, stepping back and having some perspective, I get it. I was aware that I made poor choices--but I don't think I really understood quite why they were poor, so I wasn't sure I'd ever trust myself again. I feel like a weight has been lifted!!!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
