Look. Not one of us on this planet can honestly look at their M's and say they were perfect (excepting, obviously, my W!). All kidding aside, repeat after me, there is no perfect M b/c there are no perfect people!!
Look at your faults, and correct what you can. It's all about being a better person. Not a PERFECT person. Own your issues, correct them, then move on.
Your W is looking to blow up at whatever she can find (in her mind). If you were perfect, she'd still be raising he!! With you. B/c it isn't about you. It's about her and her justifying her decision.
Now, the question is whether you will/want to put up with her if she isn't making any attempt to address HER issues. What if she called off the D, but remained the same person she is today (yes, I'm asking myself the same question). Would you be happy? Of course not.
So do that soul searching about whether you grieve the loss of the M you enjoyed or the M you have TODAY.
Awoken. Good for you for addressing it in no uncertain terms and letting it fly. flowmom mentioned denial in, as I inferred it, its classic meaning of doesn't have a clue, doesn't want to face, admit, etc.
My take on denial has always been different. Denial isn't an unknowing fog one is powerlessly trapped in. One can only deny - to others -what one already knows to be true.
Originally Posted By: Awoken
This morning I emailed my L asking her to complete the paperwork as soon as possible.
Sorry buddy, but perhaps ultimately inevitable and for the best in the long run, especially for those darling kids and the dad they so obviously love. Prepare: it's going to get bumpy and ugly. Endure. Maintain your integrity.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
flowmom mentioned denial in, as I inferred it, its classic meaning of doesn't have a clue, doesn't want to face, admit, etc.
My take on denial has always been different. Denial isn't an unknowing fog one is powerlessly trapped in. One can only deny - to others -what one already knows to be true.
That is a very good point Gardener.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
...those darling kids and the dad they so obviously love.
Yes, they are a blessing beyond measure.
Saturday, at my nephew's wedding, S14! sat next to me as we watched the ceremony. Of course it affected me, but I was in a good mood and happy for my nephew. As the ceremony progressed, my thoughts were sad, but I kept them very quiet in my head and my sadness was only a shadow to the joy of the event. Somehow, at the just the right moment S14! reaches over and grabs my tightly, giving me the three squeeze "I love you" that we shared for years when he was much younger. It's was an unusually direct display of love and empathy for him, the teenage boy. We held hand through most of the ceremony.
I truly am blessed.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
repeat after me, there is no perfect M b/c there are no perfect people!!
There is no perfect M, because there are no perfect people!!
Got it. It's a great point, gima. I spent the first month or so of my sitch taking all the blame on myself. Lately my W's problems have been so ... well pronounced, that I worry that I've focused too much on them. I do need to protect the family.
One of my good friends, one that calls several times a week just to see how I'm doing, mentioned to me Friday that he thought I talked about W too much, and that it takes two to make a marriage fail. It hurt hearing him say that, but I realized that I had been venting too much to him, and he didn't know my inner turmoil and grief over my failures.
I need to spend more time on ME, GAL, etc. Less on W and the divorce.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Awoken, I'm really glad that you told your STBXW how her illness is affecting you and the children. It was the right thing to do, as a man and as a father.
And how crushing her response was. The denial. I can only hope that some of what you said sank in and that she will deal with her problems eventually, so that your interactions with her can be more peaceful.
Yes, I'm glad I told her too. Surprisingly, yesterday morning she was very friendly and chatty. She told me all about her triathlon. Even with all my experience with her, I was still startled by the change of mood.
What Gardener said is accurate with regards to W. She KNOWS she is bi-polar, as we have talked about it many times during our marriage. She is very sensitive about it, and this is the first time I've directly criticized her over it. In the past, I thought support was the best approach.
Her denial Saturday night was empty, and I think her new attitude reflects her knowing. Still, it makes no difference without her getting treatment.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
The chatty/cheerful mood is just as toxic as the bad stuff because it messes with your head. I hope that more distance will feel better for you Awoken.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
The chatty/cheerful mood is just as toxic as the bad stuff because it messes with your head. I hope that more distance will feel better for you Awoken.
Right on there. Just enough to keep the LBS interested.
