Yes, remember this. I`m told our WAS would have gone through MLC no matter what. If we were in their lives or not. They have unresolved issues they couldn`t get past, even tho they deny it all. I see my H`s siblings going through their own confusion, so this may be right.
There is still hope until a D is filed, and even after that. You will know when you`ve had enough and it`s time to move on.
Thank you Celestial-That is some great wisdom and certainly makes it easier to swallow all this. I do forget it though. I know my W has to come to grips with her childhood issues and that this would/did happen with or without me.
It is a choice to seek to understand this (by being here) and a choice to continue to endure the trials of loving someone who doesn't know how to love themselves.
I know this is the toughest path. It is to love without any want or need for its return. I love because I love. It is so hard to keep this straight especially when you are getting the opposite of love from the person you love. Or for me I get just complete ambivilance.
I think each day it is getting easier to just say that to myself.
I don't want to run away from the pain as much as I want to run toward joy. I ran away from the pain of my first M.
I guess this my philosophical diatribe about my situation. It sometimes helps to talk about it in these terms so you know how to put the pain behind you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I have been reading the thread about the stages of LBS. I can certainly see where I have been on that continuum. I do feel it is a continuum because until you get to Acceptance you fall back to anger, sometimes denial, sometimes bargaining.
I feel like lately, since I have gone NC that something has taken hold. To do the NC you have to let go of a lot that you've held on to. Your fear mostly I think. I also think it is truly the stage when you have said, and are moving to accepting that your M is dead. Then depression over the loss comes in. I think that's where I am.
Through the whole process though I feel like all the triggers and the pain, the anger, the sadness are necessary. You have to let this stuff happen. Then you have to decide to stop it from happening. I think detaching is the most important and necessary step.
A common mistake and one I made on my first M is to run away from it. Hide in a new R or multiple R's. Stay so busy you don't have time to feel. One could say you are detached but distracted.
I really think that is a mistake. I think you have to let this stuff come through. Own it and deal with it.
I recognize now that there was no other way for my M to go then where it did. There was no way it was going to survive what my W was dealing with and where I was, where our M had gone becasue of it. It was not healthy.
This a little bit of Acceptance that I see happening with me.
Just journaling ...thanks for listening.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Through the whole process though I feel like all the triggers and the pain, the anger, the sadness are necessary. You have to let this stuff happen. Then you have to decide to stop it from happening.
Yes they are and yes you do. You have to accept it, allow yourself to feel it and deal with it. You have to keep moving forward. Many people will become stuck and stay (some for a long time) in either anger or depression.
Well I got an email over the weekend from W. I have not initiated contact with her for over week.
I responded very short and sweet.
I have been reconnecting with lots of friends and some of the women have found me on FB and sent friend requests and wrote stuff.
W sent me a message this a.m. saying "It looks like you've been busy on FB. Can we talk this week?"
My question is how to handle these requests from her?
My thinking is just say call whenever you want which is what I have told her from the beginning.
My attitude lately has evolved to just be happy and live my life I don't have any expectations about this. So my convo's with W will follow this attitude.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Love your attitude!! Treat W as you would treat a friend. Before any re-action from you, think at how you would re-act to a friend, and treat W the same way.
I have been trying to further define my experience and my path. To do this I have to keep in mind that I have a tendency to be a martyr.
I know this- I am not the cause of her pain nor am I the solution to it.
By commiting to my M and the vow I took I honor myself. Just as in anything else in life that you commit to its success. Winning a game. Getting a degree. Making a career. Sometimes we do this for others (i.e. the praise or acceptance of others)
This thing though is totally for YOU. YOU can certainly leave as a vcitim, or from a place of weakness, and truly dishonor and disrespect YOURSELF.
This is a choice to honor and respect YOURSELF. To leave would be giving yourself over to fear and allowing yourself to continue this into your life.
You are on your own. Few recognize the honor in remaining true to your vows, few have the courage to endure the worst trials of a marriage.
I decide to go forward from a place of strength. To rebuild myself for me so I can be a better man and then for who will share my life-my wife,hopefully, for I...
...do think love is the greatest thing we can give. It is not selfish. It does not want. It hopes all things. It endures all things...it stands ON ITS OWN.
As I do.
This is a journey to honor myself. To reconcile the self with the truly committed love for another.
To love enough to let go. To love enough to live for yourself To love enough to let them live and grow too. To love enough to be patient.
There is no anger no regret no shame no dishonor no blame no disrespect no fear
... when you love in this way. There is no loss or injury to you.
You are not a martyr for what you do for LOVE you do for YOURSELF.
Again, thanks for listening.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
