As far as your question goes that is much tougher. Your WH is very confused. Normally I would say detach/NC. This is harder because of your business. I am not sure how your business is going to survive this. I am assuming your WH is an integral part of this business. Can he be replaced in the business?
The confusion certainly indicates that he is MLC. The NC is to protect you and I am not sure of your feelings about all of this? You seem to treat him and his affair as OK?
I think your boundary is good however you can not enable him to have you, the OW and the business. He is going to get rid of one of those things. It should not be you.
I think the most important thing for you to do is to start living your life as if he is not coming back because I think his replay has started down that road. GAL. Work on being the best MOM you can be.
Thanks OldPilot, I don't know myself how the business is going to survive this and you guessed right WH is an integral part of it.
And I agree that he can't have it all - my friendship, business and his affair.
But I truly feel trapped in the business at the moment, if I walk out on it, there are some personal guarantees in place so I would be stuck with 1/2 of the business debt. I also don't think that I can replace the income by getting a job. Plus I was hoping that by staying friends and continuing the business I can DB.
Originally Posted By: OldPilot
The confusion certainly indicates that he is MLC. The NC is to protect you and I am not sure of your feelings about all of this? You seem to treat him and his affair as OK?
No I don't think the affair is OK and he certainly knows how I feel about it. I have no choice but to accept that it exists. I treat WH as a friend and show him concern and support (accept when it's about OW)
I'm trying to detach from his **** as much as I can but sure it's hard because of business. I guess I just have to be even stronger and find ways to show thim that he can't have it all.
Any ideas are welcome
Last edited by Mila; 03/06/1010:46 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I can't imagine what it's like to be tied in business with an MLC spouse.
One question I have is, what are your options here?
I find that he wants you to trust him twistedly funny (I have an odd sense of humor esp now). Trust him how and to do what? What's best for himself? Where do you and D fit into his "plans"?
It's really hard esp early on not to think that everything you do and say will be the "deal breaker". Eventually you get to a point where you truly speak honestly for yourself without the fear that you are doing something "wrong".
As hard as it is, you really do have to live like he's gone for good. The best analogy that worked for me is that the door isn't closed, but I'm not standing there waiting either.
Would you make different choices if he was gone for goo? If so, what would they be?
Do you, or did you see any rebelion bacause of what's happening in the family?
That would be an understatement. Could it have happened regardless of the sitch between H and I ...absolutely. I've never said it was his fault.
Quote:
D16 won't talk to me much about how she feels,
My D17 wouldn't say shite if she had a mouthful. I have one that can really act out and the toher is a quiet one. Both tough, you just learn different skills to (hopefully) help tham each out.
My D's relationship with their Dad vacillates. They will talk with him some, mostly superficial stuff. I am hopeful that their ability to just "hang" with him will help all of them develop something of substance. I just try to keep my nose out of it.
Stop working with him in the business and find a job. Consequences: 1) The Business would likely go under (after 20 years) 2) I would have to discharge 1/2 of a very large business debt 3) I wouldn't get any support from WH if has has no income 4) I will not make enough money to support current lifestyle 5) I would have to sell the house (WH said that I can have it)
It may come to that, I realize that. What I will do is to upgrade my education now just in case the worst happens. I want to be ready.
I guess the above would answer your question about what I would do if he was gone for good
Last edited by Mila; 03/07/1004:56 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thanks Grace for your input. I'm really wondering how WH & D16 will continue their relationship. How can a devoted father that was almost over-involved in daughter's life just suddenly stop. I just don't get it.
Last edited by Mila; 03/07/1004:56 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
So from what I understand you are in some sort of service type business where your WH provides the service and you are the business manager of his services. So the two of you as far as the business is concerned are codependent on each other? This of course overlaps into your M also but WH is cheating. This is making everything very messy.
Bear with me Mila but I am not trying to pry into your life but I need to know enough to try to figure out what to do?
Right this minute from the sounds of everything I think you need to figure out how to protect yourself financially. What else are you doing for you?
Her husband is fighting with everything he can, using members of their large family to talk to her, financial pressure, threatening my WH etc. He has a very different strategy (negotiator by profession) then I do, doesn't go by DB principals. His approach is way to aggressive for my taste, It may just push her away.
It will be interesting to see how she reacts to this. At least it is good that you are communicating with her H I would think.
Originally Posted By: Mila
I'm sorry about your sitch. Have you given up? You said that you are moving out...
Barring a miraculous transformation in my H, yes, I'm done.
