Well...after having it for less than 2 weeks the fish my ex bought for D3 died.
Not that I'm surprised. But it really irks me that she would get her something like that given how much tending to fish need (pH monitoring, water changing, feeding) and how little she likely did.
So she's supposedly gonna buy a new one to replace the one that died...but I think it was a mistake buying one in the first place. None of those people over there use their head when it comes to doing something for or with D3...if it sounds fun they just do it and any problems that come up as a result they just say "oh well".
Tomorrow morning my ex and I have to attend a co-parenting seminar as part of the custody proceedings. That should be fun I tell ya.
I went to my IC today...and the last time I saw him, I received the custody papers later that day...and he was taken aback that she hadnt said anything to me about going after custody....essentially sucker punching me.
I told him that I was upset at first but thats how my ex has done everythign so far...leaving, OM, now custody...so the frustration at her doing it behind my back while playing nice to my face, offering me doughtnuts, etc...isnt as bad.
Anyway...tonight should be relaxing. Tomorrow is something else.
I understand you feel hurt and betrayed but it seems no matter what, you look at everything your ex does as a negative.
Yes, it sucks the fish died but sometimes fish die. My neighbor is a fish freak. He has a gorgeous aquarium and he loves and cares for his fish like crazy. He has had fish die for no reason after a few weeks from time to time and it was not due to neglect. Maybe your ex did neglect the fish but maybe not.
And maybe the co-parenting seminar will be good. You and your ex might learn something that could really help you work together much better. It could turn out to be really helpful. Why not go in to a required seminar with a more positive outlook?
IMO your C should not be making comments about your ex and her motivations if she is not present. He should be helping you develop tools to deal with what comes your way (surprise custody papers). It kind of seems when he makes comments like he does (your ex sucker punching you or telling you your behavior when you stormed over there was understandable) he sort of keeps the negativity going. You or your C can't control what your ex does or does not do. What the both of you can work on is how you react and handle it.
Well I was already upset the night before. My ex and D3 went to a birthday dinner for my ex's grandmother...and that stuck into me as just one more family event I was now excluded from now that all of this has happened.
So I got to the co-parenting class site...and I was already in the mindset of how wrong all this was (not just the class...the whole situation). My ex pulled up next to me...and saw that I was upset so she asked me to come over to her car. I told her basically what was on my mind and as usual it meant nothing.
We went in, sat down, and the class was essentially a couple of videos and two people discussing the impact on children as well as co-parenting strategies. The "business like" approach was emphasized.
They also talked about people starting up one relationship before the last one ended...and that got to me. There were a few other things like different bedtimes, food, schedules, and other R issues that were said that hit home as far as how things have gone down in my own sitch. Every time something like that was mentioned I couldnt help but grumble or agree under my breath.
So by the time it was finally over with I was annoyed to say the least. I tried tlaking to my ex after it was done...asking her to sit down and talk about all this like adults and she refused.
After we each left I tried again to get her to meet me somewhere to reasonably talk about everythign and she said no. I told her I couldnt believe she wanted to go through life with us being enemies, and she said we didnt have to be enemies. She said we could get along for D3.
I asked her why just for D3...n she said somethig about my wanting us to get back together and that we're over and can get along for D3. I said soemthing else and she said we could be friedns but thats is that she doesnt have feelings for me.
I told her that it would be fake...that she wont even try anything and wont let herself be open. So she said forget it all then.
This went on and on through the afternoon and evening, and eventually she went to work and ignored me.
So in this case the mandatory "co-parenting" class, that I have to pay for because my ex filed on me, only made things worse not better.
And I'm pretty sure from here on out things are just gonna keep getting worse.
Case in point: I'm not sure, but I think my ex is receiving WIC benefits that she isnt entitled to due to the combined income of her, her dad, and her dad's g/f in his house. Their income may not matter/count, but I'm not sure. So I told my ex that I read up on the income guidelines and didnt think she qualified anymore and (tounge in cheek) since I know she wouldnt want to be receiving it illegally she might wanna look into it. Then I filed an anonymous report with the state to have it investigated.
Yes...that was mean/spiteful...I was reacting out of my hurt from the night before and her unwillingness to give a little yesterday...though at least I gave my ex fair warning. I'm sure if her dad and his g/f's income doesnt matter, or if she goes down there and tells them of the income changes they'll just stop it and it wont be a big deal.
But if she isnt willing to give me a chance, then I'm not going to allow her poor choices and wrongs to me and D3 to go unpunished. All she had to do was give me another chance and aside from us working things out and being happy, none of this would be necessary.
So in this case the mandatory "co-parenting" class, that I have to pay for because my ex filed on me, only made things worse not better.
And I'm pretty sure from here on out things are just gonna keep getting worse.
Case in point: I'm not sure, but I think my ex is receiving WIC benefits that she isnt entitled to due to the combined income of her, her dad, and her dad's g/f in his house. Their income may not matter/count, but I'm not sure. So I told my ex that I read up on the income guidelines and didnt think she qualified anymore and (tounge in cheek) since I know she wouldnt want to be receiving it illegally she might wanna look into it. Then I filed an anonymous report with the state to have it investigated.
Yes...that was mean/spiteful...I was reacting out of my hurt from the night before and her unwillingness to give a little yesterday...though at least I gave my ex fair warning. I'm sure if her dad and his g/f's income doesnt matter, or if she goes down there and tells them of the income changes they'll just stop it and it wont be a big deal.
But if she isnt willing to give me a chance, then I'm not going to allow her poor choices and wrongs to me and D3 to go unpunished. All she had to do was give me another chance and aside from us working things out and being happy, none of this would be necessary.
It didn't make things worse. YOU made things worse.
Seriously, what is wrong with you? You indulge in pre-meditated meanness and spitefulness and try to find some flimsy excuse for it. And you are "punishing" her for her right to choose NOT to be with you with something entirely un-related in an extremely immature way. Which, by the way, I do not see helping you or D3 in any concrete way at all either.
So, if you are being honest with yourself, what has ANYTHING in your conduct over the last couple of weeks done to convince anyone that you are a human being they might want to be with, much less a man they can depend on? Would your answer help you understand why your ex is indeed now your ex and why she is treating you the way she is?
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
[quote=nsw1222] So, if you are being honest with yourself, what has ANYTHING in your conduct over the last couple of weeks done to convince anyone that you are a human being they might want to be with, much less a man they can depend on? Would your answer help you understand why your ex is indeed now your ex and why she is treating you the way she is?
No, I get it. Like CityGirl said...tit for tat kind of stuff. and yeah, my behavior wouldnt give her any reason to want to come back. but she chose to leave...and I would never be acting like this or doing any of this if she hadnt left.
If you go and whack a dog on the head with a stick...is it truely the dogs fault for biting you?
You really must stop this. Being hurt and angry is one thing. Behaving in a vindictive and reckless way is something different.
Yes, your ex chose to leave. Yes, it is very painful. Yes, it is life altering. The thing you constantly seem to gloss over is the fact you do have a choice on how you react to all of this.
Like the under the table pay/tax issue, the WIC issue has been going on for some time. You were fine with her getting WIC until you needed *something* else to retaliate with. Just like you were fine with her pay/tax situation until you thought you could use it to hurt her like she hurt you.
The one thing you failed to realize is either situation could not only come back to bite you (because you knew about it long before you reported it, resulting in you being equally as guilty) but what it could do to your daughter. Do you really want your daughter to have TWO parents wrapped up in costly and lengthy issues because you decided to be vindictive? If your ex has her WIC taken away your daughter loses out.
All you do is blame. You blame your ex, OM, your ex's dad and now the parenting class. How has that worked out for you thus far.
You act horrible then you become angry when your EX refuses to engage with you. If the tables were turned and you sat in a parenting glass with somebody that mumbled and grumbled under their breath as you said you did, would you be keen on spending additional time with them?
You keep saying this is all for your daughter but I don't believe that. If it was indeed for the sake of your daughter you NEVER would be acting like this. Period.
It is crystal clear why your EX avoids you like the plague. You said yourself just two posts up you behaved in a mean and spiteful manner because you did not get your way. And you even took it a step further by BLAMING your ex for this behavior because she would not "give a little". Maybe at this time she *is* giving all she can. Or, maybe she has zero desire to give you anything. Whatever the case may be you must accept it for what it is. But you don't. Instead you pursue and smother her then BLAME her when she retreats further.
I don't believe this is about saving your R anymore. You simply want and need control. You try and control your ex and when that doesn't work you take extreme and vindictive measures to try and regain control. So far that strategy has almost gotten you arrested, put you square in the middle of a custody battle, pushed your ex further away and now you have resorted to filing complaints about her benefits.
You haven't done any work on you. Not one bit. The teacher at the class told you to treat co-parenting as a business. That as good advice as it removes all the emotional junk and allows you and your ex to focus on the most important job at hand, raising your child.
We all backslide and make mistakes but you go far beyond "the usual" and I find it disturbing. We all hate the justifications a WAS uses but you, as a LBS, seem to do an equally good job at justifying very bad behavior. Nobody has made you do anything. You have chosen to react terribly.
If you go and whack a dog on the head with a stick...is it truely the dogs fault for biting you?
You are not a dog. You're a human being with the faculties to choose how or whether to react to this woman.
With all the women in the world, you are still pining away for this trashy little skank and angry about her middle-age boytoy. You're also indulging in dirty tricks... stooping to her level in other words.
All this has nothing to do with the three year old little girl who depends upon her dad to set an example of high-minded stability. That should be your focus now. Forget about all these others. They matter not.
Peace, CV_95
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
You really must stop this. Being hurt and angry is one thing. Behaving in a vindictive and reckless way is something different.
Yes, your ex chose to leave. Yes, it is very painful. Yes, it is life altering. The thing you constantly seem to gloss over is the fact you do have a choice on how you react to all of this.
I know...I hope I accepted that myself earlier today. See below.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
You act horrible then you become angry when your EX refuses to engage with you. If the tables were turned and you sat in a parenting glass with somebody that mumbled and grumbled under their breath as you said you did, would you be keen on spending additional time with them?
...
It is crystal clear why your EX avoids you like the plague.
Probably not. I guess I'm just having trouble getting over the fact that she's probably gonna be getting away scot-free after what she did to me. It's like someone committing a crime but being set free due to a technicality. In this case the technicality is that if one person wants out of the relationship, its over.
And while I still do have feelings for her, at the same time I still am angry with myself for having ever met her. Had it not been for her I could have met someone else who wouldnt bail on me when times were tough...or I could have gone somewhere and found a great high paying job where I was a great success. Instead I'm stuck here, alone, in a poor job market, with a child who's gonna have a lot of issues to deal with growing up because her mom and dad couldnt work things out.
I was raised with family values...to do unto others...to treat people, women in particular, with respect, to put your child first above all else...to do things around the house for the person you love instead of being a typical man who drinks beer and watches football on the couch all the time...and what did it get me? I was a nice guy...who stuck it out when times got tough...and I still ended up losing. How is that fair...how is that right?
That right there is why I'm acting the way I am now...because everything I came to believe in...that doing the right thing and doing right by people will make you come out on top in the end...got turned upside down when she left.
Originally Posted By: crushed_v95
With all the women in the world, you are still pining away for this trashy little skank and angry about her middle-age boytoy. You're also indulging in dirty tricks... stooping to her level in other words.
Easy there crushed. As much as I'm hurting and hate my ex for what she did, I still have feelings for her(God only knows why). So I know you mean well...but I wouldnt say shes a trashy skank or really want anyone else saying that either. And yeah I am stooping to her level...my parents have brought that up many times when they've begged me to not say anything about the taxes. They dont know anything about the WIC reporting...but I'm sure if I tell them they wont be happy.
Originally Posted By: crushed_v95
All this has nothing to do with the three year old little girl who depends upon her dad to set an example of high-minded stability. That should be your focus now. Forget about all these others. They matter not.
yeah. for about 30 minutes today, after more begging to no avail to try and get my ex to be reasonable so that I wouldnt do something that she'd hate me for, I was dead set on reporting my ex for the under the table tax thing. then I was talking to my friend who's divorced and taking her little girl to a museum today with her ex...and I realized that if I did report my ex, not only would she face major fines and hate me, but D3 might as well some day, and there would never be any peaceful/happy moments where my ex and I could do something like taking D3 to a museum together.
So I told my ex that I had changed my mind, that two wrongs dont make a right, and that if I were to do something that makes her unhappy n gets her in trouble not only would I look like a child but it would set a bad example for D3. I apologized, n I hope thats as far as it goes. However, if she chooses to go to her L about what I said...thinking I meant I was gonna do something illegal (since I didnt actually tell her it was about the tax thing)...and it ends up coming up in court...she and her L may end up reporting herself because if I'm testifying under oath I cant lie about what I know.
