MLC - standing by my man

[Grace_O]

Mila,

I like your boundariesesp going dark when he is with her. Nicely done.

His offer of the key, I have to say, I found funny (in a twisted sort of way).

It is an odd thing to think of them as "friends" when, as you pointed out any other friend that betrayed you in such a way would be gone. However, you define "friend" spouces fall into a bit of a special category there and we all have to find what definition (if any) works for us.

[Mila]

HartsBlessing and Grace thank you so much for your advice and encouragement. It’s so nice to get positive feedback if you are doing something right or advice if you don’t.

My husband knows that I'm talking to OW's husband, he doesn't like it but there isn't anything he can do about it. The other day he said “It’s not fair that you know everything what OW is saying to her Husband and I don’t because you don’t tell me anything what he tells you”. IT’S NOT FAIR ??????? Really

Talking with him yesterday was very revealing as to his state of mind. Here are the details:

While we had our business meeting, he said that he would like to tell me something that may upset me and also he doesn't want OW's husband to know. I said OK if it's necessary.

So he tells me that he is going to see OW - flying out Thursday coming back next Wednesday and he doesn't want OW's husband to know because he is afraid of what he may do, he heard that OW's husband and his family want to confront him. I said that OW's husband already knows that he is coming.

I told WH that I'm not happy about him doing; from business point of view, he will be gone for almost a week again and he was gone for over 2 weeks last month and that there is no way that we can continue running business like this and that he should keep in mind that I will not communicate with him while he is there. He said “but I will work from there”. I told him what all he does when he is there is to return calls and e-mails and everything else is on hold. He said “well either of us has our minds on business these days (Who’s fault is that???). I told him “you are right but it can’t go on like this for long the business is suffering and may not survive this”

He said that he wasn’t planning on going so soon but it’s all OW’s husband fault; if he would just let them be and wasn’t putting so much pressure on OW and confusing her everything would be OK. Here I needed to set some boundaries - I don’t want to be his confidant about his OW troubles.

I said that I’m sorry that he has problems, he should do what he must that he is a “big boy” he is going to have to handle it. I will have to think about what’s in mine and daughter’s best interest. I said that what he does is not my problem anymore, that I let go of him because that’s what he wanted. (Just to tell you this conversation is very calm, no anger or raised voices).

By this time he was crying and he looked so miserable that I had to ask him if he was OK. He said he is not; can’t eat, can’t sleep (he already takes sleeping pills), had to stop on the side of the road because he couldn’t drive he was crying so hard. His memory is failing him, is down to 155 lb (his normal weight is about 170lb). Then he said, "I don't know how much more of this I can take” and that “If it wasn’t for you and daughter I wouldn’t care if I lived”

Those statements really scared me. I (lovingly) told WH that I’m really concerned about him and that he needs to get help NOW, to please go and see a therapist and a doctor. That he can’t go on like this. I also said that he should have a full physical and have his hormone levels checked. He said, “You think my hormones made me fall in love and are causing all of this?” I said that out of balance hormones could cause all kinds of symptoms. I didn’t bring up MLC - he doesn’t like it.

I also told him to look at himself, “Do you like what you see? Has this “love” improved your life, made you a better man, has it made you feel good about yourself and is it making you happy? Look at what this is doing to you, love shouldn’t feel like this, this is toxic, it controls you, it’s more like a fatal attraction, you have been miserable and depressed for months”

He didn’t get angry with me for saying that. When he was leaving he asked me if he can hug me, so we stood there for the longest time and hugged.

Later he called me and said, Sweetie (yes he still calls me that sometimes) I know that you are concerned about me, I just wanted to let you know that I’m not flying out to see OW. My “why not ” slipped out before I could stop it. Then I said sorry you don’t have to tell me. He said, “It’s not only because I’m worried about what OW husband would do, there are other reasons. I said OK, take care of yourself and go and see your therapist please. I hope he will.

So what are the “other reason’s” he is not flying out? OW told him not to. Owl’s husband called last night and said that he received an e-mail from his wife telling him that she has been under to much pressure from everyone and to let her be she needs alone time, that she will think about what she wants over the next week, however she believes that she already knows the answer, but will continue to evaluate it.

I personally think that the affair will continue for a while, I’m ready to wait.

[Mila]

I'm on the alt, find me under Mila

[Golfgirl1]

Mila,
Hang in there. My stbxh looked very sad, depressed and miserable a couple of days ago. His OW controls him like a puppet.

Take care of yourself and move forward. Yes, make some changes in yourself and recognize what you did to contribute to the situation. That said, try not to dwell there too long. I did that and it's not healthy at all. We could all do better, but ultimately this is his journey and the path he's chosen.

[Mila]

Thanks golfgirl, yes you are right it's his journey, but he is hurting so many people in the process including himself it's so hard to watch. I know that I have to think about myself and daughter first, but I think that everyone on this board would agree that it's not easy. Despite it all I do love him and care about him and I'm so worried about him. He is just a shell of the man that he used to be. It's so sad that I can't really help him.

[Grace_O]

It is his journey, but also a chance for you to really look at yourself and do some "soul searching" as it were.

Taking care of yourself and your D is tough esp at 16. I have 2 D's 17 and 15... nothing like teenagers (and all in all mine aren't "tough" cases....well mostly ;-) ).

All of this is very sad. That you can listen to him and that he is actually willing to talk with you, IMO a good thing (except the OW stuff, which you handled well).

[Mila]

Thanks Grace, how are your girls handling it? Do you, or did you see any rebelion bacause of what's happening in the family? I'm sorry I don't know your current situation, I did read a bit of your history. How is their relationship with WH?

These are the worries I have. My D16 had a great relationship with her dad, she had him on such a pedestal, her daddy could not do wrong. And he was a great man and a great role model; responsible, strong values, integrity...And now she sees this broken man, lying to his family, abandoning us, cheating on her mother, not being there for her... what must she be going through?

D16 won't talk to me much about how she feels, she is very careful not to say anything negative about him in front of me (I don't say anything negative about him to her), but I know that she judges him for what he is doing. She was seeing the school councilor when it all happened, hopefully it helped her a bit.

She is a normal teen, does great in school, so no complains there, however some of her "relationship" behavior concerns me. She had a boyfriend for almost a year, great kid. She broke up with him couple of months after her dad's affair came to light and started dating another boy. Now she is spending lots of time with the old boyfriend while dating the new guy. When I asked her about it she said that she loves her old BF but she likes the new guy and that the new guy doesn't have to know. Interesting isn't it? Something she learned from her dad's behavior? Makes you wonder.

[Cadet]

I'm on the alt

Good job. Check it again.

[Cadet]

I said OK, take care of yourself and go and see your therapist please. I hope he will.

IMHO you have told him this. He has heard you. Do not dwell on this anymore. It is controlling and he is probably not going to listen. If you need to communicate this to him again do it in a non verbal way. If you continue to try to tell him you only push him away.

I believe the OW will eventually fizzle out, be patient.

I have a question. Is your WH an integral portion of your business? be very careful with respect to finances and your business.

Overall you seem to really have this together. Keep studing and reading. Knowledge is power.

[Mila]

What a shi*** morning. I need your opinons, did I screw up?

Last night WH calls me and tells me that he went for a full physical and will be having all of his blood work done and that he also talked to his therapist on the phone. Good, he did everything that I suggested the day before. I said that I'm happy because I was worried about him. He said not to worry that he is fine. He sounded much better, not depressed... All I was thinking is that the situation with the OW must have improved.

Sure enough, this morning he calls me and asks to come over that he needs to talk to me. I said that it's not convenient right now that he can tell me on the phone. So he said "I'm leaving tonight and will be back in a week (this after telling me 2 days ago that he is not going anywhere). I kind of lost it and told him, "How do you expect me to stay in business with you, things change from day to day and I don't know what to expect. How can I make appointments for us if I never know when you will be available, or if a client wants to see you do I say sorry, he can't this week he is visiting his mistress?"

I got emotional, of course it's not just business for me, it hurts when he tells me that he is going to see her. And he pretty much has to tell me when he is leaving town, since we are in business together. We both started raising our voices so I wanted to defuse it. I said that I don't want to fight with him. "Do what you must, just keep in mind that I will not talk with you while you are with her. Then I said I'll talk to you in a week, have fun.

After I hung up I felt so bad about how it went. This is so hard.

Then he sends me an email. Here it is:

If I can’t convince you that I work and will work, than you have to just see when it happens before you believe I guess. It’s difficult now... But my resolve to get the business back on track is the same, and we need each other to do that. You feel trapped and so do I. I know the difference for you... I am not disregarding it... And I am not sure if you will be able to work with me to make this happen. I don’t know what the future will bring for me personally.... But I know that I only have one choice regarding the business, and that is get it back. Many business didn’t make it last year... I believe we will get through it ... But I understand if you can’t continue working with me, we will have to go to another plan and I am not sure what that is... I know this business is our best chance to get our finances back in order.

You are hurting... And so am I. you say it’s my choice, but that doesn’t make it less painful...

I am sorry for the pain I bring you...

Another email from him 5 minutes later:

Please don’t tell her husband I am gone and if he will know, don’t tell him when I left... I am just trying to be 100% open about everything with you, that’s the only way you can begin to start trusting me again, but it means I have to tell you things you don’t like... I don’t and will not lie to you... And I know I can trust you. Thank you.


I replied this:

It’s so very sad to see how this “love affair” controls you. You seem to be a slave to it. Unwilling or unable to see the price everyone pays; including you. It has changed who you are, how you think, your values and your principals. It’s more like a toxic obsession or fatal attraction if you will. Destroying everything in it’s path. This is not what love is supposed to be. There is nothing I can do about your choices, unfortunately (Daughter) and I are trapped in the rubble that you are leaving behind.

I will talk to you about business when you get back.

I know that you are no supposed to confront them and that I'm supposed to validate not judge. But I guess I wrote that email to set boundaries by letting him know how I feel?

Did I do wrong? Looking for opinions.....