My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

~bump~

[Gardener]

Hmama, So far, I've just contacted SIL via email, phone and one visit. We've always been very close. From the beginning we "got" each other. I am going to work hard on keeping that one open, though I'm sure its frequency will dwindle with time (and I suspect X will try to poison that one, too, since it's her closest sister). Rest of X's 5 Siblings and Mother are pretty effed up and not involved with each so I've only got one loving SIL (and her H & S)

X's friends are another matter. I've lost quite a number of friends who believe you have to be in one camp or another. Some just suddenly shun you. I try not to take it personally.

Unavoidable loss and collateral damage all around.

[DanceQueen]

Just thought I'd add my ramblings....

I love my ex's family, and it was hard to let them go. I had hoped we could stay close even after the divorce. Ultimately, I ended up drifting away from all of them but one of his sisters. She and I had a great friendship outside of the family relationship, so our friendship has survived. Unfortunately, she lives so far away I rarely see her.

At my daugther's wedding last summer, I saw them all again (and my ex of course) for the first time in probably 6 years. They were all very kind to me (and my new husband) and made me feel like I am still part of the family. I appreciated that a lot.

But at the same time...I was reminded why my ex-husband is who he is, how they do share many of the same traits that I did not admire in him, and how I am now a much happier person without them in my life. I felt bad about this for a long time, about not really missing them in my life even though I loved them so much at one time, and we all went through many life events together. But now I feel about them sort of like I feel about my high school graduating class. We knew each other and were very close and had comraderie for a certain number of years, and we were naive enough to believe our time together would forge ahead into the future (cue the "Grease" song, "We'll Always Be Together"). But in time, of course, you lose touch and don't even know these people anymore. Maybe you are lucky and keep one or two friends for life from that time, but mostly, they are now just people in your past. It hurts for awhile, that you feel you have lost a big family. But then you grow up, and you realize, hey, I probably wouldn't have chosen most of these people as friends as an adult.

It is/was kinda like that with my ex's family. I felt I had lost them, but then realized, I just outgrew them, and its ok...I don't have to feel a loss. I can just remember and cherish the good times we had and the love we all shared, and not feel the loss of them. I still have them, always will. Can't take away my memories or my experiences.

DQ

[Gardener]

DQ,

But now I feel about them sort of like I feel about my high school graduating class. We knew each other and were very close and had comraderie for a certain number of years, and we were naive enough to believe our time together would forge ahead into the future (cue the "Grease" song, "We'll Always Be Together"). But in time, of course, you lose touch...

The perfect analogy!
I love it.

[ClingingToHope]

I just hope to be in as good a place as Dancing Queen in six years.

In six years D11 will be in her senior year of high school and D7 will be a freshman. So I'll be in the middle of teen angst and worrying about how to finance college.

W's family isn't very large and they all have issues. My failure was not remaining neutral and becoming essentially the man of their family as well.

I think that's what W wanted and was one of my big failings. I apologized for that last March and we had a two-week breakthrough that really gave me hope.

When I see the MIL she always gives me a big smile. I don't know what that means. W told me a long time ago that MIL is my biggest booster.

Deep down in "my never give up" place I believe that means some day W will wake up.

But that may be so long from now and she may just keep it to herself because she wouldn't want to admit she's wrong that it won't matter.

I was always cold towards them because of their issues. I'd look around at other extended families and they just seemed much more stable and fun and supportive.

W's family always had some disaster or wayward member that needed bailing out. I felt like they sucked the life out of W.

Finally, in March, I realized that when I married W, I married her family and, like it or not, I owed them my best.

So I was finally ready, but it turned out to be too late.

So now I've seen her little sister once in 10 months -- Christmas -- and her mom five times.

Now they just have each other.

[hoosiermama]

thanks, everyone.

you have all helped me to reframe this in a far less "grieving" way. most of what you have said has occurred to me--but not all at once, and not coming from objectivity, as you have provided.

ALL that I ever had in common with his family was...family. They were not folks I'd have sought out to be friends with; one SIL just kind of negative and whiny (altho she had both parents, a very good marriage, 3 healthy kids and a million dollar home). We could always chat--but only about our kids. The other SIL was pleasant and as a physician, we had some things in common--but she grew up very wealthy and I certainly did not so we had little life experience that was similar at all. The BIL's were the strong, silent type--and very very...ummm, Republican. Wealthy, self-made, and quite unwilling to share resources I'd have spread around under the circumstances. In fact one of them once said something downright cruel and I got up and left the table because it was very pointed at our lack of wealth. Those two families had much in common, but far less so with us.

And the parent-in-law--wow, they're real pieces of work. Relatively normal when I met them 20 years ago, but increasingly emotionally immature and negative; many family gatherings got unpleasant because of FIL's sense of entitlement and underlying anger at life. MIL is probably fairly intellectually limited; wonderful with the grands when they were little, but could never see them as any older than kindergarten age--even as adults. And for the past 10 years at least, all we could discuss was my work schedule (she never seemed to remember that I no longer worked night shift--10 years later) and her latest foray to WalMart. Nice, kind lady, but tremendously anxiety ridden and with a world that never really extended beyond her front door.

I do really miss my nieces and nephews, and apparently some of them miss me too. Perhaps those relationships can come back around as they get older.

I'm feeling much less of a need to be "heard" (and I wouldn't necessarily be heard anyway), and far more like--as DQ put it so wisely--they're part of my past, we shared some wonderful things but those days are past.

I'm in a much better space right now, thanks to your wisdom--I appreciate you all!

[hoosiermama]

D14's 8th grade graduation is coming up on June 1. It will be a ~2 hour Mass (with awards, etc.) followed by a dinner for parents and/or parents' significant others. I've been dreading this for months; I will be facing all my demons at once. xH, OW, xH's family (who aren't in contact), and parish/school staff (many of whom aren't speaking to me either--I used to work there and was sabotaged and malicious-rumored out of my ministry position). I'm inviting her godparents (one is a priest, who will likely concelebrate the mass, which will be very cool for D14), my in-town cousin, and perhaps a friend or two.

I was thinking--since D14 has had a really awful past 2 years at school with lots of bullying and even a teacher who intentionally excluded her from activities, it might be best to skip the dinner (I just cannot imagine how awkward it would be for everyone to sit at a table with xH and OW) and let her aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins take D14 out to celebrate. She and I can celebrate a day earlier or later. xH seems agreeable to this--well, as usual all I got was "ok"--and it would save me, D14, and lots of other people a lot of stress. I haven't felt welcome at the parish in 2 years, so the dinner would be a stomach-in-knots affair even without xH and OW.

Interesting twist--my very good friend from Texas will be visiting during that time. I initially invited him to graduation, then thought better of it because--well, how awkward would that be?! I won't be at my best, by any means. He offered to "make himself scarce for a couple of hours" and we can meet up after graduation (and he can help me put myself back together, likely).

I sure hope that by the time high school graduation rolls around things will be less awkward and painful; I really anticipated things being different 2 years out, but it's still very uncomfortable. But I'm thinking I've probably got a decent plan worked out here. Not martyring at all about not joining the group for dinner celebration, because we'll have our own--and she loves her family and deserves to celebrate with them with a minimum of stress on her special day. She won't like it if OW is there, but her presence will be diluted by cousins and family so it will be ok.

[hoosiermama]

~^~

[ClingingToHope]

If you aren't up to it, then don't do it.

[hoosiermama]

now my co-workers are talking about attending graduation and rockin' it! doubt it will happen, but the thought of my rowdy, Missionary Baptist, gregarious work buds at a staid, reserved, long Catholic Mass is cracking me up!!