My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

thanks, all. (oh, keep 'em coming!)

figgy--the thing is, I don't know what I want to do. Some days I just want to fuhgettaboutit, other days I know I want to say good bye, and almost always I find myself composing something in my head. I've been waiting to feel more definite one way or the other. And since the 2-year mark is coming up, I don't want to let it get away from me.

gardener--there's some real wisdom and practical advice there--thanks. Yes, I was thinking of writing all of them. MIL and FIL are very limited in their insight and wisdom, and increasingly so with age. (and I'd have to type it, print it, and mail it for them to be able to read). xH's brothers and their wives are (usually) much more reasonable and sane. I was much closer to them than to MIL and FIL. posting it here and waiting 48 hours is an excellent idea.

btw--in the first week after the bomb, xH was certain I could still be part of family activities! clearly that wasn't going to happen--it was one of those things they tell themselves to make it ok.

[BeingMe]

I agree with Gardener, Hmama. Take it slow with the letter. Mull it over. I don't see anything, however, wrong with contacting those you were close to, i.e. sisters-in-law, etc.

My brother-in-law is in a similar situation. He has no family there (he lives very far away from any of us). So, as the process of the D continues, he tries to keep things calm. If he is invited to family events, he goes. Fortunately, his D has proceeded very well, as much as a D can. Lots of mediation, children in counselling, etc. It was his W who left, but there doesn't appear to be an OM. I think the loss of extended family is a common thing. It probably hits the kids too. But, he and my H are victims of D, so I guess they have experience.

[Gardener]

hm,

Yes, I was thinking of writing all of them. MIL and FIL are very limited in their insight and wisdom, and increasingly so with age. (and I'd have to type it, print it, and mail it for them to be able to read). xH's brothers and their wives are (usually) much more reasonable and sane. I was much closer to them than to MIL and FIL.

Great. Makes a lot of sense. In-laws usually fade away eventually. Sound like you've got some good ones. Don't let them.

btw--in the first week after the bomb, xH was certain I could still be part of family activities! clearly that wasn't going to happen--it was one of those things they tell themselves to make it ok.

It is one of those things they do.

[hoosiermama]

I'm also a child of divorce (altho my dad actually died before the divorce was filed--they were separated for over a year when he died). and that's why I don't know my relatives. none of my dad's family lived near us, and altho he was the oldest of 12 (!) I think there was some conflict with my mother somewhere along the line. I don't want this to happen to my daughter--which is why I was VERY clear that I want them to continue to include her even if they don't communicate with me.

[hoosiermama]

well, I'm not so sure how good they are. I truly expected them to support the marriage--I'd known them for a long time. And they didn't at all, except my oldest niece (who's an adult, an attorney). and she's kind of faded away too. Of course, I have no way of knowing what he told them about me and about our marriage, so they could well be operating under false pretenses. If they fade away, that's one thing, but the "cut-off" is a far more dysfunctional action (according to family systems theory).

[hoosiermama]

I sorta brought this up with D14 last evening; she rolled her eyes and said something sarcastic (but very accurate!) about Italian men. But she had a very good idea--just write notes to the women in the family (all of whom married into it). She went on about how various people told her they missed me at Thanksgiving (which she didn't tell me before), including my youngest nephew (age 11) who REALLY misses me. And she said she wasn't going to attend any more family functions is OW was going to be there.

Just to be clear--I wasn't asking for her advice or support, but I knew it might affect her if I do this. Perhaps I should have waited until after I sent the notes...

[ClingingToHope]

I got an email from my BIL's father seeing how I was doing. That was a few months ago. The BIL lives in Seattle. March 2009, after we had a breakthrough that lasted for two weeks, I was actually pricing motor homes. We were going to rent one this summer, take two weeks off together, and drive across the country.

I bet she's forgotten that.

I doubt I'll ever see W's older sister and that BIL again. They don't come back much and her older sister and I never got along. She has W's depression issues without W's sweetness. Her husband is a saint.

I'm sure I'll continue to see the MIL occasionally because of the girls. I've made peace with her so if we stopped seeing each other, I'm OK with how it ended.

I've toyed with sending the younger sister a letter saying I'm glad she got her life in order. There's no hard feelings there either. Sure, W is using her family to fill her social void and as babysitters since I'm not there.

But it isn't their fault. If she were happy with me we wouldn't be in this situation.

In general, W's family is pretty screwed up. I've never been able to figure them out. I just pray the girls don't end up with their issues.

[hoosiermama]

if we stopped seeing each other, I'm OK with how it ended.

yeah--that's what I'm aiming at. being OK with how it ended. and right now I'm not. and I think that even if I get no response back of any kind, just having an opportunity to communicate and not just disappear off the planet to them would be healing for me.

I understand about not wanting my D to have the heritage of all these family issues. She feels quite separate from them and has for awhile because xH's brothers are considerably more affluent than we are, and their activities are quite different as a result. Funny--xH believes he's gotten away from the dysfunctional heritage of his father, but he's actually the brother who is most like him--immature, narcissisitic and unable to see much further than his own nose.

[hoosiermama]

anyone else? how did you come to closure with in-laws when you never wanted to divorce them too?

[bright_new_day]

My X divorced his parents numerous times during the course of our marriage. His mom is very bipolar and it went undiagnosed for years. He would cut off contact with them over what he perceived as their control issues. (Hello pot, this is the kettle!) They would call and I wouldn't dare answer the phone for fear of pissing him off. After we were separated (and he hadn't been in contact with them for over a year at that point) his mom tracked my mom down to see if we were okay. My mom told her that X was no longer living with us. My mom passed this on to me and my oldest daughter, who was about 19 at the time, ended up contacting her grandparents. From what I have been told X contacted them shortly thereafter to tell them his side of the story, because he didn't want to look like the bad guy. I'm not sure how he spun it with them. I hadn't spoken to them in quite some time and didn't have their contact info. I now have an address for them because D22 got it for her graduation announcement last year. I debated sending them a Christmas card last year. I didn't do it. I also debated sending them a letter. But we were never close, so I am not sure what to say. Primarily I want to apologize for not being strong enough to stand up against my X all the times he was shutting them out, so they could have developed more of a relationship with the kids. They have never even met the younger two kids, although apparently they do talk on the phone. I guess X still doesn't have much of a relationship with them. On their birthdays he will dial the phone and hand it to one of the kids to wish them a happy birthday. I don't think he really talks to them. In hindsight I should have seen what X was capable of based on how he treated his own family.