I have to think about this. We are on our own (business) sever and my WH can see all activity and e-mail addresses. Don't know, have to give it some thought...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I have a question. Since he moved out all parenting is up to me. He doesn't offer to help with daughter, driving her to school, lessons, work etc. That makes it more difficult for me to schedule any "fun" free time for myself, because it seams that I'm always on call to drive her somewhere. So far I didn't ask him for any help with that. Should I? Or should I just let him be. I'm kind of confused because the advice for MLC said not to make any demands.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila-I was doing the same thing, all of the parenting and had mentioned to my H that I had wished he was there when I took S14 for ADD testing as they wanted to prescribe a med and I wasn't sure and he said "I sure coulda been there". My DB coach said to tell him when the next appt is for S14 so that he can be there...I made out a calendar for March for H with all the kids functions, school breaks, etc. So, I don't have to talk to him to remind him of things, it is up to him to look at the calendar. I haven't talked to him since I made it for him so not sure what he thought about it.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
confusedwife, the calendar is a good idea, I hope it helps your WH to be more involved in your kids lives, let me know how it works.
I wish mine would actually unload some of the stuff I have to do not to just be there when I'm already there... It's different to say "daughter and I will be doing something you are welcome to come" or to say "could you do this for your daughter".
Before he moved out I actually talked to him about how much is on my shoulders (work, shopping, cleaning, cooking, all household chores, taxiing daughter around, participating in her activities, all bills for the household.....) all he does is his job and he tells me "we all have our roles"
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Don't get me wrong he wasn't always like that, he was a very hands-on dad, very involved and a great husband, helped around a lot. He stared to withdraw from our family life only in the last year (MLC)
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Hopefully someone will weigh in here for you! It just seems like when it comes to the kids, it is ok to communicate...maybe not "demand" but ask for help???
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
You're going to have to deal with it. Your D is 16, she is capable of staying home while you go out for dinner or a movie.
IF you demand...you are going to get upset for them not..ahem...listening to you i.e. doing what you told them to do, and they are going to run further away from you.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks guys for your advice. I'm thinking that I may try to ask him for help only if I'm really desperate and if he disappoints me at least I will know not to do that again.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Business meeting with WH was very interesting today.
Couple of weeks ago we had a big discussion about our ability to continue running the business together. He left town to see OW without telling me that he was going or when he was coming back. I wasn't sure if he was even coming back. He was gone for over two weeks. I told him that I feel that I can't trust him and that I don't know what he will do next. That I have been looking for a job. What if he decides to move 1000 miles away to be with OW?
He started to cry and said that he is very upset that I don't trust him (seriously?) that I should know him that he would never abandon us or the business. If I don't trust him personally, I could 100% trust him as a business partner. He will work very hard, business will improve. "Please trust me, work with me, we need each other, I will not move away" he pleaded.
So after a long discussion I agreed to stay in business with him. I was thinking that maybe it's a good thing, It would keep us in touch and talking (we always worked great together) and I will have a chance to DB.
Few days ago OW husband called and asked me if I know that WH is doing work for OW company? NO I didn't. So today I asked him about it. Sure enough he is. Said that she is not paying him anything for it; he is doing it for free. Well I'm not so sure, maybe she is paying him cash that's how he finances his trips to see her? He swears that that's not the case.
I told him that I'm really upset about him not telling me about it, he did it behind my back using company time and resources. He said that's why he didn't tell me because he knew that I would be upset. He actually said that he is sorry that he should have told me.
And then he said that he is upset with me for talking to OW husband. That the husband uses everything that I tell him as ammunition to convince his wife to come back.
I the last call I've read OWH a Mother's day card my WH gave me while already having the affair.
"Sweetie, You are an amazing mom! I love you more then anything else in the world. You are loving, kind, compassionate, caring, devoted, dedicated, adoring - the best!!! (Daughter) has the best mom she could ask for and I have the best wife I could wish for".
So OW obviously was upset about it. From how my WH was acting it looks like the OW is not convinced who she wants.
I told him that I'm sorry that he is upset at me for talking to OW husband that we just talk to each other for support.
Then WH said that he is upset because he would like to talk to me about "things" that are on his mind but doesn't because he doesn't want me to tell the husband. I told him that I would never tell anything to anyone if he ask's me not to and that I'm here anytime he needs to talk. He started to cry and said "I don't have anyone else to tell things, thank you".
I find this intriguing any comments?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Personally, I think there is a line between being empathetic towards a wandering spouse, and having a conversation about how YOUR actions have hindered his relationship with his adulterous mistress.
Jeez, doesn't a line have to be drawn somewhere?
I would also be careful about speaking in absolutes, like "always" and "never". It's quite shocking sometimes what we find ourselves willing or unwilling to do in the midst of this marital mess. And trust me, if you said you would ALWAYS do or be something, then one day your aren't or don't, bet your husband will be SURE to point it out.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
