My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

thank you!

[figgeroni]

praying for you and your job success...I may be looking for a new job again too

it is a leap of faith

we have to remember the leaping part!!! We can't just scoot to the end and look over

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jump!!!!!

[hoosiermama]

absolutely, figgy!

I talked with my research nurse friend at our daughters' volleyball game tonite; she had given me some stuff to read about research, and I was thinking--wow! this is gonna be some steep learning curve for sure. but she said she forgot to mention there's an 8-12 week training period, and I wouldn't be expected to jump in and just start. what a relief!! my last 2 positions I jumped in and made my own way--and I forgot it isn't always like that.

[hoosiermama]

*update*
got a call on my way to work--the woman with whom I'm supposed to interview had a death in the family and won't be in this week. they'll call me next week to reschedule. it's okay.

so here I sit, dressed up and looking quite professional, good hair day, with my eyebrows threaded and my hair freshly retouched. ah, well. all dressed up and nowhere to go!

[NoCodeBlues]

Good practice run then.

How about taking yourself out to some place with people like Starbucks? Treat yourself and enjoy the day.

[hoosiermama]

Good practice run then.

How about taking yourself out to some place with people like Starbucks? Treat yourself and enjoy the day.

as much as I'd love to do that, I gotta work! trying to dodge bodily fluids in my nice outfit...the interview was scheduled for the end of the workday.

but yes, you're right--good practice run.

[hoosiermama]

I'd like some advice or shared experience about this.

For the past year and a half or so, I have periodically considered writing letters to my former in-laws, partly as closure, partly to give them "the other side of the story." I wouldn't expect any change in their behavior, but it would hopefully help toward that closure thing, as well as perhaps feeling heard and a little less victimized. But I've never actually sat down to write, and I'm kinda tired of mulling it over and want to come to a decision.

Here's the deal, for those who haven't been following along:
I have no family; I was an only child, both parents long gone, no extended family in contact for 30+ years. xH's family was my only family, and we were part of each others' lives for over 15 years; I have nieces and nephews I've known for their whole lives. When xH first dropped the bomb, I contacted the brother he's closest to, whose wife is an psychiatrist; initially they were very supportive, willing to "talk some sense" into him. But once he called them, they suddenly asked me not to contact them again. And I haven't, except to ask that they continue to include D14 in family activities as always (which they've done, altho the family gets together less often now). I"ve heard nothing from the other brother; got a birthday email from his wife a year ago saying they hadn't been in contact "because they didn't want to take sides." (I had not talked with them since before the bomb.) Nothing at all from his parents, except that his mom sends greetings thru my daughter after holiday gatherings. OW joined the family dinner on Thanksgiving; according to D14 (altho I didn't ask) only 1 SIL actually talked much with her--the one who knew her 28 years ago and who had a similar profession. Grandpa spent the day in a different room from her rather than sleeping in front of the TV as he has always done. That's about all I know about their interaction; I'm not sure why xH and OW have not married at this point, since he left to be with her almost 2 years ago.

I'm alternately angry and hurt about having been cut off by the family. My note would not be angry in tone, just briefly stating that I was totally against the divorce, did what I could to keep my family together, and grieve the loss of my family (including former in-laws), and offering to remain in touch with anyone who felt comfortable doing so. I don't intend to trash my xH--this is an Italian family, after all, and blood is waaaaay thicker than anything else. I do intend, however, to be open about being blindsided and being aware that OW was the impetus behind the split--because that is the truth. This was far less MLC than an exit affair. I have no idea what he has told them, but it's doubtful that it's the same truth I"ve been living. And while I may not have been the perfect wife for whatever reason, my family was the most important thing in the world to me and I would have given anything to work on the marriage rather than splitting so suddenly.

so--what has your experience been in dealing with former in-laws? I would say that the fact that I have no other family sorta complicates my feelings about this, but the fact remains that they have cut off contact without any communication at all--and that's not healthy for them, or for me, or for D14. Any advice or experience you'd share would be most welcome! Thanks.

[kat727]

I haven't spoken to my former in laws in two years. His Mom and I got into our first ever argument right around Easter. She was furious at her son but so afraid that they wouldn't get to see him if they said anything. Not a very stable family anyhow and I can see how their adopted only child could get away with murder.

So I haven't called except when I apologized. she wouldn't talk to me so I told my then FIL. Either he never told her or she didn't believe him. In the situation I am better off. She knew I was always there for them but they chose not to be there for me on more than one occasion.

So that book is closed and I am on to new adventures. Just my short story.

kat

[figgeroni]

At this point HM...I would suggest to do whatever itis YOU want to do. If writing a letter would make you feel a sense of closure then do it...you have nothing to lose and in the end if that is the only thing you have gained...that is better than before.

I would be careful to enter it with no expectations...

I did write a letter to my former mother in law who was very in touch with the fact that her son is a sociopath (diagnosed by the way...and she fully knew)

I remained in contact with them for a bit but the situation became too awkward for me and confusing for my children since he was their step-dad, albeit the only dad they had really known...

it was painful and awkward and I dreaded running into him and...in the end...they were not my family...there were too many lies and things overlooked or looked past. I have random contact with his sister and brother and their respective spouses but more in passing and nothing deep.


if you would not feel rejected if they did not reach out to you then I say go for it...if you would then I would reconsider

[Gardener]

hm,
Lost in-laws and family. Of the many collateral damages in a D, this is one of the most painful. And given your background, it hurts and isolates you all the more.

When you say you've

considered writing letters to my former in-laws

do you mean all of them, or just FIL & MIL?

My suggestions would be:

- Write it, to MIL & FIL only.
- Pen and paper and snail mail. No email.
- Keep it as short as possible.
- Post it here before you send it. You'll get great feedback & editing.

After you're done writing your final version, apply the 48-hour rule and just put it away for two days. Then reread it.

If:
- You still think it's a good idea.
- It says exactly what you want to say to them.
- It has a chance of accomplishing what you want it to accomplish.

Then mail it.