Dude this sh*t does really suck but YOU need to take a step back and realize that YOU are not the problem. You need to stop letting this stuff get to you. I know it is hard - I do but really you need to distance yourself from this garbage. Remember YOU are in control of your reaction to things. So here is my advice...instead of focusing on the anger and fustration..ask yourself what can you learn from this. One thought I have is that you should now know how to deal with these type of text messages, which is ignore them and delete them. Take back your POWER dude - take back the control over YOUR emotions. She does not control you man - you control you - cause you are a fu*king ex ranger - you are the f*cking MAN! Now take back your POWER. This rollercoaster will be over when YOU say it is over.
Go enjoy your kids and let her reap the results of her actions.
God Bless, Eric
oh...you know how to reach me when you feel this way buddy. Anytime...day or night...I'm here.
Hey Eric, my main problem is I sorta want justice right now. I want her to be reaping and feeling the affects of what she has done RIGHT NOW!. Lol it is lame. But it is how I feel. I know God works on his own time and I am starting to realize that my W whoever she has become isn't that great of a person. I honestly think that she is biding time for the divorce till she can move in with now OM2 or is just waiting till her lease is up at her friends apartment(yeah she signed a lease to sleep on a couch.) I'm trying to not let what she does affect me and in a perfect world I would be ignoring her completely. NC is working with becoming un-attached. She is the one that contacts me and I usually keep it short when she does so. When the whole text message thing went down, I told her about it, it really did piss me off. I told her that if she ever calls me from someone elses phone to delete my number. She said that what OM did wasn't like him that he is a nice guy, I pretty much scoffed. I told her that she doesn't know him and that I shouldn't have to deal with someone texting me and treating me like I'm a messanger boy. I've let it go. From now on I'm not going to get sucked into it. I'm just going to delete or not answer calls from people I do not know. It just sucks that I'm now in this world where I'm going to have to deal with someone that probably thinks they have the right to do whatever they want because they are involved in my kids lives and my WAS's life. I'm driving the effe on. I am not going to let this bring me down any more. I know that I can control what I do and I'm going to do that. I just have to become more cognizant of my emotions. Protecting my children is the most important thing, I will be careful who I introduce them to and make sure that whoever does come into their lives they will not hurt by them.
All in all, the feeling of loneliness isn't going away. Even being around family and friends, loneliness is the one thing that I cannot shake. I know my friends can see it on my face and it sucks. I'm trying to let it go or move on from this feeling but that is the one that I am having a hard time with. I really miss getting to be affectionate with another person. Just to the point of getting to walk with them and hold their hand. Anger, sadness, grief not really feeling these. Anger does come but I usually get rid of it quickly or if I cannot I go out and beat the [censored] out of my heavy bag. I don't want to interalize anger, I do not want to become bitter about this and I certianly dont want to be damaged to the point where I can no longer trust or develope abandonment issues.
Sorry this is long winded but it has been a while since I really said anything about how I am feeling, I haven't ranted and it felt good to do so. You guys are a lot of help, I just wish I knew where I was going in this sitch. I don't really see any hope of reconciliation, but that might be because I don't want it.
Aces...
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
You say that you are letting go of the anger but this....
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I sorta want justice right now. I want her to be reaping and feeling the affects of what she has done RIGHT NOW!.
is the anger that is NORMAL dude. It looks like you are letting it go. The key IMO is to try and avoid cycling.. I think the anger will come and go for some time. Just remember that you can control when you finally release it. You will release it when you feel ready to do so.
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I'm trying to not let what she does affect me and in a perfect world I would be ignoring her completely.
Dude I know how hard this one is....Personally, I find that I need to remind myself that her actions are hers. I've said this to you before, you need to cut yourself a little slack dude. Once you get to a point of true detachment and acceptance that NOTHING you do will generate the result that RIGHT now you want..you will begin to distance yourself from this and then begin the process of piecing together the LIFE that YOU want. The life that YOU will control on YOUR terms.
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I told her that she doesn't know him and that I shouldn't have to deal with someone texting me and treating me like I'm a messanger boy
So you've laid down a boundary - good. Now you need to stick to it. Next call that comes over that you do not recognize - don't answer.
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All in all, the feeling of loneliness isn't going away.
Yep - Let me ask you a question.....What was YOUR LIFE like BEFORE you were M? What did you do to combat these feelings? Have you consider doing these things again.
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I don't really see any hope of reconciliation, but that might be because I don't want it.
Hope is not based on anything you see, hear or feel - remember that. The feeling of not wanting it is the pain of rejection taht you are probably going thru right now. Just remember one key thing dude - YOU control your life. You do. You decide when you are done - only you.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Yep - Let me ask you a question.....What was YOUR LIFE like BEFORE you were M? What did you do to combat these feelings? Have you consider doing these things again.
I didn't have those feeling before I was married. I was either to busy or just didn't care, i got married at 21, i honestly cant tell you if I felt lonely, I was surrounded by people that had a common interest, I was in the army and didn't give a [censored] about anything, other than what I was doing that day, where we were going to go drink that night, and if my weapon was functioning properly. I know there are codependency issues and that is what I have to deal with. Some how I'll figure out what it is that defines me and I know I lost that by sacrificing the things that I loved to be with her. I'm gaining my confidence in my artwork and going back to school will help me gain more. Getting into school is my goal.
It just sucks to see her and know that for some reason this new guy is giving her something that I didn't have the chance to give her. It pisses me off that she is so willing to give up on me but I never gave up on her through her issues. It is crap man. There are so many things I want to say out of anger but I don't. I am setting boundries finnally and I need to set more. I dont' like the situation that I'm in because she is coming over every morning to watch our kids for a short amount of time before my D goes to school and then she takes my S to the day care she works at. I don't like her coming over every morning and I wish I could work it out to where she didn't have to, but with work this is the only way it will work out and I'm not going to have my children stay with her sleeping on the floor. It sucks that she really seems happier with out me and I wish I knew why. It is bad but in my heart of hearts I want her to be miserable(i know i know I cannot control this and I know it is far from detaching or forgiving). I'm venting. I know I can only control myself, what I really need is to stop wanting, do I really need to want. Wants and needs are so different, a need you cannot survive with out a want is something I desire and shouldn't in turn ask for because I do not need it.
I dunno, i'm bleh right now. Mainly because I just don't feel as though I deserve this. I felt as though for 7 years I poured my heart and soul into our M and for her to give up is lame, it comes down to her being bored with me and not having the will to help me like I helped her. For someone who not even a year ago wanted to re-new our vows to change her mind is what boggles my mind. It makes no sense, it just doesn't. She says she isn't influenced by the people around her but I feel as though it is a lie.
blah blah blah blah. I'm tired of hearing myself like this. lol It is driving me nuts. I just don't how to step out of this circle I'm going around and think of other things. Its like my brain will not shut off. Every moment I have to myself I am thinking about the crap she has put me through and the fact that she says she doesn't like to hurt me but yet she still does.
Sorry again just venting.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
blah blah blah blah. I'm tired of hearing myself like this. lol It is driving me nuts. .... Sorry again just venting.
Better to vent here that at someone! I know what you mean - when I got M I was feeling differently and much fewer life problems. But, then i remind myself that I was still a "child" then - now I have kids.
My W has done a number on me, but I have to her, too. Do you think it is fair to say that in the first few years of M you also effected your W in some hard ways? Of course, an affair changes everything for you. It must be a hard time, but when you were in the military you (I presume) were taught about hard times. Consider this the most emotional but important challenge you have. Choose a direction and keep working at it.
Reading over my posts I realize I have no selfworth. Man that is a hole that I don't want to be in. How could I have let someone do this to me? Or better how could I have let myself dig my own grave? I need to find a way out by myself and I'm not sure I am ready to do that. I am scared...
I feel as though I have no helping hand, no way to see or seek out happiness. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to be here any more. I will find my way, I will be happy, I will be strong, I will not let her actions determine my behavior, I will not let what she is doing affect my ability to live. I will be strong I will be strong I will be strong. God help me.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
blah blah blah blah. I'm tired of hearing myself like this. lol It is driving me nuts. .... Sorry again just venting.
Better to vent here that at someone! I know what you mean - when I got M I was feeling differently and much fewer life problems. But, then i remind myself that I was still a "child" then - now I have kids.
My W has done a number on me, but I have to her, too. Do you think it is fair to say that in the first few years of M you also effected your W in some hard ways? Of course, an affair changes everything for you. It must be a hard time, but when you were in the military you (I presume) were taught about hard times. Consider this the most emotional but important challenge you have. Choose a direction and keep working at it.
OTMT
Yes I'm sure me leaving overseas affected her in a hard way. Not knowing if I was going to come home. Or even being home and just training, wondering if I was going to die in an accident. This is a challenge but how do I stop from just giving up on myself? I am being hard on myself I know but right now I am just so fed up with the emotions that I have that I want to give up. I want to run away and unfortunately I want to run from everything Everything. Never have I been destroyed like this before. I know that I need to be broken down to be rebuilt, that I need to work on myself in order to become the man that I need to be but shhit I feel as though I am taking on more than I can handle.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
I totally get the desire to run away. Your W may have noticed this, too without realizing that she is part of the reason you feel that way.
Has your IC suggested a way to balance your feelings (reality vs self-blame?) You're going through a lot of tough emotions so your feelings are quite natural - getting down on yourself or giving up to avoid pain might not be helpful.
Good luck, man. Get through today and make it the happiest you can honestly do. There's an Islamic belief that God never gives a trial to someone greater than they can bear. Think about it this way...if you are going through this trial or 'punishment' for past sins, you CAN bear it. You ARE strong enough.
I totally get the desire to run away. Your W may have noticed this, too without realizing that she is part of the reason you feel that way.
Has your IC suggested a way to balance your feelings (reality vs self-blame?) You're going through a lot of tough emotions so your feelings are quite natural - getting down on yourself or giving up to avoid pain might not be helpful.
Good luck, man. Get through today and make it the happiest you can honestly do. There's an Islamic belief that God never gives a trial to someone greater than they can bear. Think about it this way...if you are going through this trial or 'punishment' for past sins, you CAN bear it. You ARE strong enough.
I don't think she has noticed, I tend to play it calm whenever she is around and I don't talk to her about anything other than the kids(if she asks about them) or mundane things. Those feelings of running away are just that feelings and I can choose not to feel them, it has just been overwhelming to the point that I can't stop right now.
I haven't been to IC in two weeks, but when I make my next appointment I will ask her.
I know God will not give me more than I can bare but damn he is laying it on pretty heavy right now.
thanks OTMT
Aces
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Those feelings of running away are just that feelings and I can choose not to feel them, it has just been overwhelming to the point that I can't stop right now.
Hey Aces, umm... I'm gonna get girlie and talk 'feelings' on you here... sorry but I wanted to share this. Be careful about trying to stuff or 'think' feelings away. I tried to do that in my marriage for years - trust me - it doesn't work. I found, and my IC agrees, that trying to think them away tends to just make them come at you with a vengance. Ironically, I think the best thing to do if you want them to go away is to simply notice them. Feelings exist for a purpose; they're trying to tell you something - maybe not something literal, but there's likely a message there. Write about them. Just let them be there, take a moment to be still and quiet, and observe them. See what comes to your mind when you 'confront' them like that.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
PG, talking 'feelings' isn't something I shy away from. I don't want to supress my feelings at all, I just know that I can choose to be sad or happy. I do recognize them and I have been facing them head on. Just lately I want to run, and fast. I will take your advice and sit down and just write, if anything it may help me to see things i'm not seeing about myself.
My situation however isn't getting better. My w threatened me last night by saying that she is going to move to her home town(which is two hours away) and that the kids will be going with her. I asked what makes her think that the kids will go with her, which her reply was Colorado is a Pro mother state so unless you can prove that I'm an unfit mother they will be with me. Well Colorado isn't, it is a 50/50 state and seeing as how my kids have been with me since we split up, that she made the choice to leave, I am not to afraid of her taking my kids from me. When this all started she said that she will stay close to where I live and that we will have 50/50, man how time changes things. I am going to be talking to a lawyer today to see what my rights are. I will fight for my kids and I think she knows that I will. I'm not willing to move from my job which is decent right now. What I am afraid of is that she is going to go into the court and lie her ass off so that she can take my kids and then I will become a true part-time parent. I have no desire to keep them from her I dont see why she would do the same to me.
Any advice about lawyers? I cannot afford to have a lawyer in the court room with me but can I talk to one for a small fee or for free?
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
