Thank you Flowmom for the bumps. Maybe few others are commenting because there is no good answer for my question, or maybe the advice I've gotten already covers it.
Gardener: I need to pull the DR book back out and re-read it again. When I started to suspect W of going through my things, I started keeping my copy away from the home.
I admit, 1 month for each year of marriage now sounds daunting. That would be 32 months, and I would have a little over two years ago. When I started here, I would've said that I would wait forever, but now something has changed. Part of it is that I feel like, in many ways, I've been waiting on my W for much of the past 17 years.
A good friend said something to me in a text message that has me thinking more. He said that pushing the divorce doesn't mean that I'm done. I'm of course worried that it is not going to serve my DB efforts. I'm not pursuing, and I've gained some serious detachment at this point. But I believe in marriage, and I don't want to quit too soon. On the other hand, early on both Puppy and Sandi recommended that I file for D first. I've been hoping they might show up again to comment.
Right now, I think you are right, if I'm unsure then don't push it. For all I know, the D might be moving along anyway. I have to watch over my kids ( and W) pretty closely.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I wasn't sure weather to post this next thing, but I think it's better just to get it out, since it's weighing heavy on my mind tonight.
One of my close childhood friends, and my olders sisters BIL, committed suicide this past Sunday. I don't know many of the details. He had a lot of problems as an adult, including losing his job, and his house. It looks like his wife may have left him, and that was the final straw for him. He has a son about the age of my S13, who was there in the house with him.
I had not been in tough with him since we were teenagers. I'm going to the funeral on Friday. Our two families have been close over the years.
So, as I ponder my current sitch, I can't help but worry about my W's state of mind. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I just still have some guilt to deal with over not seeing her increased drinking over the past few years. She did try suicide a couple of years ago, which I though we had handled well. She returned to a psychiatrist for a while, and appeared to get better. This will be the longest she has gone without meds, so it is uncharted territory for me, plus I have almost NC with her.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I don't know luvless. I don't understand it. I can only say there are worse places to be than my own sitch. I'm thankful for all the blessings I have, now more than ever before.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I admit, 1 month for each year of marriage now sounds daunting. That would be 32 months, and I would have a little over two years ago. When I started here, I would've said that I would wait forever, but now something has changed. Part of it is that I feel like, in many ways, I've been waiting on my W for much of the past 17 years.
I wasn't recommending it. Besides, if I recall it's presented in the book almost anecdotaly. As one of the things that they (busted Ds) seem to have in common. Wow. 32 years. I'd forgotten that. Anyway, that makes my point better than I did. 32 months sounds extreme. But perhaps 4 months is extreme on the other end of the scale.
I do understand the 17-year-feeling you have, though.
Originally Posted By: Awoken
On the other hand, early on both Puppy and Sandi recommended that I file for D first. I've been hoping they might show up again to comment.
puppy and/or Sandi advice trump Gardener advice, that's for sure.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am so very sorry for your friend's death. Death is sad enough, but when it is intentionally self-inflicted, it is tragic.
Quote:
Wow...my BIL's good friend just committed suicide last weekend...what makes someone feel that kind of desperation?
IMO, it's a belief that you are helpless to change your situation. Human nature is to give up once you allow yourself to accept this untruth. So, the lesson is don't accept the falsehood that we do not have the power to affect our situations.
I think your friend would remind you DB'ing is about saving YOU. Everything else follows that.
I'm listening closely!
I think one of the hard parts about this limbo, is too much time to think. To get off track.
Thank you GIMA.
Coach told me a story one time that really helped me when I was stuck in limbo. And it had to do with a group of Marines who were pinned down on a beach. The Marines were hiding behind posts on the beachhead. The enemy was shooting bullets that were slowly destroying the posts. The commander came around and tried to get his men to advance forward, towards the firing enemy. He convinced his men to move by telling them that if they remained behind the posts, they would eventually face certain death. If they advanced, they might die, but they had a chance of surviving. Stagnant = death. Advancing = you got a chance.
Awoken, I'm so sorry to read of your friend taking his life, and of the circumstances. I agree that suicide is borne of hopelessness and desperation. It is so sad that in our society we do such a poor job of nursing our "walking wounded"...those who are in such distress.
I can understand your concerns about your W. I really hope that you can go to an al-anon meeting soon. Your W's addiction drama is triggering these D thoughts, and I think that it could help you to detangle some of the threads so that you can feel clear before making any decisions.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
