I have decided to start a new thread. Hopefully everyone will post here, and let the old thread go to the archives.
The title is an airplane type thing ILS = Instrument Landing System. It is used when the weather is bad and you are trying to land the airplane. I am hoping that is where my sich is now. I will try to keep the expectations low.
Based on the excellent post from HB I am thinking that my sich is on final approach. That doesn't mean after we land that everything ends. There is always another flight to take and new emergencies to deal with but hopefully I am closer to the end of this chapter.
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
For change there must be strength, for strength there must be growth,for growth there is always work to be done...never stop working.-LFW
Very good. I may have to read this a few more times. Your description of your journey matches up with the 6 stages. I think my last question which only I can answer is. If I still have to go through my own 6 staqes, I know I have gone through some already. Or am I to repeat this whole process when my own hormones go more wacko.
You are correct that only you can answer that question. But, though I had plenty of knowledge, I still had to take the entire journey skipping nothing that I know of. I did experience denial in the beginning when I went in..I think I was trying to go in before I left the board in what was supposed to be for good all those years ago...and I was fighting it to the hilt I was accepting of what was happening after I realized I was there; I was fighting constantly not to lose control and to not do something stupid.
I'd actually hoped I could avoid the change..yet, that didn't happen, as this comes for everyone when it's their time; so I went through..as that is the the only way...and it left it's mark, and made it's change within me.
The only other thing I can remember with any clarity was watching myself, and being terrified at odd times that I wouldn't get through this...I just did NOT want to be in this place, not at all.
Last, but not least, I was posting from memory..but TIME I cannot remember well at all....and after it took me 5 or 6 years to come through; after it was said and done, and I was finished; I went back to read the posts I'd written about the six stages...I have a backup copy that's located on a disk at home....and laughed at the time lines in the six stages I'd written...they did NOT apply to me, either. LOL!! That was why I said what I did when I posted in the beginning of coming back here about the times weren't accurate.
And if people are going to pick at details..they'll grab the smallest ones....LOL!!! I'd known that might happen if I ever came back....:D
My life and marriage continued; and still continues even now...and in time, the board left my mind and memory for quite a while...it is as it was supposed to and bound to, I'd moved on..and eventually, the majority of you will, too.
Some will stay as mentors, some will continue to need help as they may still have troubles either getting it or still handling their spouses.
(No, this is NOT a goodbye message, OP in case you might take it as that...I will be here for a time, no instructions to leave again, I'm just thinking me thoughts.)
But, to go on with what I'm saying..the old is shed and the new comes in..and life goes on.
Some random thoughts about me.....
Maybe I've got some unfinished business and need a little help, I'm not exactly sure..and maybe someone needs help from me still yet. I always knew, though that when I helped another, I would always get what I needed; as the Lord has always provided what I needed in the way of everything.
But, you gotta admit it's a little strange...I began posting here again under instruction I couldn't ignore anymore, my husband breaks his ankle...and another journey has seemed to be in the making with him long before he got hurt. I know I still haven't posted any story of any sort, but I don't think I need to at the moment; he, quite honestly, while in a crisis of a sort, is NOT in this place again, nor has he run back into the tunnel that has been closed to him for a long time. Something else is going on with him...and it seriously has nothing to do with another or even the same MLC..I'm getting that it's a different kind of crisis, that's emotionally based. I'm still thinking, praying, and gathering a few answers here and there. These are my thoughts based on what I've read; and listened to people talk about.
I'm not really trying to analyze him, or figure out some way to 'fix' him....I'm long past that place. I know to let go, and let God do His work within my husband once again. The questions I ask are more for my own understanding and patience. All I know is I will see what happens in time.
MLC was never a "one size fits all situations"; and I'm well aware of that.
I'm learning there are many different types of crisis a person can experience; most emotionally based..and it's the same formula, leave them alone, they'll figure it out, let go...etc; somewhat of the same tools...the only thing different is that you CAN force a crisis of this sort to a head whenever you are ready. And while I know this; I think I will continue to watch for a time....that broken ankle may do what I can't do. LOL!! Sometimes it takes a bringing down to make you think about things...and it's early days yet for him.
God works in mysterious ways that's for sure...the total purpose has yet to be seen. And I'm not arguing with that.
I will watch him as we go; is all I will do at the moment..or as much as I can while I'm busting my hind end to cover what he can't.
But I WILL make it through..this I know.
Sorry, I wasn't trying to hijack your thread, OP.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
You are more than welcome to hijack my thread any time you wish. It is my pleasure.
I'll try one more question. This one is open to anyone on this entire board. I think that the difference between a WAS and a MLC is the childhood issues, but the hormonal issues are the same for both. Anyone care to share their thought on this?
Based on the excellent post from HB I am thinking that my sich is on final approach. That doesn't mean after we land that everything ends. There is always another flight to take and new emergencies to deal with but hopefully I am closer to the end of this chapter.
I will caution you that no two people are alike..but you know that as you seem to be a very level-headed fellow, and worked through this for quite awhile. I am still struggling to remember my time frames, yet, while they might help; no one comes through EXACTLY the same way or within the same time frame.
I need to go back further and read even more on you and your situation. I think I got busy answering questions, which questions are always good, that's helped to literally drag my journey out of me, that I hadn't remembered well at all; old memories are and were coming back, and I knew that might be a good thing that would help. Don't worry that these memories will reawaken the pain behind them...that was healed within me long ago. I'm always thinking as I put each post up, and it takes me awhile to get these finished before I submit each one. I draw on a good many things, including my memories, and I'm always praying that what I say will benefit the person it's directed to.
I've also been reading several people's situations including yours..and am not finished yet with the reading...it's like catching up on a book you got behind on.
Later, Sir...gotta hit the road for the day.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I am repeating this here because I thought it was so good and I may need to re read it a few times myself. This is from HB on my last thread.
Quote:
Hi Cyrena...glad you chimed in on this; I always hoped I wasn't the ONLY one who saw my husband suffer hot flashes and have the night sweats...believe it or not, it was TWO weeks before I actually figured out he was experiencing exactly the SAME thing a woman experiences in menopause..and it further cemented my discovery that he was going through the dreaded Change of Life.
OP, from a sort of scientific point of view..men and women are supposed to become "balanced" during the change..men will somehow end up with more estrogen and women with more testosterone...it creates some sort of balance. That, in itself would also explain, the declining sex drive of man and the peak of a woman as they get older..it's like the opposite occurs..when young, the man is faster, the woman is slower..the opposite occurs as they age. The woman is faster, the man, slower. Emotional changes also occur that are supposed to teach each how the other half lives..is the only way I can phrase that.
Women must experience the emotions of men, whereas men must experience the emotions of women...and it all balances out.
One of the things I have discovered, is, at times I think more like a man does on some things..whereas my husband at other times thinks like a woman. smile It's amazing how this is supposed to work..but it does.
When you quit laughing..read what comes next, LOL!!
Quote: Certainly all women/men go through a decline of hormones and they all don't have a MLC. However for those that do how does this event relate?
I think the ones who are already emotionally balanced and mature, they are the ones who "breeze" through..they are also the ones who are open minded, and willing to learn and grow. I've met a few in my life..but only a few. Some people are just equipped to deal, I think...and my hat is off to those who accept what happens to them as it happens. smile
I hope this will answer your question: Have you ever heard someone say that when a woman goes through the change, she literally goes 'crazy'? I had heard that many times in my life. Somehow the hormones are linked to the chemistry in the brain, but how, I don't know. When I went through The Change, and my hormones dipped and swayed, I experienced confusion, mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats, depression...and the whole host of symptoms associated with going through the Mid Life Transition. I was not a very nice person when having episodes; I also cried alot from depression....and just wanted to be left alone. I was trucking during that time, and I got lost more times during a one-year period, than I ever did in my whole life. The hormones ARE linked to your moods, and feelings of well being; all this somehow does link to the brain; if hormones are unbalanced it will unbalance YOU; causing erratic behavior, the mood swings I spoke of..it has the look of mental illness but it's not.
Quote: When their hormones levels out does the crisis end or subside?
Yes, it should, unless a mistake is made while going through...like a betrayal of any sort that provokes guilt.
I had made NO such mistakes, but as my hormones came back to normal, I knew within myself that I was different..it was a peaceful feeling.
I don't know if this will help, but I will post what I remember.
When I went into the tunnel...I was restless, had been having small episodes of hot flashes, mood swings..gradually it escalated. By July I was full blown into it...and I had a very rough year. I felt lost, disoriented,(never mind the times I read directions wrong, and got even MORE lost, LOL), wanted to be left alone, every time my cell phone rang it seemed to be my husband....and I wanted him to LEAVE ME ALONE!! I also wanted everyone else to leave me alone...yet, I wanted someone to talk to me, to tell me this would pass.
I was carrying vague memories of what my husband had done..and those blew up into something bigger than they were supposed to be. I was literally consumed with hate for him...and for a long time after it was all said and done, I was ashamed of that, and had to forgive myself, though I never really acted on the feelings I was having. I simply bit his head off every time I talked to him....and it scared him badly, no kidding. It always has seemed that it was ok for him to fall apart, but if I did; that terrified him to no end...and so he did what I did NOT want him to.....pester the crap out of me.
An emotional distance sprang up between us, one of MY making, not his, and it drove him crazy....at times my mind would be clear, and I would explain each time that I was going through the change..and needed to be left alone so I could get through....he would say he was hurt because I was snapping at him continuously, I'd respond that he wasn't the only one who was getting snapped at and he never really left me alone..but there were times I managed to get clear of him by NOT answering the phone. I'd think about running away from him, and something would tell me I didn't want to do that..when I would ask why, I was told I'd understand later. I remembered that when my head cleared for good.
I felt like I was "burning up" I cried every time I laid down..and when I woke up I'd be soaked from head to toe...hot flash/night sweat.
There also came a time within that year when all of a sudden...I could actually see all the men I couldn't see before...and I was tempted to connect with one of them, but battled that temptation; I remembered what I'd suffered, and knew with some clarity that this was what I DIDN'T want to do. The pull was VERY strong. I mean, you see people all the time, but you don't see them. I'd always worn self-made blinders all of my married life and never really paid attention until all of a sudden. That challenge lasted around 3 months..then passed on to something else.
To help combat the physical symptoms I went to the GNC and got a natural herb of sorts that took the edge off so I could cope better.
I remembered mostly what I'd written, and what people had told me when it was my husband..and so, I did have most of the tools..but it was SO hard to remember what I was supposed to do for all the run away thoughts and such that comes with this.
And I prayed constantly for this to go away....after the physical symptoms, came the emotional battle; and I fought it...being forced to look at life from the beginning of what I could remember as a child; it was like I'd lived it the day before; it was THAT clear to me. I worked from there to my married life in stages.
I had an abusive childhood; and each event of abuse was looked at, resolved and worked through..peace was made, and then the next event was brought up. And so it went..right on into adulthood, marriage, having borne one child. My marriage was not perfect..but no marriage ever is; yet there were issues in it and another look at the emotional troubles that had shaped our marriage on both sides..but mine stood out MORE than his did.
I also remember a time when all I could see was where I'd failed...my son, who is 23 now, was an instrumental force in helping me past the Depression..and some of the Withdrawal stages.
I still remember that for everything negative I said, our son had a positive thing to say...and patiently he kept talking to me. He pointed out all the good I'd done in my life, all the lives I'd touched, the strength that he saw in me, the beauty that he saw, that I didn't see....but most of all; he supported and loved me.
I don't know how he knew how to handle me..but he had watched me handle his dad throughout...yet, I didn't have a problem with son helping me talk this out to see a different perspective...and the good..so, I was receptive to what he had to say...and we talked many times over the next two years.
I hate to say this..but during that time if my husband had fallen off the face of the earth, I wouldn't have cared...at least until I'd awakened...and I did..attaining some peace.
I continued to process along steadily; trying to get out of this as fast as I could..but the process doesn't allow for a speedy journey.
My inside life was pretty busy, several children did show in me..I don't know how many...but I know each child had their time in the sun, as was reintegrated within; that also took time.
Then things were peaceful, after I forgave not only everyone who'd ever done anything to me....yet, my husband was last in line; and I do NOT know why that was. I did reconnect with him, speaking of some of what I experienced, but not all. I had NOT done anything wrong..but some of the feelings I had regarding him were NEVER spoken of to him....I would have hurt him beyond belief, so I kept my silence on that...but there are NO guilt feelings in me for what I felt.
I simply talked about what I could talk about, and left some things alone; knowing that I was done and finished with this..THANK GOD! laugh Little did I know..there would be one more episode of this... When I thought it was all over, I experienced a final "rumbling"..and things moved in rapid motion over a period of around three months. I think I went over my journey to see if anything had been missed...I'm not sure.
When that finished I was done, and knew it for certain....feeling like I'd been seared or something burned out of me...changed..yet, renewed.
Everything went back to normal within my body...hormones finished re-balancing, any rashes I'd developed during that time healed, and my skin even seemed to renew itself.
The only sign that got left on me, was my crow's feet around my eyes had deepened, and that was it.
I didn't throw a tantrum that I remember; and I didn't do some of the things that other people did. I don't doubt I would have been capable of doing wrong...but you STILL, even though you're in the thoes of this monumental change...have a CHOICE you can exercise.
It is possible to override a pull to do something you know within your heart and mind that would be detrimental to your moral character...you can damage yourself emotionally when you do something out of character...yet, if your morals/character are strong enough..you can overcome temptation.
It takes strength and lots of it... to withstand the changes that can overtake you like a whirlwind.
More questions? smile
If anyone else would like to comment feel free. I know there has to be some opposing views from somewhere.
OP, Part of the problem w/yesterday's world is that people didn't discuss what men experienced during the life transitions. The topics were always about the women, the red sports car, etc., not what really transpired doing that time. Yet, it was always the topic about women and how they reacted during their "special" time of the month and then, of course, during the major change. Times have changed and because the baby boomers are all starting to blossom into the major change and so many are experiencing MLCs, it was bound to draw attention more so now than ever before. The world of communication has opened up and topics that were hush hush are now openly discussed on TV, radio, internet, newspaper and in general conversation. The times have changed dramatically from the 30's - 70's.
There has always been plenty of reading matierals on the change for women, but reading materials on men have been few and far between. However, there are two excellent books out there for women and men to read on the male menopause. I'm listing them here for anyone interested in reading them. They are both excellent and are also listed on the Highly Recommended Reading Materials thread in the MLC Resources.
Surviving Male Menopause, A Guide For Women and Men by Jed Diamond Male Menopause by Jed Diamond
BTW, it is true that as both male and female go through the "change" they will get in touch w/the opposite selves, i.e., men will touch on their female side and women will touch on their male side. One other note...you can go through the menopause and still have an MLC as well.
OP, Depending upon the individual, some can have both at the same time and others may start in the menopause/andropause and then follow suit into a MLC or have a MLC and then go into menopause/andropause. That's why it's difficult at times to determine what an individual is experiencing and when. I would suggest reading Jed Diamond's books.
Also, one spouse may have a MLC and then create such an environment that the spouse will then have one at the same time or one spouse has completed the MLC and then the other spouse went into one.
P.S. Hormones can play a part in MLC, but there are other chemicals in the brain that will assist in setting up MLC as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
