She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[robx]

I'm planning on telling her that I'm going home, and when i say home I mean my house. i have no problem with her staying, if she decides to leave that's on her. we'll see what comes out of counseling, because I plan to start that right away. we either see if we can fix this or if we need to move on.

When you tell her this you are actually seeking her approval, another thing that a strong confident man doesn't need to do. You make a decision for what's best for you and your kids and that means going home and being home and living at home, that's what is best for you and your kids. Allow your wife to do what she wants to do, she isn't asking for your approval to do what she's doing, you don't need to ask her or tell her what you will be doing, YOU JUST NEED TO DO IT.

Make a decision, and follow through, very attractive, very assertive, very masculine and very much the opposite from you based on the vibe I'm getting.

When you get home you just live at home, you don't ask for permission. If she asks what your plans are, then you can tell her this:

"I've decided I'm not moving out, this is my home. If you have a problem with this and feel you need to leave, I won't stand in your way and I won't beg you to stay. Being home and living in my home is what's best for me & my kids regardless of what happens between you and me."

[Greek]

When you tell her this you are actually seeking her approval, another thing that a strong confident man doesn't need to do. You make a decision for what's best for you and your kids and that means going home and being home and living at home, that's what is best for you and your kids. Allow your wife to do what she wants to do, she isn't asking for your approval to do what she's doing, you don't need to ask her or tell her what you will be doing, YOU JUST NEED TO DO IT.

Make a decision, and follow through, very attractive, very assertive, very masculine and very much the opposite from you based on the vibe I'm getting.

When you get home you just live at home, you don't ask for permission. If she asks what your plans are, then you can tell her this:

"I've decided I'm not moving out, this is my home. If you have a problem with this and feel you need to leave, I won't stand in your way and I won't beg you to stay. Being home and living in my home is what's best for me & my kids regardless of what happens between you and me."

And when you do this and say this, TBart, she is going to spin so far up you won't know what hits you! She will be mad. She will call you 'controlling'. She will fly all over every flaw you have and blame you for all of her misery.

None of this show of emotion on her part requires a matching show from you. Your calm, confident and strong disposition will HIGHLIGHT her loose ends. You put yourself on the rational end of the spectrum BY YOUR ACTIONS and she puts herself on the other end by her REACTIONS to your strength. This is how you want it. You have to chip away at what she thinks is her conviction and commitment to D. One thing I know for sure is that the WAW is almost never as SURE of what she is doing as she appears. You can expose this.

Greek

[Bworl]

I think it's enough to go home and say that it's your home and you have no desire to leave.

You don't need to tell her to leave. If she says that the two of you cannot be in the same house, it's ok to disagree with her, then just reassert that you plan to live in your home.

Don't make this a case of you coming back being a jerk. Firmness and strength can often easily turn into being an a$$hole. There is no need for that.

Your position is that you will live in your home. Your position is that you do not want a divorce and that you are willing to work on the marital issues - is she?

The tone of some of this is just too harsh and controlling.

You have to find a way to sift through our advice and implement things in a way that stands up for yourself, without coming across as controlling or punishing.

A tough task...


Blessings,

Bill

[jasper67]

it is all in how it's done. Calmn and Confident

[tbart01]

i just called to talk to my older daughter, and my wife answered. She told me that she had told my daughter when i was coming home, and that I'd be staying somewhere else. I told her I was going to talk to her about it later, but I'm coming home. She didn't understand, and I told her I was going home to my house. She really didn't have a response, i shocked her. Her whole tone changed, and we had a short conversation about normal things. i actually put my foot down for the first time since she told me this, and it felt pretty good.

[Greek]

In June I was asked to deploy to Afghanistan. I asked my wife how she felt about this, and she thought it would be a good idea because it would give us time apart. I agreed to go on the deployment to give her space. Things were ok, but she was still in her shell. In August I left for training and everything seemed ok. I came back for two weeks in September, and she pretty much acted like I wasn't even there. In October I left for three more weeks of training. The previous two weeks weighed heavily on my mind, and we argued on the phone most of that time. Prior to leaving for Afghanistan I went home for a week. This week at home was fantastic. We did things together, wen't to lunch and dinner, movies, talked, and were intimate all week.

So she recommends YOU go to a WAR ZONE/THIRD WORLD COUNTRY...so she can have space? Ice cold.

Then I left for Afghanistan. As you can imagine being away from your family is difficult. I missed them very much and called and expressed that often. I'm a very insecure person who leans on his wife allot for support. I had the capability to call her anytime I wanted to, but she requested I call Wednesday, and web cam on Sunday. At first this was very difficult to follow. She was still very supportive to me even when I called out of cycle. Eventually she would get angry when I called and would even ignore me if it wasn't on our agreed days.

More ice, TBart. What's with all the control??

Sometime in December I questioned the fact that she had stopped saying she loved me anymore. At that time she informed me of some frustrations and changes she wanted me to make, and that she would consider leaving me if I didn't make them. I immediately stared making changes. I began talking to the chaplain regularly, reading self help books, web sites, forums, you name it i did it. My years of negativity turned positive.

Goodness. You heard her. Validated. Executed on changes. Good on you.

I did everything she asked me to do, and yet she still decided she wants out.

Hmmmmm.

she doesn't want me living in the house while we do it because of the tension it may cause for the kids.

Tension for HER.

unable to forgive.

Not unable ~ unwilling. This is a choice.

Now she says she's tired of me always using her as my crutch.

Well, that can change. You will GAL, be your own man and offer her PARTNERSHIP in the M.

I also hope that the reality of me being in Afghanistan in a war zone has helped do this to her. Hopefully once she sees me and can see the changes first hand, we'll be able to begin the marriage repair.

Don't believe in magic, Tbart. She won't magically "see". You will have to make the changes for yourself, be the man you want to be and let her "see" that and maybe she'll choose you again. You don't need to 'repair' your M. You need a New M.

Greek

[Greek]

i just called to talk to my older daughter, and my wife answered. She told me that she had told my daughter when i was coming home, and that I'd be staying somewhere else. I told her I was going to talk to her about it later, but I'm coming home. She didn't understand, and I told her I was going home to my house. She really didn't have a response, i shocked her. Her whole tone changed, and we had a short conversation about normal things. i actually put my foot down for the first time since she told me this, and it felt pretty good.

Good work.

You see how she is choreographing things for you. Do not allow this. She should not be telling the children anything about this without YOUR agreement. These are not just HER children - they are YOUR children,too. She overstepped a boundary IMO by telling the child anything about this. Call her on it.

Greek

[sandi2]

When you speak of your changes and hoping she will see those and then be willing to work on the M, are you talking about changes you are making for her? What specific changes are you doing?

BTW, there has been some folks to try the "parent swap" route with their kids and for the life of me, I don't see how that could be good for the children. How many years could that last with a set-up like that? You would get "burn-out" so quickly and that's no way to live life. I agree in going back home, but be prepared to stand up to her.

Don't expect her to be the person you M b/c she's going through something right now that is causing her to act like a total stranger, and I doubt that is going to change any time soon. It will take a lot of strength to deal with the stitch after you get home. Start now in making changes to become the man "you" like and that will be a wonder example for your children when they start to pick their life partners.

You won't be able to please your W with your changes. Don't even try to work at making her happy with you, b/c she is hell bent on not being happy, so keep that in mind and don't be depressed when it is played out for you to see. Just keep doing what you know is the right thing to do and aim at being the best person you can be.

[tbart01]

Unfortunately sandi2 is right. I'm making changes for me, changes I've needed to make for a long time. i feel really good about the person I am becoming. She is still dead set on divorce, but she has finally talked to someone close. Until now she had been going at this alone. the fact that she finally spoke to someone close has made her realize she needs individual therapy, and she plans to start that before i get home. Things still look grim, but at least she's finally realizing something isn't right with her, and she needs to get help. i promise you this situation doesn't warrant a divorce, but in her mind it does. In the mean time, all I can do is continue to work on me, and be strong for my children. Right now the older daughter is playing both of us, and that's really hard for me being so far away. Any time they argue, my wife sees me and blames it on me.

[sandi2]

Things still look grim, but at least she's finally realizing something isn't right with her, and she needs to get help.

This is huge! There have been several LBH's who cannot get their WAW to see a doctor or IC. So, I believe that is a very positive sign.