I'm having another of those "end of my rope" times. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, I can't sleep because my stupid dog won't stop whining for whatever reason. I'm coming up shortly on 2 years since the bomb, and my life is still a bombed-out shell in spite of a lot of effort to rebuild it. I'm so discouraged and I just don't want to live like this the rest of my life.
One of my colleagues at work, aged 34, had a stroke over the weekend; minimal brain damage, really, altho she'll need speech therapy to learn to talk again. In searching for the cause of the stroke, they discovered she has leukemia. I'm honestly not that close emotionally to her, but I've gotten called to the hospital a couple of times to interpret the medicalese--once by the neurologist. She's a single mom, her husband left her last February. Not a lot of family support; mom lives with her but struggles so much with depression that she had to tell her it was time to step up, get out of bed, and feed the kids. When we were alone in the hospital room, she broke down and talked about how afraid she was, and how she didn't know how she was going to go through this alone.
And I can't help thinking that this could easily be me. I have pretty much accepted that I'll die alone (went thru dealing with this when 2 friends, a couple of years younger than me, had heart problems last fall; one died suddenly.) I don't mean it in a pathetic way, only that you come to grips with a worst-case-scenario and then you accept it and put it behind you. But if it was me in that room on the hematology floor--I'd be just as alone as my friend. And that's terrifying. These are the times when you realize just why you hate the isolation so much--it's frightening.
came home from the hospital last night with one of those "tomorrow's promised to no one" feelings, and was just a bit overly expressive of gratitude for my Texas friend's relationship. And got nada back. So today I apologized for loving. And I dropped another rope. So freaking tired of dropping ropes.
Will there be a day, ever, when I don't have to "take it back?" When I don't feel discarded and defective? I've done all the right stuff--and it just doesn't get any better.
Just journaling here. dont' expect a reply, rarely get replies. I just wish someone could tell me that my life will not always be this painful.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I just wish someone could tell me that my life will not always be this painful.
No-one can tell you that you life will ever be painless. No-one knows the future. We can make assumptions, and have hopes, and plan, but cr*p still happens, and can happen for months, or years. Or, just on a day when you're thinking "life sucks", something happens --- a new job, a kind word, you win something in a competition, or (dare I say it) a new man who won't run at the first sign of your needing something from him. They are out there --- just gotta have patience.
I have been somewhat out of sorts myself, lately. It seems that the tumour subsiding has been somewhat of an anti-climax. But, I do try and enjoy each day I'm alive. I am so sad for your colleague --- I pray for her healing. No fun to be in this situation. As for being alone --- who knows who will be with us at a time of extreme crisis. Your colleague has you, even though she didn't know you very well. There's always an angel waiting in the wings.
(((((Strength H'mama!))))))) Just a reminder of God's care below, since I know you are well aware of it. The Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12) Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek: for they shall possess the land. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God. Blesses are the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God. Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake: Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is very great in heaven.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I assume it feels as a lot of time has gone by and you probably thought that, by now, things would be a lot better and when you are down, things look equally painful or not much better, BUT, 2 years is really not a long time to come to terms with the end of your life the way you knew it, to break down in pieces, get back on your feet again, regroup, take care of practicalities, accept the new reality and face it. I mean, you have come a long way and you need to remind yourself that.
I am struggling too with being pessimistic. It's very hard to keep a positive attitude when you are hitting a low or are tired of fighting. But it is critical that you do. You have got to tell yourself, things will be ok in the end, if they are not Ok, it is not the end yet... (()) K
PS I know you didnt ask for a reply, hope you dont mind...
I just wish someone could tell me that my life will not always be this painful.
No-one can tell you that you life will ever be painless. No-one knows the future. We can make assumptions, and have hopes, and plan, but cr*p still happens, and can happen for months, or years. Or, just on a day when you're thinking "life sucks", something happens --- a new job, a kind word, you win something in a competition, or (dare I say it) a new man who won't run at the first sign of your needing something from him. They are out there --- just gotta have patience.
I have been somewhat out of sorts myself, lately. It seems that the tumour subsiding has been somewhat of an anti-climax. But, I do try and enjoy each day I'm alive. I am so sad for your colleague --- I pray for her healing. No fun to be in this situation. As for being alone --- who knows who will be with us at a time of extreme crisis. Your colleague has you, even though she didn't know you very well. There's always an angel waiting in the wings.
(((((Strength H'mama!))))))) Just a reminder of God's care below, since I know you are well aware of it. The Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12) Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek: for they shall possess the land. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God. Blesses are the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God. Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake: Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is very great in heaven.
not looking for painless at all. just enough less that I feel I can function and not curl up into a ball.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I assume it feels as a lot of time has gone by and you probably thought that, by now, things would be a lot better and when you are down, things look equally painful or not much better, BUT, 2 years is really not a long time to come to terms with the end of your life the way you knew it, to break down in pieces, get back on your feet again, regroup, take care of practicalities, accept the new reality and face it. I mean, you have come a long way and you need to remind yourself that.
I am struggling too with being pessimistic. It's very hard to keep a positive attitude when you are hitting a low or are tired of fighting. But it is critical that you do. You have got to tell yourself, things will be ok in the end, if they are not Ok, it is not the end yet... (()) K
PS I know you didnt ask for a reply, hope you dont mind...
I don't mind!
2 years does seem like a long time to be this crisis-driven. I truly don't know how much longer I can keep taking life one breath at a time! This is simply survival, it's not living. I'm so frustrated at my complete inability to build any kind of support system over this time--I have even less support now than I had at the time of the bomb, and the loneliness is just crushing me. If this is a poor attitude I apologize--it just doens't feel like I've come very far at all, and knowing there's no light at the end of the tunnel day after day is wearing me down. Yeah, I'm tired of fighting, of being overwhelmed by my emotions--which seem to come from nowhere.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Sheeeesh, Hoozh, you're getting better at the "Eeyore" thing than even me. And that's not a bar you wanna try to get UNDER, kwim??
What do you mean here:
Quote:
came home from the hospital last night with one of those "tomorrow's promised to no one" feelings, and was just a bit overly expressive of gratitude for my Texas friend's relationship. And got nada back.
You can e-mail me if you'd rather answer there. I'm sorry you're hurting. Puppies hate it when ANYBODY hurts, but especially their favorites.
I am terribly sorry that you are so low. Never feel bad for reaching out and please don't feel that you ever have to take it back.
I know this will seem hard right now but you need to create a vision of what you want your life to be like. Then we need to figure out the first step to get you there. It seems that you havethe basics and are running on fumes yourself. Do you enjoy reading or walking or painting. Finding that one thing can help you feel better. I promise.
I often think of Princess Diana. When she was in so much pain herself, she reached out to those hurting more and it helped ease her own pain. I will admit, I don't know what I would have doen without my oldest two boys. I shouldn't have allowed myself to lean on them but they came to me often for themselves and together we got through this mess.
I bet you will get through this too, lean a way dear lady.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
