She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Ready2Change]

Let the lawyers dance.

Let your lawyer know where you will settle.

I strongly recommend:

Frequent and equal parenting time.
First right of refusal.
Equal equity.

Be strong.

[Awoken]

Thanks R2C. Those three are what I want. I have some additional concerns about W's mental health and fitness that I need to sort out.

I first got the concept of "first right of refusal" from you, marked in my notes.

[Awoken]

Just curious. Have you asked/talked to your lawyer about this?

No, I haven't talked to my L about it yet. I don't really understand the whole process yet. I'm compiling a list of questions to ask her, so that I'm organized and make the best use of the billable hours. I'm assuming once we schedule a meeting with my STBXW's lawyer, that we will talk over my needs and questions.

[Awoken]

(((Gardner)))

This is why I come to these forums, people like you and R2C, and all the others here.

I sat here and read through those two posts you made to me over and over. What you said is very clear, and so helpful. I saved them for daily reference.

I don't know exactly how to express it, but that story about you and your son gives me some hope for the future I haven't felt in a while. It's funny how just the right words at the right time can do that?

[flowmom]

Awoken, what a great fathering moment with your son. Teenagers desperately need to talk to their parents, but they don't always know it or make it easy for that to happen. IC does sound like a good idea...your S needs a safe place to talk about his feelings, and his peers are not emotionally equipped to be there for him.

[Gardener]

Awoken,
Thank you for that. It means more to me than you can know.

At yesterday's IC session, I was recapping (not lamenting) that my DB efforts - and other efforts - did not work, did not save my marriage. And that after D-Day next week I'd probably drop off the board except maybe for Surviving the Big D occasionally.

My IC repeated something he'd said before about the particulars of my sitch and my efforts: "It didn't work. It was never going to."

And then he said something to me about the DB Boards and about life in general that I don't think anyone has ever said to me: "You have a lot to offer."

So, my thanks to him and my thanks to you, Awoken. You are so right:

It's funny how just the right words at the right time can do that.

Peace,

[January girl]

"You have a lot to offer."

Funny you should mention this because as I have been reading thru this and many other posts I have often thought how incredible the support and kinds words are. You and so many others have been selfless in helping so many of us get thru each day. I am strong BECAUSE of the support I receive (and sometimes give) on here. I hope you will continue to "lift up" those of us who need you. I also hope you have peace each day....you deserve it. Your story gave me such comfort last night in dealing with my D9.

[Awoken]

(((Gardner)))

I save posts in a text file that are really important to me. Early on in my sitch, I was struggling with what the extent of my W's drinking problem was. You offered me the following post:

A drinking problem by definition is not manageable. Hide-able, sure. Function relatively "normally" in society despite it? kinda sorta, but life becomes a performance. A drinking problem, too much drinking, habitual drinking, alcohol abuse, self-medicating, whatever you call it is a problem.
Or, more often than not, it is masking a problem.

Followed by this post which sent me searching bookstores. Trimpeys book was a key read for me, especially with regards to my own guilt and denial over W's drinking. As I type this, I'm making a note to reread it.

For more insight, you might want to look at the book Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey. Different approach. Worked immediately for me. Not a one-day-at-a-time approach. Rather Starting-today-and-forever. Not forever on-going recovering. Recovered. Period. (though I over simplify)Higher success rate than AA.
But, your call, of course.

You do have a lot to offer. Thanks yet again dear friend!

[Awoken]

arrrrgg,

I spent today trying to finish financial paperwork for my lawyers. I would much rather have watched the game (even with the eventual outcome). Out of necessity, I stayed in my bedroom with the laptop and all my papers trying to find all the remaining information.

STBXW stayed in the living room with the big screen tv. She is a big football fan, and had her Colts jersey on. I was a little sad not to be sharing the game with her, and then sadder still to realize that I had not shared enough games with her in the past.

Then, as my frustration with the paperwork set in, I wondered if she had done any of this paperwork with her lawyers, and here I am redoing all of it, or worse doing it for her.

My most petty side came out when the Colts started to lose, and I found myself silently pulling for the Saints to defeat the Colts....and my W. Five minutes before the end of the game, she stormed upstairs, announced to the entire house that she was "done with this", and retreated to her room. I could hear her furiously facebooking away.

She should be better than this. Saturday, I was supposed to take D17 shopping for a prom dress. It was my turn this year. W intervened, and asked D17 herself. It ticked me off, but I took my time to think it over, and it was simply more important for D17 to spend the time with her mom. I could see that D17 wanted to try to mend some fences, and this was her chance. STBXW is going to a "triathlon" out of town on prom day (very weird!), so this was really her only chance to do prom stuff with D17.

I'm trying to do what is best for my kids, and save myself at the same time. I'm still worried about W, but I have to just let her go.

[Gardener]

Awoken,

A drinking problem by definition is not manageable. Hide-able, sure. Function relatively "normally" in society despite it? kinda sorta, but life becomes a performance. A drinking problem, too much drinking, habitual drinking, alcohol abuse, self-medicating, whatever you call it is a problem.
Or, more often than not, it is masking a problem.

Followed by this post which sent me searching bookstores. Trimpeys book was a key read for me, especially with regards to my own guilt and denial over W's drinking. As I type this, I'm making a note to reread it.

For more insight, you might want to look at the book Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey. Different approach. Worked immediately for me. Not a one-day-at-a-time approach. Rather Starting-today-and-forever. Not forever on-going recovering. Recovered. Period. (though I over simplify)Higher success rate than AA.
But, your call, of course.

You do have a lot to offer. Thanks yet again dear friend!

And your (flattering) remembering of that post - last night - reminded me that yesterday, February 6 was the four-year anniversary of my stopping drinking alcohol.
Imagine that!

Still not recovering.
Recovered.

Thanks.