She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Sister]

Keep the door open, but SHE has to walk through it.

^^This. Even if it takes time. Remember, it's her actions OVER TIME that counts. I think it was fine you reaching out with your text to her. Even if her response was delayed, you did get a response. (But what do I know?)

Must be a hard thing, this roller coaster....

[January girl]

Awoken,
How are you doing?
JG

[Awoken]

Hey JG, thanks for asking

I think I'm doing pretty well considering. I'm measuring this by the fact that I'm mostly sleeping, I'm able to eat, I'm exercising, and I'm able to function well at work.

Mostly I'm feeling really sad, and I'm sure this is a natural time for grief. I'm not having as much time for the forum now. My time is spent working on paperwork for a divorce which I don't believe is a solution to my marriage problems. I have to finish my self-employed taxes early, try to figure out my financial situation, including how I'll find health insurance after the divorce (I'm on my wife's policy now). There are so many details, and each one just reminds me of the destruction of my family.

Still, things could be much worse. I'll survive this and come out a better man and father.

[CountingCrows]

Mostly I'm feeling really sad, and I'm sure this is a natural time for grief. I'm not having as much time for the forum now. My time is spent working on paperwork for a divorce which I don't believe is a solution to my marriage problems.
...
There are so many details, and each one just reminds me of the destruction of my family.

Still, things could be much worse. I'll survive this and come out a better man and father.

Our timelines and sitches have many similarities. Your comments hit home so hard, because they could have come straight from my mouth as well. Personally, I wish that I could have kept myself more detached when W reached out to me 3 weeks ago, but instead, I crumbled, and it has just thrown me into a hard spin. All my DBing went out the window, I guess because I figured that since we were going through with the D, it wasn't necessary anymore. I realize how wrong this is, as it's seriously impeded my progress of healing.

I'm trying to walk that fine line between being friendly/civil for S7's sake, and being her "friend". I'm so lonely for her friendship, but I also know that it's not enough for me. I know that she's "broken" (her words...tattooed on her back), and I can't fix her. Yet I still love her and have to fight the urges to take care of her, even when she won't do what it takes to take care of herself (yes, have enabler tendencies). She can barely look me in the eyes anymore because of all that she's done to me, and has an even harder time looking in the mirror.

I guess I've still held a small bit of hope that some miracle would happen, and she would suddenly snap out of this and magically become the person that I deserve. It's killing me to know/admit/accept that this isn't going to happen. If I could have done like you and detached better, I wouldn't have allowed myself to (even subconsciously) expect anything from her, and therefore couldn't be disappointed like I've been these past few weeks.

Hang in there. We're going to be better people in the end.

[Awoken]

Thanks CC,

Yes, I've seen the similarities in our sitches, and a lot of what you've said in your thread I felt were my own words too. We've definitely got some kinship/brotherhood in our shared experiences. As awful as it is, I don't feel as lonely knowing that someone else out there is dealing with some of the same stuff as I am.

I think I threw DBing out the window too, and I'm trying to get back to it. It's hard when my hope is so....meager i guess.

You said you wished you could have detached better, like me. I don't know how detached I really am. I still have that small ember of hope that W will turn around. I keep it safe deep in my mind because it's so painful to confront how unlikely it is. I wish I could just let it go, but I can't.

[Awoken]

arrrg! W still gets in my head!

She told me this afternoon that she is going to a friends party on the other side of town. Then she explained that since she feels uncomfortable driving over there late a night, she's just going to spend the night over there. She's never had a problem before; sigh, the lies never stop.

I just got home, and the entire house smells like her perfume, she's made herself up for a special night. Either there she's got someone that she wants to hook up with, or she just wants some time to drink herself silly without us knowing about it.

I don't know if I'm more upset at the thoughts of what she is doing tonight, or that I still let her get to me this way.

Yesterday, D17 told me that mom's nights with the kids (Tuesdays and Thursdays), W basically spends the majority of the time at the gym or in her bedroom.

The first three months of my sitch has been hard enough, and I know I haven't handled it the best. Now I'm dealing with the consequences of my inaction. This slow grinding process towards a D is a different kind of suffering, and its truly awful, as I'm sure many of you know all too well.

I can tell that I'm very confused and over-emotional tonight. I think I could really use some 2x4's or comments of any kind.

[givingitmyall]

Awoken,

Sorry friend you are going through this, but it's normal. Don't fight your emotions. Recognize them, deal with them, let them out, and move on.

The fact is, you don't know what she's up to. And, given that she has filed for D, it's not your problem unless it impacts the children. And even then, you may not be able to do a thing about it.

Certainly let your L know about how W is spending her time with the kids.

I understand the emotional side of this. B/c I have had a tough week with my D as well. It's ok to be angry, hurt, sad. Those are normal reactions of someone who cares and loves. The challenge is not to let those negative emotions overtake you while, at the same time, letting them run their course.

If you don't let them run their course, they will back up on you, sort of like not taking out the garbage. So, let them out (I had to earlier this week), then gather yourself and keep moving forward. Focus on what you CAN control and let go of that which you can't.

And post here for support or to vent. We are all here to help you and one another. So, use that resource.

I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[Ready2Change]

Hi, not sure if I have recommend these books to you, but they are both very good reads:

Link to Anger book by defoore

Link to book divorce poison

[Awoken]

Thanks GIMA; I'm feeling better today. More sad than angry really.
Your post was helpful as always. I hope you are doing well too.

(((Ready2Change)))
Thanks for the book recommendations. I got my copy of the 4 agreements last week, and I'm rereading it now.
I'll get the anger book next. I've read DivorcePoison. Maybe I need to reread it.

I just read the intro's to both books again on the amazon links that you provided. Can you elaborate about what led you to recommend divorce poison?

[Awoken]

Those that refuse to play offense, are destined to play defense.

Time to lawyer up.

Puppy

Puppy posted this in another thread today. I couldn't help but notice this. He and Sandi both recommended that I file for D first, taking charge of my sitch. I'm definitely now in a defensive position, and possibly stuck with a long drawn out process. Or maybe it would have been long anyway. Until this all started, I never considered divorce before.

I remember why I didn't follow their advice, but I do have doubts about my choice now.