By the way, dating is not just an option for me at this point, it is a directive I have given myself...I'm not fighting you on that point anymore!
Your decision. Even though it is like trying to bake a cake and missing the most important ingredient. You can still call it a cake and you can still try to bake it, but it doesn't come out the right way. You can have all the other ingredients perfect, but missing one of the most important makes the others useless too.
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This is so juvenile but I haven't taken him off my page because I don't want to be provocative right now and he would actually take offense at that...I am too reliant on him for money and it is better if he thinks everything is ok.
Poor me??? I guess you aren't serious about turning this around or you aren't convinced my advice works. I recommend that you take him of ASAP.Sooner the better. Looks like the cake is missing another ingredient. Turning this around or turning yourself around will take a lot more "who cares what you think" attitude. You aren't there. Sure wish you were.
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I know I'm repeating myself but what I am looking for is to still feel at the end of all this that I did my best and handled all of this in the most mature and effective manner.
Another area I disagree with you and many others on. There is and has been nothing wrong with you. Nobody is perfect. You would be much further ahead if you would use better self talk such as admitting that you WERE a damn good wife and you have no regrets now. It seems to me it is ALWAYS the person who says "I want to say I did my best or that I tried everything" are always the ones that end up divorce and not reconciled. My take is that you have NOT tried everything (letting go, dating, getting tough with him to name a couple)What most people sound like to me when they say this is "This way hasn't worked,but I don't want to admit it to myself so I will keep trying more and more of what isn't working until there is nothing left to give. How sad for me to observe this.
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Do you relate to what he is doing? Is it just ego? Possessiveness? Narcissism? I know mind-reading is a no-no but I just don't get it. I feel like maybe I am missing something here, that it is me that rejects him over and over...I don't know. Just looking for the guy perspective and with my own mental well-being in mind (more than DBing) I want to keep myself together.
Don't get caught up in this "mind reading nonsense." It is okay to mind read. That is just more psycho babble. We all do some mind reading. Any man who doesn't learn to try and read what his wife means is foolish. My wife loves it when I can "read her mind" (or as I put it, know her so well that I know when and how to empathize with her feelings without her having to ask or lay it out to me.) Smart men know this and use it to HELP the relationship. The key is learning how to use it as a PLUS in your relationship. The same goes for women. I like it when my wife knows when and how to deal with my moods and such. She isn't always right, but I love her for caring enough to at least trying to be in sinc with me. It shows she loves me and cares about me and wants to do things for me and WANTS to be ONE. I have read her mind even on that last comment. I bet I am right though.
The real answer to your question though is that your husband is acting like a child because you allow it. You have helped to create nothing more than a spoiled brat. He does it because he can.
I love to watch Andy Griffith. There is some great truths in some of those episodes. The episode that reminds me of you and your husband goes like this.
A new boy moves to Mayberry and befriends Opie. The new boy is spoiled and gets whatever he wants from his parents. One day the new boy comes over with a new bike and is bragging to Opie about his new bike. Little Opie is in awe of the new boy and the new bike. The new boy says to Opie. “Don’t you know how to get what you want from your parents?” Opie is puzzled.
“Well, when they tell me no, I throw a tantrum or hold my breath until my face turns blue. It scares them so much when I do these things, that they then give me whatever I want.”
Well, Opie is amazed. “Is that all there is to it?” “Yep” says the new boy.
Opie decides he is going to try these things on Andy. He heads down to the courthouse. “Pa, I want a new bike.” Andy tells him “no” Opie falls on the floor and starts kicking and screaming and crying. Andy has his head down not paying a bit of attention. He keeps his head down mired in his work and says to Opie. “What are you doing?” Opie says. “I am having a tantrum” Andy says. “Okay, don’t get your clothes dirty son.” Opie finally gives that up and then walks up near Andy and breathes in deeply and starts holding his breath. Andy waits for awhile and then says to Opie. “Now what are you doing?” Opie says. “Holding my breath until my face turns blue” Andy says. “Oh, okay. That’s good for your lungs.”
Opie finally gives up and realizes that this stuff isn’t working with Andy…
This reminds me of you. Your husband does these things BECAUSE he can and because YOU allow it. Sorry that this doesn’t contain enough psycho babble or deep thinking terms we can try to coin him. You are making more of this than necessary. Make it simple. He is a spoiled brat and acting like one. I would focus on putting an end to it. I don’t allow people to do these things to me. MY CHOICE.
Anger is the child's way of showing respect. Of course he will get angry when you change your ways and start to get "tough" with him. That is typical of spoiled brats. My response to it if he does is ..."SO what"
I would ignore him, not answer his calls, not anwer his questions, not respond to his childishness, take him off face book, start dating, and only communicate the most necessary and basic things needed. Business like on the phone and then politely hang up. Over and over and over and over..
I would be thinking to myself and knowing who is the adult and who is the child. It wouldn't be up for negotiation. I may even do some "childish" things of my own. (secretly laughing.)
Sometimes the best way to deal with a child is to think and act like one.
You can stagger the doses of Tylenol and Motrin so that she is getting something every 2 hours, even though she is getting Tylenol every 4 hours and Motrin every 4 hours. And keep her drinking fluids.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
By the way, dating is not just an option for me at this point, it is a directive I have given myself...I'm not fighting you on that point anymore!
Gucci said-
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Your decision. Even though it is like trying to bake a cake and missing the most important ingredient. You can still call it a cake and you can still try to bake it, but it doesn't come out the right way. You can have all the other ingredients perfect, but missing one of the most important makes the others useless too.
Gucci, darling, you misunderstood me...or I was not clear, dating is absolutely happening and imperative at this point. I got some attention while I was away and I can't argue your rationale anymore because you were RIGHT!!!
I have no qualms, I want to date for a multitude of reasons.
A/K, I'll search later for you. I have to take care of d12 with a HIGH fever now. Can't seem to keep it down for long and it hit 104.8 last night, and on the digital thermometer it went over 105 but she was coherent, and funny and sacastic, etc. (Maybe that's the last thing to go). H is on call at the hospital so until he gets back I just want to get that fever down. We r not that big on ER visits as we know what they involve and she is taking fluids orally...oh well,
Oh my, good luck with that and please keep us posted!
I am doing great!
And, I'm so done with Kevin. I feel like a mouse on one of those wheels trying to get through to him.
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Another area I disagree with you and many others on. There is and has been nothing wrong with you. Nobody is perfect. You would be much further ahead if you would use better self talk such as admitting that you WERE a damn good wife and you have no regrets now. It seems to me it is ALWAYS the person who says "I want to say I did my best or that I tried everything" are always the ones that end up divorce and not reconciled. My take is that you have NOT tried everything (letting go, dating, getting tough with him to name a couple)What most people sound like to me when they say this is "This way hasn't worked,but I don't want to admit it to myself so I will keep trying more and more of what isn't working until there is nothing left to give. How sad for me to observe this.
Listen, I agree with you. I think I was a wonderful wife and I think I am a great woman. He'd be hard pressed to do better. But, when I was acting like most of the WAWs here, I think it was not good. And, really, your criticism of my psycho-babble here can extend to my controlling, neurotic and over-analytical tendencies in the marriage. I don't need to assign blame. The dynamic and H's behavior fueled my anxiety, but I will never look back and think, "ya, he deserved to have me roll my eyes at him or flip him off or tell him I hate him" just like I didn't deserve the sh*t he was pulling on me.
I am cool with changing some things. Letting go of my moral superiority and hard-headedness are part of it, you see? I mean I swore I would not go near another man until we were divorced and by violating that, I actually freed myself and am ultimately lightening up (one of the things I needed to do in my marriage)...I'm sure this is coming off as psycho-babble but, it makes sense to me.
This is so juvenile but I haven't taken him off my page because I don't want to be provocative right now and he would actually take offense at that...I am too reliant on him for money and it is better if he thinks everything is ok.
Gucci-
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Poor me??? I guess you aren't serious about turning this around or you aren't convinced my advice works. I recommend that you take him of ASAP.Sooner the better. Looks like the cake is missing another ingredient. Turning this around or turning yourself around will take a lot more "who cares what you think" attitude. You aren't there. Sure wish you were.
Stick with me here Gucc, please. My #1 priority right now HAS to be my kids' well being. If and when I take H off, he will be humiliated because all of our mutual friends (other than my good friends) are getting his version of how it is all good with me. Now, I would love to make my point but as I am still completely reliant on him financially, I am reluctant to be provocative. I realize that this sounds silly but his ego can't take it. He'll retaliate. This week I will hopefully find out if I have money for a L.
Today I made what felt like a Kevin style mistake...I agreed to have lunch with H and the kids because he said they wanted to. I couldn't believe I was that easy!!! But, it went well, meaning my kids transitioned soooo much better and are so much more at ease. Normally S6 has a 3 hour tantrum when I get him from H. Today just went so smoothly. I looked good, felt good. Kept it light and the kids seemed to benefit from the experience.
I honestly do not have reconciling as my goal here. If the Gucc can work that miracle, ha, I'll hook you up with some producers and you can have your own reality show!!
I'm so much closer than you think I am...but keep on me. I can take it!
Oh, Gucci, 25, Coach...if H tries to connect me with people who can help with my business, how do I deal with that? I mean I would prefer to be completely separate but a) he knows sooo many people and b) I'm destitute and can't really justify turning away opportunities...
The communication when kids are involved is so complicated. I mean, I can stick to business and be "friendly" for their benefit, right?
I exhibit no interest in his life or what he is doing. I skip any emails or phone calls that are personal...
But, I am still in our house with most of his stuff here (annoying but actually beneficial to have assets here)...so there are lots of potential boundary issues. I make sure I am not here if he comes by and I don't extend myself for the most part.
Don't think it. Know it! You have come such a long way in finding out how very strong you are. I applaud you! I do admit that we do need to look at our relationships and see what our mistakes are, but I am of the same opinion that a lot of the people on this site are not the horrible spouses the WAS tries to make us believe we are and we end up trying to accept the blame for their weakness. There is no excuse in my eyes for breaking your marriage vows and having an affair. If you honestly are not happy in your marriage you should either a) be strong enough to let your partner know that something is wrong and look to counseling or b) leave. I read an interesting article on cognitive dissonance and it totally opened my eyes as to what a person's mind does in order to justify doing something morally reprehensible like cheating, doing drugs, and the like. WASs don't want to feel as if what they did is so bad. And it's easier to hurt someone else and believe that the LBSs are the bad people and the LBS made the WAS do this in order to be able to live with themselves and their guilt. It's why WASs act as heinous as they do. It's to alleviate their own feelings about what they are doing and have done.
Right now in my STBXH's eyes, I am a cold calculating beyotch. I did not play nicey nice and roll over and let him have the easy way of getting his citizenship. I have paid a huge price for the lessons I have learned in my life and I will no longer be the person who makes his life any easier. His choice was to leave. It's my choice to let him live with his choices. Is it to be mean to him? No, it's actually so I can live with myself at the end of the day. He lost my friendship when he continued texting my ex bestfriend when I told him it was inappropriate and become more than "just friends" and left me and my children. My friendship included helping him out when he was in need. He chose to stop being my friend and so lost my help.
A&K, you will get here. You will get to this point.
Stacey, I added you on my FB. So if you got a request from a Shawna with the last initial F. That would be moi!
Anyone else can feel free to add me. I don't have too much to say here as I am not trying to save my marriage and I feel as if I am a Debbie Downer! LoL I do wish you all the best of luck!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
