I'm not suggesting you're shallow (getting laid), that's just my way of expressing myself. I apologize for being insensitive. I know it's about the whole package for you. I'm one of those crazies that like that complete emotional/physical connection too. I'm getting old and jaded.
I know you did not mean it that way but my W has said it that way in the past. I am not very good at explaining it to her she just sees it as me wanting sex and only sex. It might be different now but I’m not a mind reader.
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
It may have not been your intention to threaten, but that's how it sounded to me. Your conversation sounded like it could be applying pressure. Again, not your intention, but it could have sounded like that to her.
Your right, always two ways of looking at things.
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Quote:
I don’t want to hurt her or abandon her or anything like that but I also don’t want to keep fighting over it nor do I want to keep fighting my own feeling and desires. How do I balance that and not put pressure on her? That is really what it all boils down to. My inner turmoil over her wants and my wants at this particular moment not being the same.
I completely understand this. To me, she continues to have control over this situation. She sets the tempo for your R. You cannot balance it without her input - how can one side balance a situation? IMHO, surrendering to the situation for a while is a possible solution. Doing nothing. What can you do? You're up against a situation that's not going to move until she decides it will. And your frustration? Will have to be tabled for now.
It always ends up back here doesn’t it? I feel like I keep surrendering to the situation. Allowing her to control the pace. It works for a while, I shelve my desires for a couple of months and go with the flow. We get closer more connected but that just brings me back to wanting the physical again. Round and round and round.
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Has she given any indication where the disconnect is within her? Until a problem is acknowledged, it can't be fixed.
Yes and no, she has said that she did not like me for a long time and that it has been a long time since she has had those feeling for me and she is not sure how to get them back. She has admitted that she thought she was “in love” with him because she wanted someone to pay attention to her. But she has also said that she did not tell me when I did something that upset her nor did she communicate her needs to me even when I asked her. I also think she now understand how much it hurt me when I would try and talk to her about improving our R when the kids were very young and she would say “I get everything I need from the kids” how that made me feel unwanted and an outsider in her life. How that contributed to me emotionally distancing myself from her.
This is stuff I have gathered over our last six months of talking and getting closer. Not sure she has put it all together or not but just from the things she has said I think my side of the story is becoming clearer to her. She just knew I was an angry miserable person that did not pay attention to her but she never saw how she contributed to how I was.
So yes I think she has an idea what the disconnection within her is but no I don’t think she knows exactly what it is nor whether she wants to fix it or not.
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
A man's job is to fix things. You're just doing your job.
Yea, can’t break myself of that habit either.
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
I wish I had better advice. WT
Not sure any advice can really help. Just nice to here other peoples prospective.
It always ends up back here doesn’t it? I feel like I keep surrendering to the situation. Allowing her to control the pace. It works for a while, I shelve my desires for a couple of months and go with the flow. We get closer more connected but that just brings me back to wanting the physical again. Round and round and round
As I was typing that reply last night, I thought the exact same thing. I know you and I have had this same conversation more than once. What's going to break the cycle?
Our MC told me that she will never get what sex means to me, so quit trying to explain it to her, she will never get it.
That really hit me hard and somehow relieved me. Is this a hormone thing with her, does she not have needs in that area? Sex therapist, being suggested? I will go back and read some of your Sitch, so you do not have to reply on things you have probablly gone over adnauseum.
Yes we have had this convo before. Which brings me right back to the trial seperation and me moving out. Not a threat, not meant to hurt or force her hand or any of that stuff. Just a way to maybe break this cycle and give us both a different persective.
Will we miss each other, will we not? Will it bring us closer or move us further apart? Is it the right thing to do or not? Trust me I have debated it many times and did nothing about it until this weekend. Its the sh** or get off the pot deal.
It also brings me back to what Ken said. Do it without any expectations of how it will play out and do it for the right reasons. That being because it is the best thing for me at the moment and not to force her to miss me/ want me back.
But as in all these choices it is figuring out what is the true reason for doing it and only I can answer that one. I did not make the suggestion lightly nor on the spare of the moment. I'm trying to keep emotions out of it but thats hard to do. I'm pretty easy to read I wear them on my sleeve and that's a bad thing sometimes.
Our MC told me that she will never get what sex means to me, so quit trying to explain it to her, she will never get it.
That really hit me hard and somehow relieved me. Is this a hormone thing with her, does she not have needs in that area? Sex therapist, being suggested? I will go back and read some of your Sitch, so you do not have to reply on things you have probablly gone over adnauseum.
Good luck,
Burt
I stopped expecting her to get it a while ago. The issue with her is that she is not "in love" with me and thus does not have a desire to be physical with me. Whether its emotional or physical is hard to tell. If she was "in love" with me and did not have a desire than I would say it was a hormone thing. I know she does not want it or need it as much as I do that I have learned to live with but the not at all is what I cannot live with. Its part of a healthy R and a loving M and I don't think I should settle for less than that.
Well its official we will be working on a trial seperation. After discussion this morning it is clear that this will be the best for both of us. She does not have those feelings for me and after a year of nothing really changing that living together is not improving our situation.
I told her that I need a wife who loves me and wants to be with me and I think that my being here is forcing you to try and get those feelings back for me and not because you want them back. She did not disagree with that assesment.
Not sure how to proceed from here but I have looked at stuff on the internet and I have a place I can move into for a while. What I have read is that we should put a time frame on how long we should live apart and of course arraingments for seeing the kids and financial stuff. Really worried about telling my kids. Did not want to put them through what I went through and maybe that is why I have fough so hard for so long.
Not sure if I am all that sad at the moment, not sure what I really feel. Sort of numb but then again sort of knew this was likely to be the outcome all along.
I believe it's physical.....hormonal or a chemical imbalance...
MFT - why do you think it's physical? (chemical or hormonal)
I agree, from what Tim has written here it seems like this all started once the kids were born, but that stuff usually straightens out. From a female perspective, I think it's emotional which directly influences the physical.
Sorry if I'm butting in on a conversation you guys had privately, and if it's already been discussed to death then pass this by.
well it appears to me that if Tim has been on the up and up with us from the beginning and he realized he was once an ass and treated her bad but has changed for the better and their relationship has been good over the last year or so...and they appear to have drawn closer.....she has even said she wants his company..seeks him out and it sounds like he is her BFF...then
I think she/he needs to look elsewhere for the reason for her lack of sexual desire for Tim...she's either at the age (40's) or approaching the age where some stranghe things are taking place for a woman..
Of course I'm not a doctor..but I am staying at a Holiday Inn when I go out of town this weekend!!
I said to her this morning that we are closer than we have been in the last 10 years and she asked me if I reeally beleived that. I said yes and then asked her if it was not true for her. She said that our communication is better but as far as the emotional connection I would say no.
That to me says that I have been feeling something different from her and she has been saying something different to me. It says her lack of desire is not hormones but emotional. Meaning she is not in love with me at all.
