She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

(((Ready2Change)))

Thanks for your posts. I'm going on the trip, I'm gonna need the break anyway. Your advice was/is good. your supportive words too.

Not being confrontational is a big 180 for me with W. I have always wanted to get to the bottom of the problem. I've been mostly non-confrontational lately. Not so good tonight though, see next post.

The kids don't see me angry at W. I've been defending her to them this entire time, trying to keep their relationship with W intact.

[Awoken]

I need to vent, and get this self-pity out of my system.

It's a worse week really than I thought. I think I've been suppressing some of my feelings all week, although I knew there was something deep down.

I had a feeling I was going to get the D papers from W tomorrow, and I thought I should prepare for it and not let her surprise me. I looked them up online. Wow, I wasn't at all prepared for the level of emotion seeing the actual papers had on me. Honestly, sitting here right now, I'm still shaking with grief and anger. Something about seeing the papers online, on public record, just made everything very real, including what it must take for my W to be able to do that.

I suppose it's just a standard lawyer tactic, but she is asking for basically everything: primary custody of the kids, child support, the house, permanent alimony, and for me to pay her legal fee's. We will basically be spending D17's college fund and my retirement paying for this D.

I've come to some strong realizations about my role in the failure in our M, but not of them warrant this kind of treatment.
My wife's biggest complaint apparently is that I didn't purchase a new bed room suite when she asked, and she doesn't know who she is. This just doesn't make any sense to me. I know she is lonely and hurting, hurting deeply. But this destruction of our family and financial future for the kids is just wrong. I've been taking care of her for the past 17 years. What exactly merits this?

I snapped a little tonight. Not really a confrontation.
me: "I just saw the divorce papers. You are asking for primary custody!"
W: "no, joint"
me: "I quote: joint legal, primary physical custody"
much later, w: "I have emailed them about the wording"

I really should have waited until I could post here, or waiting until I could reach a friend on the phone.

[Awoken]

I was right to expect the papers; she left them on my nightstand. Right after I posted last night I went to bed and found them.

There were some additional papers that I had not seen online. Primarily a letter from her lawyer. There is one possible positive: they are requesting that we go to mediation. However, my Lawyer told me on Tuesday that all D's in my county are required to attempt mediation, before going to court.

Another thing. W seems to have changed in her mind when she dropped the bomb on me, and it is reflected in the papers. She has our separation as starting on Oct 8th. She dropped the bomb on me on Oct 23rd. She first mentioned this to me several weeks ago, and it just shows how much I defer to her that I thought to myself "I'm so confused that I can't even remember the right date". It's easy to go back to the start of my thread and find the true date; I don't know why I just went along with her revision. I also sent an email to my MIL the day after (oct 24).

I haven't really worried about this, but now I wonder if there is a legal reason she would want the "seperation" to be earlier. Most likely her A started between oct 8 and 23.

So, this is the true start of the legal process. I'll deliver the papers to my L's office this morning.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

[January girl]

Awoken,
The papers don't change the reality of your situation...
they simply put them in print form. I remember years ago
finding out "on paper" that my dad had terminal cancer and
I was very freaked out and then I realized that it didn't
change the reality just how I was viewing it.

You are strong. You are a great dad. You will get thru
this and come out the other side.

Also go on that trip this weekend and enjoy every minute of it.
Someday your kids won't want a "family vacation." They
will want to be with friends more. GO AND HAVE FUN!!

[givingitmyall]

The kids don't see me angry at W. I've been defending her to them this entire time, trying to keep their relationship with W intact.

This is not your job. This is HER problem. Let her own it. Be there to support your kids, but your W has to make or break HER R with the kids.

When you try to defend your W, you are really just trying to save your W from the problem SHE has created.

[givingitmyall]

I snapped a little tonight. Not really a confrontation.
me: "I just saw the divorce papers. You are asking for primary custody!"
W: "no, joint"
me: "I quote: joint legal, primary physical custody"
much later, w: "I have emailed them about the wording"

Having, and showing some, emotion is understandable and ok. As long as you are in control.

But, do not have anymore "legal" discussions with her. That's what the L's are for. It's a great "out" to keep you from having to engage her, especially when she starts seeing you aren't going to give her what everything she wants. "W, you picked this fight, so, we will just let the L's deal with it."

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Shake it off. The truth is, NOTHING HAS CHANGED from before the filing. NOTHING.

I understand the impact of looking at your name in a D petition and there it is - in black and white. And I understand the shaking and anger and hurt. I did the same thing, and I am a trial L who you would think has been de-sensitized to that type of thing.

I am used to sitting in the L chair. It is quite another situation to be sitting in the "client" chair for the first time. I will NEVER again look at a client meeting quite the same.

You can handle it. Just get through today. The sun will come up tomorrow and the next day and the next, just like it did yesterday and the day before that.

Feel your emotions and let them flow through and OUT of you. That's not only ok, but necessary.

Then throw yourself into the ski trip with the kids.

[Ready2Change]

The kids don't see me angry at W.

Expressing your feelings in positive ways helps the kids.

I ask my kids "Is it OK to be happy? (YES) Then it is OK to be angry" We talk about is it better to walk away and deal with your anger or hit someone etc.....

"I am very angry about mom's decision, but I respect her bla bla bal...."

"I am sad about the way things are right now....."

I've been defending her to them this entire time, trying to keep their relationship with W intact.

I strongly suggest that you stay out of the middle of their relationship. (Look up the victim triangle). Work on you relationship with the kids. Let her be responsible for her relationship with them. Validate your kids. Good place to practice.

"You look angry."
"how does that make you feel."
"I can see why that would make you angry"
"How can I help"

[Ready2Change]

A few things:

First, How can we help?

Second, "What is best for the kids is frequent and equal contact with BOTH parents" was my focus during D. Use that if you want.

Third, Right now is the time for you to determine "What YOU want". You now know what she wants and it is in writing.

We are here for you during this difficult time.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My wife's biggest complaint apparently is that I didn't purchase a new bed room suite when she asked, and she doesn't know who she is. This just doesn't make any sense to me. I know she is lonely and hurting, hurting deeply. But this destruction of our family and financial future for the kids is just wrong. I've been taking care of her for the past 17 years. What exactly merits this?

I snapped a little tonight. Not really a confrontation.
me: "I just saw the divorce papers. You are asking for primary custody!"
W: "no, joint"
me: "I quote: joint legal, primary physical custody"
much later, w: "I have emailed them about the wording"

My wife's only stated marital complaints -- when her parents, and our adult daughters asked her -- during her affair were:

1. Puppy spends too much time on his computer. (This was our nightly routine, with her on one couch watching TV and me on the other couch, on my laptop and sometimes also watching TV. Granted, not a real-good recipe for marital intimacy and excitement, but I was IN THE SAME ROOM with her, like SIX FEET AWAY!).

2. Puppy spends too much time "at those damned ballfields." (I coach my kids' baseball teams; this was time I was spending WITH OUR CHILDREN, not out at bars, or golfing with buddies. Meanwhile, she's spending her time meeting OM in darkened parking lots, and hooking up at his friend's house for midday sex).

Oh, and she asked for "immediate, exclusive, temporary residence of the marital home." I said "YOU have an affair, and you're kicking ME out of our home?" She knew we were having severe financial problems, and I couldn't afford anywhere else to live. She was basically either trying to kick me out on the streets, or I'd have to go live with her parents). She said "I didn't know the lawyer put that in there," and "Oh, she (the lawyer) told me that's just stuff we put in there as our opening position. You're supposed to negotiate with me, and offer something else."

Unbelievable, this fog.

Puppy

[Awoken]

First, How can we help?

I know it's said often here, but really, I don't know how I could possibly handle everything without the support that I receive here.

The more input I get, the better I seem to handle things.