Positive developments? #2

[River]

Jon,

I also just wanted to add my congratulations on the job, the good time you had with W, and your positive outgoing attitude. Nice work!

W seems to like being looked after by you, but at the same time is anxious not to cause you any trouble. I wonder if that combination connects back to what her mom said to you -- that you would need to find out how to help W - because she won't let you.

I'm guessing that the strength and independence that you're showing now in so many ways achieves exactly that goal -- W feels that she can let you help her / care for (because you're able), yet she doesn't need to worry about being a trouble (because you're strong and independent, and you can cope). Good work!

River

[jon2911]

Thanks River! I needed that.

Michelle, it's "There Goes My Life" by Kenny Chesney.

Really great DB meetup on Sunday night, very encouraging.

First couple days on the job have been good, this already seems like a great fit for me. A lot of the job is 90 minute software training sessions with new customers, right up my alley. I'm getting frustrated at the lack of organization, it seems like I'm on my own for training and they haven't even set up my computer yet. Time to show some initiative today, I wanted a start-up feel without secretaries or managers but it can be a challenge as well.

Talked with W on Monday night, she started to sound annoyed and I realized I was bombarding her with stuff about my first day. I'm bad about that when I'm excited about something. I ended the convo, but called her back 30 minutes later and apologized. She explained "my head's been really bad for several days and I'm just frustrated". The talk was really nice from there, and I took a risk and told her about the video above and e-mailed her the link, along with some other things she asked for. It's hard to describe, but it was like talking with my old W again.

Last night, she sounded different immediately. She asked why I sent her that video and was really cold about it. "I'm glad I don't have a 5-year-old daughter", she said. Whether because of meds or headache, she doesn't remember anything from last night. I told her she asked me to send those links. This must be scary for her, not remembering anything and wondering if she revealed too much. Almost like an alcohol blackout. Still, we talked for almost an hour, and I found out she's pretty much been in bed since Friday. She also told me more about what her last month has been like. Crazy. I'll post more later.

My uncle came in town last night for dinner, and told me "don't walk, run away from her". He said she sounds mentally unstable, and I don't want to deal with that the rest of my life. I can do better, blah blah blah. Now I find out that my Mom sent an e-mail blast to the extended family after W decided to file in December. Great. No wonder they were weird at my sister's wedding. He asked what my Dad's advising, and I was honest that my Dad wants me to drive W to the courthouse in Houston and make sure she files. "Last time she got a headache and didn't finalize, so this time make sure she does", said my Dad. "It sounds like everyone's saying the same thing" said my uncle.

I appreciate his thoughts, and that he had the balls to say it. A lot of it was actually good DB advice, don't always worry about her reaction, live your life, don't waste time on someone who doesn't appreciate you, etc.

Though the talk with W was good last night, it got me thinking that uncle may be right. W has been warming up only when her headaches are really bad. After that, she snaps right back to Miss Independent. Do I really want to deal with this crap the rest of my life? At the end of the day, I know I'm growing through this. And I still believe in W. I just wish she'd freaking wake up already.

[MichelleLT]

Until your W gets her health stuff sorted out, the chances of her being in a place where she can make any big decisions are pretty minimal. And yes, unless she stops getting headaches, you will be dealing with this for a very long time (the sister of a nurse in me wonders if she has tried chiropractors, massage therapist, and acupuncture/acupressure - massage has helped my headaches a ton because stress would cause such severe muscle tension that I would actually pull vertebrae out of alignment which would then bring on headaches and even migraines).

It sounds like a strange dichotomy with her. It seems to me that she hates depending on anyone else, accepting help, but she does when her headaches get bad. But then she reasserts her desire to be independent and feels weak/guilty about relying on you.

Your increased communication is pretty recent, so give it a little time to see if it has any more positive effects. In the meanwhile, just brainstorm. What actions could you take to shake things up with her? Write down EVERYTHING, no matter how strange or unlikely to work. Then think about what would be good to try next.

[jon2911]

She's tried chiropractor, acupuncture, biofeedback, botox injections (believe it or not, helped a lot for 3 years). She does go regularly to Massage Envy and makes sure she finds a really good one in whatever city she's in.

She's encouraged right now because her neurologists in Dallas and Houston have been talking, and they're forming a new headache clinic. It's invitation-only and they're inviting her. Very exciting, but hopefully insurable. These guys see the worst of the worst, and they say her case is one of the toughest they've ever seen.

I should definitely write down ideas to shake things up. Short-term, I have a goal of trying to see her every 2 weeks, and coming up with creative ways to do that.

Text from W yesterday while at work "can you call me when you get a chance?" I called her after work, but had to meet some friends for dinner. Called her back later, and we chit-chatted, I asked her if she had anything specific in mind with the text, and she said she didn't remember, waffled around a bit, then:

W: What are you doing for you birthday on Saturday?
Me: No specific plans
W: Want to come visit?
Me: Sure! That would be a great birthday present
W: Well, I don't have any big plans or anything
Me: No, just seeing you would be a great present
W: Don't get mushy
Me: I'm just a mush-pot, can't help it
W: Ha, well I'll let you know for sure tomorrow

Wow. I had thought about trying to visit this weekend, but didn't know if she would be comfortable yet. I also have some crazy plans I'm working on for a couple weeks out. Will post more later.

[MichelleLT]

It's funny how the internal manifests in the external. Meaning all her internal stress and turmoil manifests into headaches that no doctor or physical therapist can find a cause or cure for. Wonder if she did some counseling if her headaches would ease up as she processed and dealt with her old issues.

Anyways, moving on.

Nice that she is thinking of your birthday! Very cool that she wants to get together.

I'm a little curious about the tone of the texts. I worry that it's a little too pursuing on your part. Instead of saying that you didn't have plans, might have been better to say that you have been so busy with the new job that you hadn't had time to make any. Little things like that.

But, I can't argue with your methods too much since you didn't seem to scare her off!

[K4D]

Jon,

I am around. I have to admit, your methods while somewhat different than DB at times, seem to have positive effects on your W. But then again, MWD does say if something works, do it and if it doesn't change it to something that does work. So I don't think anyone can really say you are DBing if what you are doing works.

Good job.

Kevin

[jon2911]

Thanks all, things are going well here in Houston. Will post more when I get pack to Dallas.

[jon2911]

Drove through the rain all the way to Houston Friday night. W called to see if I could pick up some groceries on the way in, but then told me we could do that the next day. When I got there, W had ads for several restaurants she's been wanting to try. She had me pick one for my birthday.

The night was very good, until I woke up in the morning and she wasn't there. I went out to find her sleeping on the couch. She said I was stealing the covers and bothering her all night, so she moved to the couch around 9:00 AM. I didn't remember any of it, and was ticked at the sitch. After being apart for so long, it's like we have to learn everything all over again. And W seems to blame me, even though I never chose this.

I sat by the couch and rubbed her head, and we talked for a while. I could tell she wasn't feeling well, and told her not to feel guilty if we didn't do anything on my birthday. I was having a good time just being with her.

I left to get her groceries and clear my head, and she was very appreciative. When I got back, she was ready, and we went to try a new sushi place. It was great. Came back, watched an episode of Modern Family (great show), then went to see Book of Eli at a dinner/movie place she had a coupon for. While out, we stopped to pick up a prescription for her and she showed me some new detergent/softener/antistatic 3-in-1 sheets. Very cool, those will come in handy. W is amazing with stuff around the house, always knows the newest and most efficient way to get things done. I miss that.

We came back, and she had baked me a cake and we had a great time. She told me that she hadn't left the house all week except for a couple errands, and how fun it was to get out.

Before ML, which was crazy good both nights, she said something very interesting:

"So, do you tell Thom when you get lucky?" Thom is a good friend who got me my job. I played it off, then she said "I told my sister that we've been having great sex lately."

As I've mentioned before, it's great when SIL and W talk about us. And supposedly she was keeping everything from SIL and only talking to FIL, so that's changed.

We slept just fine Saturday night until my alarm went off and I left in the night to get back to Dallas. She called me halfway back and said "what were we doing at midnight? Do you think it was visible outside?" She knows what we were doing at midnight. She said a friend texted her at 12:05 saying "I thought you were sick today". She was worried that someone could drive by on the street and see something.

I drove a little farther, had some thoughts churning. Is there some OM back in the picture? At the least, it sounded like someone is stalking her. She had me park my truck elsewhere, in case her family drove by, but maybe there's another reason?

She called back in a bit, and I said "look, I'm not trying to interrogate you, but this concerns me. Why are you worried about someone driving by seeing what you're up to? Is this someone you've had to cancel on a lot because of your headaches, and now they're giving you crap?"

She said yes, it's a girl she met through SSIL, and they were supposed to hang out on Saturday but W told her she wasn't feeling well. W said she'd been concerned that her apartment is visible from the highway. It's amazing the lengths she goes to to worry about stuff. FIL is exactly the same way. First floor is dangerous, better to be upstairs. Don't be visible from the road. Right now she's on the first floor because it's easier with her dog. Maybe it's because I'm a guy and never need to worry about my safety, but I just feel like W and FIL go way overboard with this stuff.

She called me back later and thanked me for being concerned, that it meant a lot. By then I was pulling into Dallas and getting ready for church.

Did she tell me truth? Who knows. But I'm glad I asked about it instead of stewing it over. Many more interesting comments were made over the weekend, still processing. I'll post more later.

[jon2911]

Texts yesterday.

W: Thanks so much for hooking my laptop to my TV. Hulu is awesome on it. I should have thought ahead and bought a new router so you could take yours home this weekend

Me: Oh darn, I'll just have to come back for it;)

W: Maybe ;-) Thanks for a great weekend and yummy sex. xoxo

This got me thinking. Maybe? Really? Seems like things are a little too much on her terms.

I decided to not call her last night or today like I have been. I was tired and busy anyway. Decided to try a little NC and see if it works.

Just got a text: "Did I scare you off the other day? I'm sorry if I did so. How are ya? Are you tuckered out?"

Hmmm. I get off at 6:00 and will call her then. I'm thinking an All Dogs Go To Heaven quote is in order. "If this is torture, chain me to the wall". Thoughts?

GREAT talk with my old boss today. I negotiated a higher weekly rate with him to keep doing my old job. He's concerned that I won't have the time, but I told him let's try it. Maybe I'll tell W about this, maybe not. Don't want to be seeking her approval all the time.

[jon2911]

Went ahead and texted W the quote, response: "cute :-) realllly good"

MLK quote for all the DBers. "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear"

Might have to add that to my sig.