Kara and Sister: thanks. It's a hard night. I was glad to log back in and see some replies.
D17 and S13 are now surprising calm. they are playing rockband on the xbox. I wish I had their composure. I'm calm in front of them. I just made them dinner, then ran upstairs when I felt my feelings coming to the surface again.
W left the house. She tried to give me a hug before she left and said "I'm sorry I'm doing this to you". I couldn't look at her.
I'm getting angrier. I mean, all these years she's never asked for MC, she's never bought one relationship book. There have been problems, and when I confronted her about her emotional distance she always said I needed to be patient with her and it was a product of her meds/her bi-polar/her past, that she wanted to be married forever and I needed to trust her. When her friend surprised her H with a divorce, we talked openly about how bad it was for their kids that they never tried any MC. I know I've missed so many things, and I've been neglectful, but after three months of self examination I honestly don't think she has tried. I've read smart cookies post and seriously reconsidered where my W may be coming from. I can't remember a single R talk that my W started. It's always been me wanting to work on our M.
So I have to ask myself, why would I want to be married to someone like this? I understand this, but not in my broken heart.
I just took off my ring.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I re-read Ready2Change's thread on "how to tell the kids".
I thought I had prepared well, but I left out one important thing: "I don't think this is the solution..."
I think it's likely to be ok though. Again, both D17 and S13 know entirely too much about our sitch over the past 3 months, and know I've been doing all the work trying to save our M. I've done my best to keep them out of the middle, but it hasn't been possible. Still, I don't think they think I approve of a D.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
@Awoken-- thank you for not taking what I was saying the wrong way. I mean, I really felt awful for you and your children and I guess my hackles got up. And you just said it with your last post "I don't think this is the solution". That is what I felt was "missing."
I 'get' that your wife is her own person and you can respect that she is her own person with her own choices to make and maybe that is what the kids walked away with. They have a lot to process right now and it is good that they have each other to lean on.
YOU can get thru this; you are a good man. You can look in the mirror and know that you tried. ((Awoken))
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
thank you for not taking what I was saying the wrong way. I mean, I really felt awful for you and your children and I guess my hackles got up.
Thank you Trixi. I need the input, and really appreciated your reply.
I'm really angry at her for dismantling our M and doing this to our kids. I know she is suffering, her selfishness is infuriating. I too don't want to just let her "off the hook" for these choices she is making. I've never been this angry at her before. I hope I'm doing a good job of containing it; I'll vent when I'm alone.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I know I shouldn't beat myself up now, but the reality is that my w and I have failed our children. I can't imagine what lessons they have learned over the past three months.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Yes, you have, but you have owned your part and stand ready to work on the issues. That, at least, should make you feel good. You're a good dad -- that's obvious -- and they're going to need you now more than ever.
I don't think you failed your children. You and your W failed each other as partners but that doesn't mean you are a failure as a parent.
Your children are about the age my sister and I were when our parents divorce began. As strange as this sounds my sister and I never had respect for our dad as he treated us and my mom very poorly. In turn, my sister and I both lost a ton of respect for our mother over the years for allowing such crappy behavior from my father.
Now my sister and I are *very* close to my mom and we have been for years but she did have to earn our respect back for allowing all she did for so long. SOMEBODY has to be the parent and make good choices for the children. Even at a young age my sister and I were very aware of that fact. I think my mom realizes now that she chose to stay in a marriage where she and her children were treated poorly only resulted in her trying to control *something* (in our case that *something* was my sister and me). My mom worked very hard to rectify the errors of her ways. My sister and I had to work hard too but in the end it was all worth it and my sister and I would not trade the beautiful R we share with our mom for anything.
My sister and I knew deep down my mom wanted her marriage to be better and my mom was in MC alone for almost two decades. But everybody should have their limits for what they are willing to tolerate when children are involved.
I would not let your children know you respect their mother's decision but I would tell them you ACCEPT it.
It may take some time but your children will eventually establish a lifelong foundation of respect for the parent who acts like a parent even in the thick of a divorce (that will be you!).
I don't know what state you are in but if your W makes a settlement offer without specific numbers (A) she is getting very poor counsel which is good for you (B) a settlement without specifics is considered "raw" and is the best you can hope for as a skilled attny will take a raw settlement offer and turn it in your favor.
Decline her request for spousal support (and that is all it is at this point, a request) and be very firm about a move out date for her. Let her know you will give her xx number of days to set aside some money that SHE EARNED to establish her own housing while still contributing to the household bills.
