NC with wife for one week

[GoBison]

W is going to come over tonight to get some of the Christmas things. I have not talked to her since last week when she wanted to come over. So an hour before I was to get off work she sends me this text

W - "Can I get my xmas stuff tonight then?"

M - "Yeah I shud be home around 7 then we can go through and split it up"


Should be an interesting evening. This will be the third whole time she has blessed me with her presence since July. Complete entitlement mentality on her part. "my xmas stuff" "then". Not like I was trying to keep anything from her just wanted to split things up. Whenever she wants something it is now and no asking if it will work for me.

I will get through the hour she is there without telling her what a complete selfish beyatch she is acting like.

[GoBison]

Wife came over tonight and picked up Christmas things. She was upset because of how miserable I am making her in not signing her petition and she just wants it over as soon as possible. We talked for two hours mostly her trying to convince me that we should just do it with out lawyers now. I think she is afraid she will have to pay alimony.

She said that she wished she had a boyfriend so that she had a good reason to do what she is doing but she just doesn't love me anymore and she never will. If we go to court she will just end up hating me. I told her that if we went to retrovaille and nothing changed then we would sit down split things up. She said that there was no way she would go to the weekend and she did not feel comfortable staying in a hotel with me. I said ok but I can't with good conscience sign off on divorce without trying to work on marriage. So we left it at that and I told her we would go to mediation sometime after the end of the year. She shed a few tears but I think it had more to do with the money she could lose.

Ten minutes after she left she called and said she would go to retrovaille if I would agree not to use lawyers after the weekend. So January 8th we are going to go if we can get in.

I know it is against db practice to let her know that I am still interested in saving the M but she knows that with being Catholic I will never sign off on a divorce. 5 months of being dark and no change. Will retrovaile help? Probably not but going dark did nothing and time for some action either way.

[GoBison]

Well spoke with wife again yesterday over text. We have little communication and each time it doesn't seem to go well. I was little too hard on her in my last reply and let emotions get in the way. But I was sick of her crap behavior and said what I did. I have not spoken to her since then. She is my niece's godmother but has not spoken to or seen her since April. So she has missed her (2nd)b-day and seening her as flowergirl in wedding. She also has not been in the house without me there since June the locks are changed.



W: I'm gonna drop niece's gift by the house and give the doggies a treat b4 work today...is that ok?


M: I'd rather you stopped at my place when I am home. You shud prolly just return the gift for niece. My sister wud rather you didn't give her anything.


W: Ok that's fine. I won't give it to her then...if that's how she wants it to be


M: She didn't say it to be mean. She just said that niece doesn't remember you and it wud confuse her since she will never see you again.


W: No I understand...its fine...I'm not mad.


M: For once why don't you say how you really feel instead of letting it fester. If you want a relationship with niece I'm not stopping you talk to my sister see my niece give her the gift. It is your choice how you want to handle it with her don't put me in between you and her and then be upset about it. I am done with this passive agressive crap say what you mean for once. This isn't how my sister WANTS it this is what you have chosen


W:I'm not mad! Wow!


As things sit right now we are going to mediation. We could probably just do it ourselves and save the money as she wants to do it. I am talking to L this afternoon to get somethings lined up for mediation and a timeline. I don't think that we will be going to Retro as she agreed to previously. She decided that now she will only go if I sign the divorce papers before we go. So she was just trying to manipulate me into signing and then not going at all.

[nutfarmer]

As things sit right now we are going to mediation. We could probably just do it ourselves and save the money as she wants to do it. I am talking to L this afternoon to get somethings lined up for mediation and a timeline. I don't think that we will be going to Retro as she agreed to previously. She decided that now she will only go if I sign the divorce papers before we go. So she was just trying to manipulate me into signing and then not going at all.

Get...an...attorney. You are playing with fire if you don't.

[hhh]

GB - well it sounds like you and I are almost in Exactly the same situation. I got papers this past Saturday and H wanted me to just sign on the spot, without lawyers. We have nothing shared so it wouldn't be complicated but I'm still not signing on the spot. I also tried Retro one last time in Jan so that we could end things civil-ly. He just wants to be done and every talk we have even now about ending it seems to get nasty. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to just move on, but I know that's the last things either of us want to do.

I know this is hard right before Xmas. I went to church on Monday and just cried for about an hour. It's so hard, I hear you... my friend told me to just try to look for one good thing in every day..that's what I've been trying to focus on. I started reading Mars and Venus starting over but it just made me more sad. Have you read any helpful books or gone to IC?

Wishing you peace during this season.
-hhh

[GoBison]

I have a L. I was served in September and we have yet to set up a time for mediation. The meeting with the L this afternoon is just to fill out paperwork on the mediation or something. I am letting the L's handle things. She is pushing to just get it over with and do it ourselves.

Self-help books read plenty of them. And I have talked to DB Coach and MC individually in the past.



The thing that I do have trouble with is setting boundaries on her rude behavior without coming across as an a$$. As I posted above in the text I tried to set a boundary but not sure where the line is and feel that I was being an a$$. Next time I will have to use Coach's line on boundaries "I feel __ when __..."

[GoBison]

I received an email from wife last night. I had asked her to go to Retro prior to finishing up paperwork and going to mediation. Below is her response to that request and my reply. Part of the reason that I want to go is so that we can start to get past somethings when we do D. Which I think will happen and will also help if reconcilation after the D is to take place. I have also tried to not be angry with her during this but I have almost no respect left for her. What I said to her was probably anti-DB but it was all true. I also had to be careful in wording what I said to her since she is trying to go to the judge to tell them I am dragging things out. To her me dragging things out is not signing what she wants. I am still waiting for mediation to be scheduled with the lawyers.

Sorry I haven't responded....been very very busy at work.
But I am not going to do the retreat this weekend based on the
disagreements and the overall reason that I am going. I do want
things to get done quickly and respectfully and I do know that this
would not help me in any aspect of my decisions. I am also not
trying to be a jerk...I really do want to be civil about this and
get this done as quickly and as smooth as possible. If you want to
sit down and talk about the seperation of things, I am willing to do
that and get it over with sooner. In addition, I think we should
start thinking about what we want to do with the house and realtors,
etc. Lastly, when you cancel your membership at Gym, please
have them call me so they can swithch it to my card. I tried to do
this already, but because your the main name on the account I was
unable to do this. Any problems with Gym give me a call.

My reply:

The reason for the weekend was so that we could move beyond our
disagreements and work everything out respectfully and move on with
our lives without resentment. Half of the people that are going don't
want to be there. I have asked very little from you during this whole
thing. I do not feel at this point that we can sit down and get rid of
everything without some sort of harsh feelings. The weekend is not a
miracle "cure" or anything it just allows us to communicate better and
to move on with our lives. There will be things and times after the
divorce is final that we will still have to work together and see each
other. I would rather get the bad feelings behind us now instead of
carrying them with us. Like I said before 98% of the people that
divorced after this weekend were still glad they went so that they
both could heal from this. The weekend is not to blame each other and
there is no pressure either way on to divorce or not. I truly believe
that after the weekend we will be able to discuss everything with a
lot less hostility and emotional baggage. I believe that at that point
we will be able sit down and discuss things respectfully.

If you are unwilling to go that is fine. But I believe what is best
for me and my future is to work through my lawyer.

I will let you know what they say at Gym.

[Lotus]

You explain it all well. I'm sorry she won't consider it.

[GoBison]

Thanks Lotus

[v1olin]

I thought it was well written also but forget the gym thing. If she did not pay for the gym and you did then I would just cancel it and let her buy her own membership.