I am new here but my problem isn't. My wife and I have been married for 7 years and have had problems with our sex life in the last 6 years. We have had ups and down, periods of frequent sex and long periods of no sex. Some of it due to having two kids, the rest due to stress from financial issues.
It is to the point that she has lost interest in sex and although she says she wishes things were better, she is reluctant to make any effort to make changes. She won't read books, no research, and refuses to do anything because she just doesn't like it.
How do I encourage her to want to make an honest effort to change?
Usually the first thing is to check for any physical causes.
Your wife says she wishes things were better, but her actions don't back that up. If she won't read, will she let you read to her?
Sometimes one is more interested once one starts having sex. As Michelle has said in the past - Just Do It!
Discuss your wife's fantasies to see if anything at all turns her on. Let her be as free as she wants to as far as what she can say. If her fantasy is being with another man, or even with a woman, let her share that and try to enjoy exploring the fantasy with her. Just talking about it may turn her on.
Redefine sex. Sex is what turns you on "in bed", which can obviously be done out of the bedroom at all. My point is, don't emphasize sex as being vaginal intercourse. It can be oral, or anal, or just touching. You can bring yourself to an orgasm and/or she could do the same. The process isn't really the issue. Sharing sexual moments is what is most important right now and there can be modest goals.
If you are convinced that you REALLY have given everything a chance, then you have to decide whether you want to live the rest of your life without sex. If the answer is no, then you need to tell her that and see how she would prefer to deal with that. Does she want you to see other women and if so, would she rather not hear about it?
She does not have the right to demand or expect chastity for virtual chastity for the rest of your life.
You will have a much better idea of where to go after those discussions. If she refuses to discuss this with you, then you may be at a dead end. And I, for one, would not at all blame you for committing adultery. I think you get a free pass if she doesn't meet you part way here.
bob
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
I am a pessimist in this sense. My experience is similar to yours. I like the mention above that:
"She does not have the right to demand or expect chastity for virtual chastity for the rest of your life. "
Unfortunately, there is no answer for you and me. I sense that you are in this "virtual chastity" and it probably is a topic you both avoid even mentioning, while you hurt inside. Welcome to a reality where women dictate how much sex (if any at all) while expecting fidelity from the male. I, just like you am mad and faithful. Can we be any dumber? I think the only savior in this situation is that past 50 your drive will slow down a bit too, and while the pain and anger will still be there, slowly they will subside and if your marriage still holds together for other reasons you will begin to forgive and maybe someday - forget - what was taken away.
Maybe the other people in this forum will give us ideas and advice, but my experience has been that "they don't know my wife". It's true that different people (wife) have other ways of loving and showing it. But for me sex is critical and should be number one on her list. I stand as your brother in all this hopelessness, but at least you and me can write about it.
I would really like to hear an open discussion and thought from the girls present here.
I really want to believe that the lower desire spouse is not purposely creating a life that makes their partner miserable. I believe there must have been something in the relationship that brought about a change in the sexual relationship and even the lower desire spouse would like it to be different but doesn't know how to get there. The "just do it" approach does not always work, especially if there is a reason that the spouse has pulled away in the first place. As you might guess, I am the lower desire spouse in my relationship and I would like to have a healthy sex life, but it is more complicated for me than just having sex more often. I tried the just do it, I tried to be compassionate and understanding of his needs, but he did not reciprocate and I became more and more resentful. In order to bring about change, I believe that both partners have to be compassionate towards one another and both have to be willing to alter expectations, try a different approach and be paitent and supportive of the other in their efforts. Unfortunately, my partner is not on board with me in this belief and I feel like my own relationship is hanging by a thread.
Thank you all for your responses. I decided to return to the board and give an update. Things haven't changed since I first posted my issue here. I have now been unemployed for the last 13 months and have been on receiving umemployment. Financially, I have structured things to where we can pay all our expenses each month and have a little money left over.
For my wife, she really loves shopping, sometimes just for the fact of doing it. I say this because she will go shopping and purchase a few things only to say she has nothing to wear the following day.
Last month, she went on her first vacation from work and I noticed that she didn't worry as much. She even initiated sex on one of those days and stated afterwards that she felt she was falling back in love with me. When she returned back to work, the stress returned and she wasn't that in love anymore.
My wife has controlled our sex life since we have been married it has decreased to us have bad sex 3-4 times a month and good sex once every 1-2 months. Just this past weekend, I brought up the topic of the 7 Day Sex Challenge in order to make our relationship a priority for 7 days. She became very defensive and didn't care to hear of any benefits that can come from the challenge, but rather focused on the issue of her having sex for 7 days and afraid she won't enjoy it everyday (have an orgasm).
It was at that point, I decided to stop arguing with her about sex since she has made it pretty clear that our relationship is not a priority to her. She tells me often that she wants to change, but doesn't know how. My wife will not read books, listen to others, research and isn't concerned with putting energy in something she has no interest in (sex).
I also just read an article by Michelle entitled, "Don't Forget About You". I realize now that I have done just that and will no longer continue to invest my all into her. I also heard about a spouse making the other the scape goat for their own problems. Here is a brief outline that has caused me to stop fighting;
1. When we married, my wife couldn't wait to stop working. 2. After our 1st child together, he became her priority. 3. I endured verbal and emotional abuse because I did't make what she considered enough money. 4. She made money and our children her priority and lost interest in our relationship. 5. She isn't thankful for much and constantly complains. 6. She hates working for anyone stays stressed out about it. 7. she avoids sex at all costs, even going to sleep early. 8. The majority of our marriage has been spent with me trying to please her financially while I endure the lost of affection and intimacy. 9. She feels she shouldn't have sex with me until she gets the financial security she desires. 10. I am tired of arguing and am willing to seperate until she decided to make us a priority in her life.
Bottom line, I am taking a stand for me and my emotional well being. I have given up friends and a social life to make her happy. Now, I am going to focus on me.
I'm not sure where I am suppose to post..a little embarrased and not sure how to start this conversation.I have been married for several years and have been discouraged and miserable with the lack of intimacy "sex" none (as maybe if I am lucky 2 to 3 times a year..First of all I knew all this before marriage..I thought he was a gentleman for starts and through 3 years of dating the same..(I know your all saying why did you marry him..) I fell in love with him..(I guess I was not smart) well after we were married for less than the first year I suspected him doing something on his computer..he would close windows as soon as I walked into the office..well low and behold I found out a lot about my husband..he was a porn addict..been doing this for years..also he goes through vaseline like its candy..anyhow that was 5 years ago..we have sought counceling..books..and more..and the anger in me is building up even more..I am yearning for physical and emotional connection with my husband..but it's not there..I have told him that I have been contiplating moving into our spare bedroom or leaving..he keeps saying things will get better..but after 8 years of the same talk and behavior..what does one do..the importance of this lack of physical and emotional part of our marriage just isn't there..what does one do?
I'm also a member of your club. I identify with all that you say. I puzzle how what I've said peacefully and in anger seems to be heard on one level, but to lead to no change. I accept that my wife suffers from many of the indicators for low sex drive... I've tried to be loving and patient and caring. A sex therapist had the gall to tell us that there was a simple chemical answer - but that my post-menopausal partner couldn't take, since she's also had breast cancer... What baffles me is that she seems to show no desire to re-discover desire. I bought SSM, and hoped that it would help. I'm now on my second reading, but she's stalled half-way through. I don't have the book to hand - there's a - for me - terrible passage near the end, where she says there may still be no change, and you can still decide to stay, and that's a strong choice, not a weak one. Indeed there are many shared years, interests, friendship, pleasures - but NOT SEX! Today I feel in total despair.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
Sbrass - I am going to be a little controversial here. My personal feelings are that just as one promised to be faithful in marriage, so did one promise by implication that one would continue to engage in a mutually satisfactory sex life. In a sense, suddenly not having sex is a form of cheating too.
I can understand why you wouldn't want to throw away a life and a partner in that life because of sex. But having sex taken away from you may well do that anyway.
There are many potential solutions to your problem, depending on where you and your wife stand on this matter. It is not uncommon for a spouse with a low sex drive to wish that their partner would just secretly find some other outlet - be it porn or another playmate from time to time.
I don't know what you are willing to deal with, but if you are willing to explore other options, then you should discuss this with your wife. You may want to do that with a SEX POSITIVE therapist as a sort of referee.
Your wife's reluctance to rediscover those desires is not surprising. When someone has no desire for sex, one frequently has no wish to have the desire. It just doesn't make sense to them. I've been there myself, and I can attest to that.
While you may want to tread carefully and slowly, opening up your relationship may offer some surprising opportunities. I know it's unconventional, and may have others on this board up in arms. But there have been many people (myself included) who have found that a well regulated opening of a relationship can revitalize someone's sex life. And at the very least, will give the one missing their sex life some kind of satisfaction without the guilt of cheating and without hurting the person they love.
While this may sound terrible to some of the readers here, it is a whole lot better than trashing a marriage that both partners value.
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
