Any tips to deal with Jealousy on my part

[P17]

I hate this.

What are you going to do about it?

Do you not think it's unusual for a W to talk to another man you don't know, for over an hour? I do.

[g450]

Yes it is unusual. But to be on the phone for hours with "anybody" for my wife is normal. She has always been known for marathon phone conversations.

I want to confront her about it but if I do she will only push me further away. All confrontations with her that I initiated have so far only backfired on me.

There are two problems with me confronting her.

1)We are separating and then divorcing soon and she is already in the mindset that we are done. She doesnt see me as a husband any more.

2)If I do confront her about it she will know I was listening in on her and she will get wise as to how I am doing this (wont go into details).

I want to keep snooping for now to get something deeper before I blow my cover.

[P17]

Yes it is unusual. But to be on the phone for hours with "anybody" for my wife is normal. She has always been known for marathon phone conversations.

g450, I'm sorry to say this but YOU ARE MAKING EXCUSES. I haven't met a woman yet (and sorry if I'm generalising) that couldn't talk for hours. That's not the point. The point is she is talking on the phone for hours with a man (point 1), you don't know (point 2) and being emotionally 'available' with him (point 3). This is wrong wrong wrong. Stop making excuses for her.

This EA (and I would suggest that it what it is, or at least in the very early stages of becoming one) will grow and multiply unless you do something.

I want to confront her about it but if I do she will only push me further away. All confrontations with her that I initiated have so far only backfired on me.

What does that tell you?

There are two problems with me confronting her.

1)We are separating and then divorcing soon and she is already in the mindset that we are done. She doesnt see me as a husband any more.

Then you need to DB, GAL and do 180's to show her you are no longer that man.

Bear in mind you are both STILL married.

However if you are separating and then divorcing (and I assume that is what she is wanting) then that puts a whole new spin on things.

2)If I do confront her about it she will know I was listening in on her and she will get wise as to how I am doing this (wont go into details).

I understand. I thought you simply overheard her, Don't show all your cards at the one time.

I want to keep snooping for now to get something deeper before I blow my cover.

Will that effect the S and D though?

[g450]

Your right. Snooping wont affect the impending divorce.
Im doing it for me. D is set for 8Feb and S will be on 15Jan. She can still change her mind and get a separate lawyer and go for my throat if she wanted to so I am actually wanting her to get the divorce over with before she changes her mind.

While she is in her fog I am getting the better deal in the divorce. She could really screw me over if she wanted to so I have to tread lightly until 8Feb. Confrontations with her would not be good for me right now.

But before I go dark I want to let her know that I know about the EA at least.

The only reason I am still snooping is because I feel an overwhelming need to know if there is an affair and how far along it is.

I strongly feel that knowing this info will bring me quicker towards detachment. Especially if the EA has turned into a PA because that would be a deal breaker for me.

And like you said, I do not want her to see all my cards yet.

[chatterbug]

Set some boundaries.

As long as your in the house you will not talk to OM. It is disrespectful.

You house has had too much disrespect.

Does she know that a PA is a dealbreaker ?

While she is in her fog I am getting the better deal in the divorce. She could really screw me over if she wanted to so I have to tread lightly until 8Feb. Confrontations with her would not be good for me right now.

BIG MISTAKE. But its your choice.

Fear or control ?

[g450]

She knows that a PA is a deal breaker already. I have already set that boundry and did from the very start. Even before coming here for guidance.

Update: We signed our divorce papers today after some minor fixes to errors. And she signed the deed of our home over to me. It's all notarized as well. So far so good. Now we have to wait for the judge to sign them in early Feb and it will be all over with.

This is why it was so important for me not to make waves. SHE IS giving me OUR house even though she invested almost 50% of her paychecks in it over the past 20 years. She gets the Miata and I get my Jeep and Truck. All I have to do is now wait until our final hearing on 9Feb10. Unlike many others here that have been burned at the steak by their Xwives I am the exception. And I thank God for that.

Whether it is fear or control is irrelavent at this time.

Now do you understand why it was important not to piss her off right now? Too much at stake right now. All in good time. She can not act on her EA until after the divorce anyway so time is on my side.

I can always remarry her or somebody else but I can NOT afford a brand new mortgage at age 47. All emotions aside, I have to keep a clear head. As they say, love is personal but divorce is business.

I still cant believe she is giving me our house (its paid for) without a fight. I do love her but Im not going to throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. I have to ensure my survival first and foremost. Not just for me but for her also. Having to sell our home would screw both of us if there is ever a reconciliation in our future. And I think she knows that.

Once the divorce is final I am free to say what I want to her. But Ill probably go dark. She already knows what a PA will do. She has even expressed some fear of what may I do if I find out. But still no proof of a PA either way and she vehemently denied any PA several times.

I told her Im not a violent man. Im pretty much a push over. But we will see. All I can do is wait until early Feb at this point and do some DB on the way to there.

[chatterbug]

I understand.

You get your house.

Protect your assets then.

IF its a PA. Then let her walk away. And if you need to beat the crap out of someone. Go take up some contact sport like boxing. At least gain something out it.

Cause you know what. Today you do not forgive...

But in 6 months. Who knows where your mind will be.