I seriously don't know any 26 year olds that talk or write like that, I'm glad you got it off your chest, don't ever write a letter like that to your wife and give it to her, in her state, she will just laugh at you.
Start dating, start seeing other women, not for the purpose of getting into a relationship but solely to boost your confidence, pump up your self esteem & self-value and take your mind off of your wife.
I seriously don't know any 26 year olds that talk or write like that, I'm glad you got it off your chest, don't ever write a letter like that to your wife and give it to her, in her state, she will just laugh at you.
Start dating, start seeing other women, not for the purpose of getting into a relationship but solely to boost your confidence, pump up your self esteem & self-value and take your mind off of your wife.
Well I am actually 27 now
And I know not to give it to her like I said in my post. Nothing good will come of it. But I actually don't believe We're at a point where she would laugh at me. I think it would tear her to shreds and be incredibly cruel. I don't want to be the person who does that to her.
As far as getting a "lady friend" goes, I just don't believe in dating while I'm married. Not because I don't know there are plenty of better women to choose from right now. Not because of any loyalty I feel for my unfaithful spouse. But it just plain strikes me as unfair to the OW to be involved with a married man. Not sure how to go about finding a nice girl who I would WANT to be with who is only looking for a good time. I guess that makes me as bad as her. Using people as emotional crutches with no serious intention to commit to them. I'd rather get a divorce and then date, but I think I'd regret that. Still feeling pretty angry this morning.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Well, if one on one "dating" isn't what you feel is best what about going out in groups and meeting new people? No harm in that, right? That is what I started doing about a year ago and it was just what I needed... interesting new people, new things to do and it was a nice way to ease back in the "single life".
My neighbor is a super good friend of mine and has been for 10 years. He has had a rough couple of years as well due to health issues, a job loss, a long stretch of unemployment and the death of his mom. He and I decided to make a pact for 2010 and take turns coming up with something new and different to do each month. So far we decided to take a Latin dancing class in Jan. once he gets home from a trip he is taking and in Feb. we are going to go to an indoor rock climbing facility and climb the wall! There is nothing romantic going on between us and it's nice to try new things with a good friend!
I agree with that suggestion CityGirl, thanks. I've been trying to find writers groups and such but haven't had a lot of luck. I'll try harder in 2010 to up the social life.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
It's a big transition to change your social habits when you are used to having to consider your spouse or have a close group of friends that you and your spouse hang around with.
My dear friend went through a horrid breakup this year. Her and her BF were not married but had been together for a very long time. One thing she did that I loved (and had a great time at) was she hosted a party and for every person that she invited they had to bring a new friend to the party. It was lots of fun!
I have also met some very cool people while volunteering.
Thanks CityGirl. Those are all good ideas. I've been trying hard to meet new people but I have felt like I'm in a bit of a social rut. Many good friends but they don't help me branch out to new ones. Volunteering, community theater, and traveling could be the immediate ways to start rectifying this. And I STILL want to find a good writer's group.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Moving out and the increasing likliness of divorce are starting to hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like a wreck tonight. I've been keeping pretty busy but it feels like any time I stop for a moment I feel devestated. None of the possiblities for my future are appealing to me at the moment. All my friends blew me off tonight. I know I need to GAL more and I'm usually all about that, but this week It's just not happening. Trying to vent in healthy ways...
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
My counselor taught me a little trick. For every negative thought I have I MUST counter it with a positive thought. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a positive thought about my H or the situation we are in but ANY positive thought.
I actually had to "train" myself to do this and did so by writing down the negative thought I had and what positive thought I came up with to balance it all out.
The good thing about that? When you feel like dog doo you really have to think hard about the positive thought and all that thinking sort of helps you back burner the negative thought. At the very least it helps your mind move in a better direction. When I first started doing this sometimes it would take me an hour to think of one positive thing but it's better than focusing on the negative.
Thanks again CityGirl. I'd been doing very well for a long time and just this week the reality of moving is scaring me. I didn't get to sleep last night until 7AM. Cried a few times, but I also worked on my novel, watched favorite movies, didn't reach for any alchohol, didn't call or write to my W, and didn't do anything self-destructive or counter-productive to my sitch overall. I'm hitting a rough spot, but I'm hoping this is just the bumpy ride getting bumpy again.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Some developments as I'm moving out of my Apt. I contacted my W regarding our cat and she had a semi-interesting response. Our Email Chain below... ________________________________ W,
Regarding (cat). I am able to take her with me for the foreseeable future. I'm happy to discuss the idea of you taking her for a while, but I'm a little concerned that I might never get to see her since you have been very unreceptive to the idea of spending time together or even talking on the phone for well over a month now.
Let me know how you feel about this. I don't plan to abscond with (cat) never for you to see her again while things are still up in the air.
Love,
H ______________________________
Hi H,
Are you moving in with your parents or (friends)? I'd like to know what kind of environment (cat) would be living in. I would still like to discuss the possibility of a joint custody arrangement although I'm also fine with you continuing to care for her the majority of the time (as long as she's in a good environment) as the two of you have bonded so much over the past months.
I wanted to let you know why I haven't made much of an effort to reach out to you this past month. First of all, I feel that neither of us has made much of an effort besides the occasional phone call and/or email. So I felt that perhaps you were trying to pull away from me and I didn't want to interfere with whatever you needed to do for your own well being.
The main reason I have avoided contact is for the very simple reason that whenever I feel emotionally unstable my first instinct is to run to you or call on you for emotional support. I don't think that that is fair to either of us but especially not to you. If I expect you to be my main form of emotional support then I should also make you my go to person for social interactions, sexual interactions, etc.
I feel that I've been continuing to make progress in therapy as far as learning why I've done a lot of things I've done and made the choices I've made. I have been working on a short story of sorts (although it's subject matter is probably not very interesting except to those involved) detailing my thoughts and feelings leading up to and during our marriage in the hopes to give you some insight into them and open up some dialogue.
I'll admit it's very daunting for me to see you and speak with you because I am terrified that I will want to hold you and have you take care of me and again, that is not fair. I'm trying very hard to be strong and figure out who I am and what I need. Maybe if I had a clearer idea of that when we got married, none of this would have happened.
Anyway, now I'm babbling. I hope you're doing okay and that you don't hate me too much for my lack of contact this past month.
I do love you and want what's best for both of us.
Since this Email, I've thanked her for being honest, told her I'm glad she's making progress in IC, and clarified for her that I'm not trying to pull away that I'm merely not putting pressure on her and focusing on other things. That I've put my feelers out to see how interested she is in communicating and that she hasn't appeared interested. I told her that I'd be happy to talk about her taking the cat on the phone or in person, but would want to be able to visit semi-regularly if she had the cat. I tried to throw it out there that we can have social "catching up" visits where we don't have to talk about marriage or relationships and I can see the cat once a week or once every two weeks. And that I don't feel the need to discuss M and R without a mediator. She hasn't responded to that yet.
Also in more discouraging news I found out from mother in law W's now involved in TWO different shows. One involving OM and one not involving him. Sounds like she's overloading herself with theater responsiblities again and not giving herself time to deal with her issues like she said she would. Makes me kind of regret having made that show of good faith about the cat.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
