The continuing saga of P ...

[newmama]

What is the time difference over there in Scotland? I am on the west coast of US so it is 10:58 p.m. as I type this. I think DB forum is east coast time!

[P17]

What is the time difference over there in Scotland? I am on the west coast of US so it is 10:58 p.m. as I type this. I think DB forum is east coast time!

According to the forum time, you left that message at 1.58am. It is now 12.20pm here. West coast is probably 10 hours? I think the east coast is about 7 hours ... total guesses of course.

[chatterbug]

if its 3pm p17 time
its 10 am my time
its 7 am newmama time

[P17]

I'm just venting / journaling just now. I'm a bit low today for the first time in a long time. Feeling a little hurt - backsliding a little today. Normal, I know.

As I said before, asked friend to get 'evidence' from W and OM's FB pages. She has printed off their 'relationship status' and a pic of them both with the caption 'Me and my man' (that's the bit that hurt) and was taken a few days ago.

The relationship bit and friends list of OM's FB page is either now private or been removed (it was there yesterday apparently). However the rest of it is apparently public for everybody to see. That has been changed deliberately. It's strange, my gut tells me it's for a reason but I don't know what. I shouldn't care, and normally I wouldn't but today is a low day.

Tried to listen to the message that MIL left on the machine today and only a part of it is there. She is wrapping Xmas presents at the moment and has two little ones for D. Nothing more was left (I think the machine cut off!).

Just phoned MIL back and it went to her voicemail. Left an upbeat message and asked her to call me back.

Anyway, I have no patience at this point. W seems to be moving on with her life without a care in the world. I thought the picture, in it's public glory, was a little bit of a knife to the heart for me - I think I would have been a little more considerate.

I did think maybe she had gone dark, but as you guys said on here, she's likely moved on. I therefore think what the point is in waiting the two years for a D. I can start the process of filing tomorrow (or today if I'm quick enough, it's 4pm :)) It's not going to effect me GALing etc. so why put myself through this 'maybe we'll get together, maybe we won't' phase?

It's OM's birthday today too so he will be getting his 'special birthday present' which again hurts a little. The birthday thing didn't bother me yesterday, but I think with this stuff on top it's sort of just the icing on the cake.

It has only been a month exactly since NC. But in the 4 months since separation, and the month of NC I've seen nothing positive at all. Not a glimmer, not a sign, not even a chink. All I see is negative, bad indicators that I am truly wasting my time. I know some people have been here for 6-30 months GALing, DBing, 180's etc. what keeps these guys going during these times of hopelessness. I mean they must see some positives every now and then to let the know that hope is still there. I have seen nothing at all.

NC has been good for me. But I am now questioning why I am holding off on the D. Patience, patience and patience. I know I need some. Sometimes though, as I said, you just want to give up, roll over, and go to sleep.

I had no plan before NC. I have no plan now. I was hoping that NC would eventually give W some time to think and the thought of D and me as a family would pull her back in some form. Instead she seems to have taken the NC and ran with it. Deleted all our pics from FB / Bebo. Ignored us completely. Not even sent me a condolence card about my mum. Ignored texts from IM etc. Bieing openly public about her new man. She has completely moved on by all intents and purposes and it leaves me, in this state, without any hope at all.

I'm just sitting here thinking what is the point again?

One thing. D's mum spoke to the friend in W's work again yesterday. Friend said that the story, about me and W splitting because of OM, is true and it's making it's way around the store. W's story about them getting together AFTER we split is coming unravelled. D's mum and friend couldn't believe she had left him for me. Felt good I suppose Women fighting on your side.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. More tea I think and a nice chocolate biscuit to cheer P up!

[P17]

Just found this over in Newcomers - it's kind of apt to my above post:

"When things aren't going well, we spend far too much time over analyzing & finding fault instead of finding creative solutions" --MWD

Not sure what creative solutions I can find exactly!

[newmama]

I know some people have been here for 6-30 months GALing, DBing, 180's etc. what keeps these guys going during these times of hopelessness.

For me and probably others, the hope comes from reading other success stories and knowing that most As end (do not lead to marriage), that the WSs realize they were lost and made a mistake. 6 mo-18 months is average length of affairs. My SIL and my husband's exW are 2 personal examples of the WS ending the A and regretting it. But ideally, the GAL and 180s are supposed to help us be distracted while the WSs go on their stupid journey.

I mean they must see some positives every now and then to let the know that hope is still there. I have seen nothing at all.

She HAS tried to contact you! You have been excellent at not responding! 1 month of NC is only a start.She is fully in the A--that's what WSs do when they are separated from us.

And remember, most BSs would have started to file by now which is totally understandable. But we all here are entering the unknown...what if we don't file for D and implement these techniques? Some BSs may be happy they filed but those that aren't happy will never know what could have happened if they just GAL'D and detached for awhile. This is painful and not for the faint of heart!

Remember, it's the holidays and it will make us all more emotional. ((P17))

[chatterbug]

Hi P17 I am going to reply tonight. Your post needs time to digest and to reply back.

Go spam my thread... I am closing it as well. And moving over here

[P17]

For me and probably others, the hope comes from reading other success stories and knowing that most As end (do not lead to marriage), that the WSs realize they were lost and made a mistake. 6 mo-18 months is average length of affairs.

Newmam, thanks for replying back to me. As I said I'm having a really bad day today. The things that have triggered it really are insignificant and on any other day wouldn't have actually made a blind bit of difference to me. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, I'm having a bad day. Sh*t happens, but a hard hat.

The problem I am having with this today is that I truly believe that the A will end, but I believe OM will have to end it. W will NOT end that R with OM because she is so terrified of being on her own. She is insecure. She won't want to face the guilt which she is feeling (which if I know the old W at all will destroy her when she wakes up) and she will not want to admit she has made a mistake.

That is a positive step that OM will have to end it, but it's not. OM has a house that has been bought by W's daddy, sex on tap (and I do mean on tap), affection, a pleasing GF (part of the problem in the M - she made sure I was happy but did nothing for herself), money, and the ability to control his 'woman' (as she will be so scared of im leaving that he will effectively get away with anything - W told D's mum that OM was giving up smoking as she wasn't paying for his habit - lo and behold about 6 weeks later he is still smoking away - remember W is allergic to smoke).

W also said to me one time that when she is done with an relationship, she never goes back.

So, we have on one hand that OM is going to have to end the A as W won't. And OM would be insane to do so. I am therefore stuck.

The path that OM and W followed with their A is also the same one me and W walked when we started dating (lots of texts, phone calls and then met weeks later). It just seems our relationship all over but with a new man that isn't me. It also means the results will be the same but I ain't waiting for 7 years!

My SIL and my husband's exW are 2 personal examples of the WS ending the A and regretting it. But ideally, the GAL and 180s are supposed to help us be distracted while the WSs go on their stupid journey.

I know. The GALing and 180 (the NC was a 180 for me as I pursued initially) have done me the world of good. I am so glad I did it. I would still be a wreck if I hadn't - while I sound like a wreck today, as I said I'm having an off day.

A case in point was tonight. Took D to school as the school Xmas concert was on. When I went to pick her up I had to wait around with the other parents for 30 minutes as the show overran. While I was with W at the end, the anxiety would have killed me and I would probably have waited outside. But no, I was completely calm, exchanged a few pleasantries with the other parents and was fine. I only realised what I did after about 15 minutes. This is as a direct result of the NC and me working on myself. If nothing else, I am proud of myself. Walking taller, more confident and more strength.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

She HAS tried to contact you!

She has. Last contact was what 2 weeks ago? She has moved on with her life completely since then. And I mean completely. D has been forgotten, I'm forgotten. my family has been forgotten. It's a complete detachment from out entire M and relationship.

You have been excellent at not responding!

I have to admit I do feel good about not being sucked in.

1 month of NC is only a start.She is fully in the A--that's what WSs do when they are separated from us.

I know all this stuff. That's what's frustrating but I just feel like what is the point of going on, you know? I think Saffie said it best when she said she hasn't gone dark, she's moved on. Since I read that I just thought why I am therefore waiting? I don't want to get involved in another relationship, sexual or otherwise, while I'm married. I won't feel comfortable about that regardless of what W has done.

And remember, most BSs would have started to file by now which is totally understandable. But we all here are entering the unknown...what if we don't file for D and implement these techniques?

That's the thing though. I am not implementing any techniques. I have implemented NC and that was it. Prior to that I was doing a little bit of DBing (mainly the 'I have another woman' mystery) and she was snooping and asking D questions but now I have nothing. No technique and no way to apply one as W has disappeared off the radar. I just think sh*t ... what do I do now?

Some BSs may be happy they filed but those that aren't happy will never know what could have happened if they just GAL'D and detached for awhile. This is painful and not for the faint of heart!

Not it's certainly not. I feel like filing. I really do. But it's not what I WANT TO DO. I feel it's all I have left to complete the detachment and move on. That's wrong, but it's what's going through my head.

Remember, it's the holidays and it will make us all more emotional. ((P17))

I know newmama. Thanks for the hug. As I said I'm having a bad day and I do appreciate you responding to me and letting me ramble.

As I've said many many times, this site is a godsend.

[Day by Day]

P, we are having the same day. I feel EXACTLY the same.

I ended up retaining my lawyer for D today.

[P17]

P, we are having the same day. I feel EXACTLY the same.

I ended up retaining my lawyer for D today.

{{{DBD}}}

I feel for you. Remember that even if you file, it's still not the end until it's stamped and signed.

I thought about calling mine earlier and asking if it would just be easier to file for D than waiting on W dragging her a$$ seeing her lawyer about the separation agreement. I mean, she only got it on 3 October so she's only had like 2 MONTHS!

Sorry.