Unstoppable

[dday101798]

We ended up not doing much. I asked the boys where they wanted to take me on my B'day, and they were not really interested in going out at all, no matter what I suggested -- even an amusement park. This tends to happen a lot now of days. xW seems to inundate them with outings and other activities all during her week, so much so they're ready to be home-bodies by the time my week comes around.

Brother NCB, happy belated b-day (from dday )

This was so true with my boys. Xw wanted to just wow them away with going here and going there, doing this and doing that. At first, they expected me to do the same, and then finally were the same as yours. What I did was as I journaled in my thread. We would stay around the house, but do family things. Instead of go to lavish dinner out, we made a lavish dinner in, together. Everybody had a part. And we'd do the same, play video games and what not.

So it was a multiple fold approach, not only to save the budget, but to also GAL, I was learning things with them at the same time, and bonding. This in turn drove XW up the wall and I think was part of what finally broke her down. She saw, I can be that great dad that I had ceased to be for a bit of time while the M fell apart. And also that family time doing things together is far more important than how many thrill rides they can get on in one day, or how many plush resteraunts can be eaten at in a week.

[NoCodeBlues]

Thanks, Dylan.

[NoCodeBlues]

<journaling>
S5 decided to stay with xW again after S8 and finished with cub scouts. It doesn't make me particularly happy when xW convinces him to do that. But I don't want to come off as being "mean" to my S, and I know xW tries to exploit that.

The next day I picked both S's up from the MIL. She (the wicked MIL) mentioned that S5 had a bad day at pre-K, but had no details to offer. So I told her I would check my email for a message from the teachers to find out what happened.

This morning -- as if out of the blue -- I got this nasty-gram via email from xW. She says this:

NCB

S8 continually tells me & Mom about all the things that make you angry. This tells us that he is experiencing an angry environment. I believe S5 is acting out because of this. PLEASE, try to keep your adult angst to yourself & not create bitter, angry kids.

Thank you,
xW

This floors me -- where the F did that come from? I asked S8 about whether he has had any such conversation with his mother about me. He says he has not, but I get the feeling he's clamming up for her sake or something. So later I send her a response that basically tells her this:

I think you need to explain a bit more about what you and your mother are actually discussing with our children. Because I see two things that are really going on here. (1) You are prying S8 and S5 for information, and (2) you and your mother are continuing to plant your own negative biases in their minds and to try to get them to accept your prejudices.

Those would be the two chief-most reasons for any "anger" you might think I harbor, and thus easily justifiable if true. But more so than anything else it makes me utterly sad for them that their own mother would do something like that to them.

You continue to disrespect me as a parent and as a human being at every opportunity and you still want to try to pin the blame for S8 and S5's lack of respect for others solely on me?

If you want to open an honest dialog with me about areas you think I might need improvement on in the raising of these two boys, then I strongly suggest you try to approach me with a little respect and courtesy, otherwise I can't take you seriously.

So, basically I am telling her to can these attacks if she's serious about addressing any concerns for our S's. I think part of this lastest missive stems from xW's guilt that S5 acted up right after the very night during my week he just happens to stay with her instead.

Personally, I suspect the wicked MIL is continuing to foment the discord between us -- not that xW needs her help to do so.

Oh, and this morning the evil MIL handed me a note from S5's teacher (explaining his poor behavior that day) that she had held onto the afternoon before and had "forgotten" to give to me. I said nothing, bit my tongue, but I could have spit fire at that point, I was so furious at her. xW's mother is pilfering my kids' bags and purposely withholding important information from me.

You know there's a "special" place for people like her in the afterlife. God forgive me if I can't muster enough sympathy for her d*mnable hide anymore.

[dday101798]

NCB,

Dude, honestly, I know you don't want to hear this, AGAIN, and I know you're journalizing here and venting, but seriously, you do have a very negative tone in your efforts and your response message is prime example of that. Be the bigger person NCB. If her only way to communicate now is with bitterness, shower your response with kindness.

So your response could have been "I'm terribly sorry, I did not realize my personal feelings were effecting our children. I will do my best to monitor my words and actions with them more closely from now on. Equally, I feel the same concern when they are with you and MIL and respectfully ask for the same".

I mean really, you two are just continually stoking the fire and making it hotter and hotter and just plain out uncomfrotable to not you only you two, but YOUR KIDS.

Lastly, I think I've mentioned this to you before, children of a D'd family will play both sides of the fence! I can't tell you how many times I had to suck up my pride and call up XW (with a tone as desribed above) to get to the bottm of some of there stories that needed to be verified and ended up being false.

You two may never be the best of friends again, but honestly, this crazy sh!t between you needs to cool out. So, as said, be the bigger person/parent and change up your tone. I'm certain the results and rewards of doing so shall make up for taking the bullet.

[edit]

And I KNOW I'VE said before, some issues you bring up here that you discuss with your S's is in my opinion inappropriate.

[fightingirish]

I can't remember if i said Happy Birthday to you or not... But Happy Birthday and Im sorry if I hadn't said it before on fb.

It seems that your exw continually tries to rope you into an argument with her, so she can in some way use it against you in the future. Her hang up still seems to be to make you out to be the one with the issues at the same time justifying her actions as responsible ones ~ even though she is the one who has had the affair and continues to be unreasonable beyond belief when it comes to the boys.

I won't tell you that your answer to her was wrong, because its exactly what i would have written. In a perfect world what DDay is saying is nice.. but we are dealing with emotions and certainly this is not the first time your ex has made accusations that aren't true. It fustrating and downright BS when this happens with her time and time again. Playing the role of making nice doesn't work with her.

Hang in there my friend.

[NoCodeBlues]

Dylan,

You certainly have a point and your advice would be the policy to which I would offer anyone else. However, you need to know that I've already been down that path. For the first year of our separation. I DB'ed the h*ll out of xW and tried to validate all the complaints and rants she lodged against me -- including some insane stuff that I look back upon now that makes me want to cringe.

Where did that get me? D'ed.

The problem in our M is that she had absolutley zero respect for me as either a H, a father or as a human being. She was and has all along been practicing a scorched-earth policy to totally obliterate any possiblity we might ever get along. It has been methodical and unrelenting since weeks before the bomb. Any effort I took to restore her confidence in me as a person and to achieve even a meager level of conciliatory respect for one another has been met with utter derision and hostility. The most positive response I have ever gotten out of her is a pooh-pooh sort of refrain, "Too bad it's just too little too late."

My ex has some severe emotional problems. That much is now plain for me to see. She has decided that she has to scape-goat me in order for her to be able to be happy. And she has continually displayed extreme anger and frustration with me simply because I will no longer fall on my sword for her.

So, yes, in an ideal situation or even in a normal situation one can hope to win one's ex over with kindness even in the face of their hostility. But in our case, I have learned that anything I do becomes fodder for her hostility -- and turning the other cheek just breeds even more contempt and disrespect from her. Her mother is the same exact screwed up way.

But is there anything I can do to help alleviate the pain my S's are undoubtedly suffering in this insane situation? That's what I keep asking myself. At this point I have settled on my current approach, for better or worse. Given her bent, I would prefer we never talk to each other except for the strict business of raising our S's. NC. Unless it deals directly with our S's, then nothing else.

But she will launch these attacks from time to time it would seem. I think part of it is her own angst, her own guilt and insecurities eating at her; part of it is a pretense to playing the goodly, "better" parent. And part of it I suspect is to establish a paper trail in hopes she can use this some day in a court of law -- I don't trust her one whit on this one, not any longer. She's already proven to be dangerously mercurial on that score.

I am learning to ignore her. Some things she spews I still feel compelled to not let stand unchallenged. But I am learning.

She's a completely different animal than what you're used to, Dylan. (What still haunts me -- and likely always will -- is that I did indeed love her with all my heart in spite of how she really was.)

As for discussions with my S's, well, I can say without reservation that it's quite a bit different when your oldest has Asperger's. S5 is oblivious to such concerns, mostly due to his age and being neurotypical. But S8, being AS, will indeed spout things quite spontaneously -- and he will suddenly latch onto subject matter that requires a huge amount of patience to extricate the both of us from. And I will not ever lie to my S's -- ever. I will try to withhold inappropriate information where I can, but S8 is completely no-nonsense regarding lies and obfuscations. It disturbs him greatly if he ever finds out something is different from what he's been told.

Shielding your children is a dual-edged sword. Sooner or later, one way or another, a parent is just going to get cut.

[NoCodeBlues]

Thanks, Irish,

I think you did send wishes, maybe on the alt.

Thanks for understanding.

You are right. "Nice" just does not work with xW -- and has in the past lead her to heighten her hostilities against me.

I do not at all relish the thought of these battles persisting forever. Just when I think things have settled down some, she does something else to shake things up again. I like to think I am learning to resist being fully involved in her obvious desires for conflagration. But it seems it will take a lot longer time than I expect to finally cycle out of this pattern. I pray one day she finally gets the picture that I am not ever going to abandon my children to her and that she decides to desist once and for all from these follies.

I have had to resign myself to the distinct possibility she will never give it up. My job then is to minimize the impact to me and our S's.

[dday101798]

Well, all I'm saying is that some way somehow there has to be a better way to communicate. As hostile as my XW got sometimes, I did my best to shield the kids. It's bad enough that their family is torn up, but to see or know of all the constant hostilities is just sadning.

Ultimately I'd just tell her, look this isn't an attempt to get us together or anything, we just need to be better with one another for our s's sake.

But apparently for your sitch, NC might just be the best route, all this hostility just isn't healthy for anyone.

I understand about S8, as I've said, my S12 has similar issues, and it took some time to get it through to him, but we finally developed a system.

[bright_new_day]

NCB - I understand where you are coming from, I have dealt with some of the same crap when it comes to dealing with the X. I have decided to treat everything in a business-like manner. No personal attacks, no trying to tell him how to behave, nothing personal at all. When she makes these attacks your response could be very direct, "Please be more specific regarding what the children say regarding anger, thank you." (Not "my anger" just "anger.") Never ask her for input regarding your relationship with the kids, that will be perceived by her as being power over you! Don't give her ammunition!!!

[karen43]

NC, I do understand how you're feeling. I do try to always do business-like, polite, detached communications to X and just about the kids. I have to say the nasty-grams continue now just as they did for the past few years though. I think it's hard for people to understand, b/c if you have a normal person and you treat them politely, they don't treat you with constant anger and contempt. These aren't normal people, but I believe have some mental issues. So what's the answer, I don't know. I like Dday's suggested email, but personally I wouldn't put anything admitting to possible wrongdoing in print to her. I think any email I send could show up in a court of law, and am always aware of that.

I do think we need some kind of book like DBing with crazy people or something like that....

NC, I do think you shouldn't say anything more negative about your XW and OM or ask them questions. Believe me, I know how hard that can be with dealing with such a person. But best for your kids. I think they already know your feelings anyway. I mean you can't do anything about your MIL, just your own actions and focus on those.